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filosofem
12,432 M Pacing Forward 7
surviving
PathStep 17 Compassion hearts1,049 Forum posts14 Forum upvotes16 Current upvotes16 Age GroupAdult Last activeApril, 2024 Member sinceJuly 26, 2021
Bio

“Just a girl trying to get her life back’’

19 - she/her

OCD, depression, anorexia


Recent forum posts
Scared to relapse (TW substance use)
Eating Disorder Support / by filosofem
Last post
 November 10th, 2021
...See more I’ve currently been in a weird spot. I used to overthink a lot about foods, restricting, weighting myself, working out. And I’ve arrived at a weight where I don’t gain much anymore, but gaining is still a very present fear. I still check do body-checks, dive in thinspos or meanspos at times but I don’t fast. See, i smoke a lot of weed. It makes me care less and the munchies just makes me binge. I eat everyday, three times a day, so much I could think I’m cured from any ed. But as soon as I’m sober it comes back. I don’t know if that still counts as anorexia or if I’m just ‘normal’. I’m scared to relapse in it again. I’m not proud of eating so much, i hate myself for it. I don’t know if my past struggles with it are still valid, even though they still come back so aren’t very present anymore. PS : I am not encouraging smoking weed to deal with an eating disorder. Emotional addiction is terrible, and negative health results do exist. I’m only talking personal experience. Stay safe everyone :)
I'm unloveable
Depression Support / by filosofem
Last post
 August 4th, 2021
...See more I know i shouldnt compare myself to others. But each and all of my closest friends found someone. Not a one-time highshool musical wannabe relationship. A real, cute and loving kind. And I can't emphazise how happy i am for them. Though, it makes me rethink myself. I have never been with anyone, at least not to a far point. The most I've done was kissing girls as jokes in middle school and hold hands at the cinema. I have few crushes, and every one of them I mess up. I don't take the step, I cut ties because my mental health is too poor to handle it. I tell myself I'm not unhappy single, but I long for someone like that. Speaking of mental health, I think the main reason for it is because of the lack of sanity left right here. I am so depressed, my only love is for benzos and marijuana. I slowly k*ll myself in order to find some beauty, some purpous in this world. But yet I can't. I am always pulled back by a dreadful feeling of despare. Days are long, painful and boring. Lacking passion, curiosity. I am full of gratefullness, but void of any enjoyment. As a partner, a lover, I would be a burden. My struggles take on most of my days. I can't go a day without feeling stupid, looking hideous, and god are these a fact. Every video I see of myself makes me cringe. I'm really cringe, embarassing, and most of all depressing. I can't see joy in life, and that can be draining to a partner. As a couple, you want to enjoy their company. Go out, have fun times. But joy is hard to feel, content is minimum and it all is temporary. Happiness never lasts and nor would the relationships with that mindset. I'm also very picky on people, but these days I'm desperate. I'm not yelling for a quick online boyfriend that would instantly fall in love in three seconds. I want someone I can see, hug and hugs me back. I want someone that will enjoy me. That's passient and strong enough to see past my struggles. But these struggles have been here for so long that it is hard to change. It is hard to make it better. And these days, it seems like mothing helps. It won't get better. And I can feel a rope around my neck. I long for someone, but I don't want to be in a relationship. It wouldn't be fair. How much pain would it put them through when I die? How embarassing and burdening will it be to have to hold me every time. I can't put that on anyone else but myself. I need to fix myself in order to truly be loved. To truly be loveable as me, and not my facade. Though I hate myself. Therefore, I am unloveable.
Benzos
Addiction Support / by filosofem
Last post
 August 2nd, 2021
...See more So ive been using benzos for over a year now. At first they were prescribed, but due to leaving therapy my prescription was taken away. So I started buying my own, which quickly led to the downward spiral I'm in right now. At first I only took them every once in a while when I felt too anxious, but these days it just won't stop. I can't day I'm popping 5mg or more a day, maybe around 3mg or less throughout the day. And have been taking them daily for around a month now. I can't go a day without at least 1mg. And I don't want to suddenly stop because I know all too well that the withdrawals aren't fun. But my dealer is away, and I'll probably run out before I can get more. I'm scared of how I'll react, doctors not being an option. Advice would be welcomed
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