Am I expecting too much?
I know depression can be a life long battle, I'm hoping it wont be, but I've resigned to the fact that it might. There are days that I forget that I have ever felt depressionbut they are far and few between. Most days are "okay." By that I mean I can say "I'm okay" with at least a half smile and even believe it for most of the day;but there is a feeling that reminds me that my "okay"means something different than those who have never been through depression. I am on medication that has changed things for the better, but being tear free more often than not has comeat a price. On a daily basis it seems as though I go through the motions of my life. I care about the people in it and even what I do at work, but often I am left with a thought that it all seems purposeless. I feel anemptyness, a numbness, that leaves me searching for a reason. Why do I care about getting up in the morning? Why do I care if I am prepared for work tomorrow? Why go to work at all? I know that its depression, and that everyone I've talked to about it says "it gets better" or "it won't always feel this way." But I cant help but wonder if that's really true. I've experienced the lows, those moments, eyes filled with tears and mind filled with uncontrolable emotions, when you contemplate doingsomething to feel free of responsibility,obligations, or any feeling at all. But even as those days have become less frequent the repeated thought"what's the point?" is still on my mind more often than not. Its this thought, the feeling of no purpose, the dulled, numbed feelings that are there, even on the days that are actually okay, that leave me wondering whether things really do get better. I am thankful that, compared to the past, things have gotten better, but I am afraidthat this is what normal is. If that's true then I don't want this either. Ifeel sadness, emptyness,loneliness, the stuff that sucks as strongly as I'd imagine anyone does if not stronger....but the good feelings, they feel so dulled. I wonder if its because that's what I've become accustomed to. Its been so long that I don't know if this is how being "okay" has always felt, if this is normal, or if this is still depression. Its hard for me to think of things I like,that make happy, or that get me excited...its rare that I get really happy or excited about things and again I'm not sure if thats just my "normal" or the depression. This might be a bit random, but I think about the fact that I likeroller coasters,the adrenaline rush, and the extreme excitementfrom the ride..I wonder if I'm not expecting too much but I want good emotions to feel as strong as the excitement of a roller coaster ride.I know its possible to feel excitement and happiness that strongly. I wonder though if its normal for good feelings to feel so dull on a regular basis. Are extreme emotions supposed to come so fleetingly? Do I only want to feel such an extreme version of good feelings because I've felt the extreme version of the bad? When I feel numb to things or when good emotions seem so dull, is that depression or is that what being "okay" again reallyis? If so, what isthere to look forward to, to hope for, if this is "better" I don't know that I want this...
I know exactlywhat you mean and how you feel. I often think the same thoughts that you do, and I'm glad to know that I'm not alone. But I do believe that the depression fogs the way we feel and act on ouremotions. Because when you're happy now, can't you remember a time before your depression when the happiness was more vibrant? Don't give up yet, strivefor those days of happiness. I'll be one step behind you.
I feel exactly the same as you do, at some point I cry uncontrollably till I sleep off, and hurts more knowing nobody even cares about all I go through despite I can drain myself of blood to see a stranger smile. Been doing a lot of reading online about depression and ADHD which I think I am suffering from. It's hard getting medical help from where I am. Been looking for a counselor though, just try and talk to a counselor, therapist or a doctor, that's what am trying to do too. All will be well, I strongly believe, I do hope someday I can be that sane person I used to know again
Benny4x, you say youre having a hard time getting medical help? I dont know if my suggestion will help or not, but where I work , there is a lpc that is there once a week and I am able to talk to her there. I also went to her office a few times so we could get more in depth about the things that I am dealing with. My depression, ptsd, grief, etc makes me cry, although we have worked past that, as she didnt want me going back on the job having been crying. Anyway, I dont know if you work or attend school or whatever, but maybe you could check into that possibility. These kinds of emotions are tough, but with help you can greatly overcome them. Take care.
I feel exactly the same as you do, at some point I cry uncontrollably till I sleep off, and hurts more knowing nobody even cares about all I go through despite I can drain myself of blood to see a stranger smile. Been doing a lot of reading online about depression and ADHD which I think I am suffering from. It's hard getting medical help from where I am. Been looking for a counselor though, just try and talk to a counselor, therapist or a doctor, that's what am trying to do too. All will be well, I strongly believe, I do hope someday I can be that sane person I used to know again
I totally understand what u mean.. everything you said and more im sick of trying to find the good and happiness in everything I do when whatever I do isnt satisfying at all.. every where I look the world is turning to shit.. animals are in this world to eat the next, humans are the same! so how can I want to go on if there is nothing after life anyway im not dumb to believe there is something better to come when realistically were all going into the ground and the worse thing is noone knows when. So honestly why should we get up for work or care what the next person thinks im over it and over people..
Weve just gotta stay strong & have faith..
I read your post and totally can relate. I've been dealing with my depression for over 30 years now, and I watch others enjoying life and wish I had even the desire to "live". As it is now I just get through each day. I'm not suicidal (now) but I just have no interest or energy for any happiness. I've had great times in my past, but life has beaten me down to the point I just have no interest in any more pain. I'm safe now. But it is getting worse, and I want to get better. I know I will never have those endorphins like uber happy folk, but I want something and I disappoint myself each day. Another sleepless night... Another exhausted day... And I hate self pity. I'm a problem solver, and I can't grasp the solutionto the state I am in now. I feel like I really screwed up my life and I'm stuck. Too afraid to move forward, but stir crazy in the situation I'm in. Did I create this safe world as an escape?? Am I just being lazy? But I'm not lazy. It is different than lazy. You understand what I mean. I don't sit around and do nothing. But I don't live like normal happy people. I stopped working in an office and just do it from home. Mistake or necessity? Anyone raising kids out there? I have a teenage daughter and if you're sensitive like me, you understand the sharp tongues of teenagers are brutal. They act so superior as if they could do better. Idlike her to try to do what I do! Getting sleepy finally. I hope my sharing helpssomeone out there.