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birnus
2,329 M Hopeful Heart 4
PathStep 5 Compassion hearts66 Forum posts13 Forum upvotes12 Current upvotes12 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 2023 Member sinceAugust 19, 2020
Recent forum posts
I messed up
Bipolar, Schizophrenia & Psychosis Support / by birnus
Last post
 September 10th, 2021
...See more I havent been diagnosed with bipolar yet but im pretty sure i have it tbh. My educator and my parents decided to send me to a psychologist to check whot i have bcs of my headache. Anyway here is my story: I normally should be dead by now bcs if been depressed for years already and suicidal too. I wanted to end myself last winter but i hesetated bcs i was scared and then planned to do it in the easter holidays. I wont write down why etc bcs its pretty complicated. Anyway a girl i liked kind of saved me from my planned suicide and i burned all of my suicide notes bcs they were out of date anyway. I stayed a lil while bcs maybe we could becone a couple. She is just perfect and we were twinning alot and had alot of shared interest. After easter holidays were i normally wanted to go she told me she liked me too. Like i was so shocked. I didnt know whot to do i was so confused and i couldnt belive it. I had no clue whot i should do back then and didnt try anything risky. I told my friend about her and he said i should hurry up. I didnt listen to him bcs i wanted to play it save and slow bcs i had no experience whens about that. But after that day i felt like i was burning inside. I had so much confidence energie and i had so many ideas all of the sudden. I wanted to also start many projects etc and i turned intoo an extrovert. But i was way to creative and overthought things and did way to dump things. We met 2 times and the first time i did nothing like i didnt even touched her. And the secend time i thought i need to make a move bcs i know she likes me and i did so dump things. And also everytime i saw her anywere i turned intoo a walkimg panic attack so ya. I messed up. After we met i was way to clingy and textet some dump shit and did dump shit i would have never done. And now she pretty much hates me hehe. She was the one who saved my life and was bassicly the bigfest reason why i was still alive. And now she is gone. I think im so ded already anyway that even she cant save me anymore probably. Like i was so deep intoo my mania i faded completly away from reality. I only thaught about possibilitys and forgot about the obvious things. Anyway after i messed up i felt worse and worse. School just started and im bassicly already a ded body just floating around getting pushed by others. I feel worse than back in winter when i normally wanted to end my self and i thought this was the limmit. But i dont wanna end myself. I have too many people caring about me and i dont even want to imagine whot kind of pain i would cause if i go. I dont know what i should do now. It almost feels like i die anyway cause my body is falling appart from its own already. And my headache and every other pain in mind and body just gets stronger and stronger. Everyday feels worse and worse. Pls help me :3
I didnt feel anything
Self-Harm Recovery / by birnus
Last post
 August 13th, 2021
...See more I was sitting on a bench outside in school and were were just talking. I sarted scratching my arm with a stick and it felt good. I ask him if he wanted to scratch my arm too bcs sticks arent that sharp just for fun and he aaid ya why not. He just scratched it a little and then stopped. Then i continued and scratch my arm harder and harder bcs i had some kind of urge to do that. He said stop and started throuwing sticks at me. But i didnt listen. I kept on scratching myself harder and harder. I wanted to see my blood so badly. Then i decided to try and scratch my arm as hard as possible. My friend said stop and was going to me anx tried to take the stick from me but i dodged bcs i felt like i had to do it. Then i pulled the stick up and hammered it intoo my arm. It was bleeding but it didnt hurt. I was confused bcs it actually felt good. My friend was shocked and slapped me XD. I realized then i had a problem hh.
Depressed for no reason
Depression Support / by birnus
Last post
 July 16th, 2021
...See more My live is good and i schouldnt be feeiling that way. Im just sad unmotivated and tired for no reason. I know when it started and why but only bcs of that. Idkn my live is good im just really depressed and i feel weak bcs of that. Many people have a hard live and are happy and then there is me.
Im not made for a relationship
Relationship Stress / by birnus
Last post
 July 19th, 2021
...See more I started texting a girl more than 1 year ago. We were only texting even tho she was in my paralel class and our school. I after a vew months of only texting i ask her out bcs i was drunk, but she already had a online relationship then and we just stayed friends. It really broke my heart back then but i was over it quite was so it was fine. We kept on texting everyday and one day she ask me if i still like her and i said yes bcs i was hoping she ask me that bcs she likes me too. And yes she said she liked me too. We met sometimes in private bcs she is to shy to talk in school but i messed things up. When i talked with her i loose all of my social skills and personality and she lost interrest after a vew calls and one more meeting. Then i decided to cut ties till school starts bcs i wanted to stop seehin her as gf potential so i can be normal friends with her again bcs were probably go intoo the same class and our classes are v small. She was okay with it but it seemed more like she was waiting for that moment and even kind of relived im finally gone. After that day i've been feeling down more depressed than usual and i think i catched an sleeping dissorder too. I gues im really just not made for a relation ship bcs im pretty low on eq. I always think rationally and put my emotions aside bcs i dont know when how and whot i should do in wich moments. Idkn whot to rn tbh. I dont want to anoy her any further but i also dont want to lose here bcs its funn texting her and playing games with her.
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