Am I expecting too much?
I know depression can be a life long battle, I'm hoping it wont be, but I've resigned to the fact that it might. There are days that I forget that I have ever felt depressionbut they are far and few between. Most days are "okay." By that I mean I can say "I'm okay" with at least a half smile and even believe it for most of the day;but there is a feeling that reminds me that my "okay"means something different than those who have never been through depression. I am on medication that has changed things for the better, but being tear free more often than not has comeat a price. On a daily basis it seems as though I go through the motions of my life. I care about the people in it and even what I do at work, but often I am left with a thought that it all seems purposeless. I feel anemptyness, a numbness, that leaves me searching for a reason. Why do I care about getting up in the morning? Why do I care if I am prepared for work tomorrow? Why go to work at all? I know that its depression, and that everyone I've talked to about it says "it gets better" or "it won't always feel this way." But I cant help but wonder if that's really true. I've experienced the lows, those moments, eyes filled with tears and mind filled with uncontrolable emotions, when you contemplate doingsomething to feel free of responsibility,obligations, or any feeling at all. But even as those days have become less frequent the repeated thought"what's the point?" is still on my mind more often than not. Its this thought, the feeling of no purpose, the dulled, numbed feelings that are there, even on the days that are actually okay, that leave me wondering whether things really do get better. I am thankful that, compared to the past, things have gotten better, but I am afraidthat this is what normal is. If that's true then I don't want this either. Ifeel sadness, emptyness,loneliness, the stuff that sucks as strongly as I'd imagine anyone does if not stronger....but the good feelings, they feel so dulled. I wonder if its because that's what I've become accustomed to. Its been so long that I don't know if this is how being "okay" has always felt, if this is normal, or if this is still depression. Its hard for me to think of things I like,that make happy, or that get me excited...its rare that I get really happy or excited about things and again I'm not sure if thats just my "normal" or the depression. This might be a bit random, but I think about the fact that I likeroller coasters,the adrenaline rush, and the extreme excitementfrom the ride..I wonder if I'm not expecting too much but I want good emotions to feel as strong as the excitement of a roller coaster ride.I know its possible to feel excitement and happiness that strongly. I wonder though if its normal for good feelings to feel so dull on a regular basis. Are extreme emotions supposed to come so fleetingly? Do I only want to feel such an extreme version of good feelings because I've felt the extreme version of the bad? When I feel numb to things or when good emotions seem so dull, is that depression or is that what being "okay" again reallyis? If so, what isthere to look forward to, to hope for, if this is "better" I don't know that I want this...