I'm unloveable

I know i shouldnt compare myself to others. But each and all of my closest friends found someone. Not a one-time highshool musical wannabe relationship. A real, cute and loving kind. And I can't emphazise how happy i am for them. Though, it makes me rethink myself. I have never been with anyone, at least not to a far point. The most I've done was kissing girls as jokes in middle school and hold hands at the cinema. I have few crushes, and every one of them I mess up. I don't take the step, I cut ties because my mental health is too poor to handle it. I tell myself I'm not unhappy single, but I long for someone like that. Speaking of mental health, I think the main reason for it is because of the lack of sanity left right here. I am so depressed, my only love is for benzos and marijuana. I slowly k*ll myself in order to find some beauty, some purpous in this world. But yet I can't. I am always pulled back by a dreadful feeling of despare. Days are long, painful and boring. Lacking passion, curiosity. I am full of gratefullness, but void of any enjoyment. As a partner, a lover, I would be a burden. My struggles take on most of my days. I can't go a day without feeling stupid, looking hideous, and god are these a fact. Every video I see of myself makes me cringe. I'm really cringe, embarassing, and most of all depressing. I can't see joy in life, and that can be draining to a partner. As a couple, you want to enjoy their company. Go out, have fun times. But joy is hard to feel, content is minimum and it all is temporary. Happiness never lasts and nor would the relationships with that mindset. I'm also very picky on people, but these days I'm desperate. I'm not yelling for a quick online boyfriend that would instantly fall in love in three seconds. I want someone I can see, hug and hugs me back. I want someone that will enjoy me. That's passient and strong enough to see past my struggles. But these struggles have been here for so long that it is hard to change. It is hard to make it better. And these days, it seems like mothing helps. It won't get better. And I can feel a rope around my neck. I long for someone, but I don't want to be in a relationship. It wouldn't be fair. How much pain would it put them through when I die? How embarassing and burdening will it be to have to hold me every time. I can't put that on anyone else but myself. I need to fix myself in order to truly be loved. To truly be loveable as me, and not my facade. Though I hate myself. Therefore, I am unloveable.