Help! Loosing Friends/ Coping with the Void
Hello! I don’t even know where to start. For years I had two best friends. They were like sisters to me. We were always in a circle together. They even saved my life from attempted suicide a few years back and got me the help I desperately needed. We are in our early 20’s now and trying to build our now independent lives while also supporting each other. That is, until last spring. One of my friends found a boyfriend last year and moved 45 minutes away. No real problems yet. Just means a longer drive. However, for the past year the other friend in the circle and I have barely seen her. We try desperately to make plans and have her involved but she either wants the boyfriend to tag along so she can keep all of her attention on the boyfriend, leaves very early to be off with the boyfriend, or cancels plans last minute. I would of never thought she would become so dependent on this guy that she’s only known for over a year now over the friends that helped and support for over 10. I tried to brush it off as typical newly couple, puppy love but it’s getting ridiculous. All my empathy and understanding has run out and I tried to set some boundaries, especially about the plan canceling which became an almost guarantee thing whenever plans were made for just seeing each other. She got unnecessarily angry at me and wouldn’t talk to me for weeks. (All I asked calmly was to give me a little more heads up.) She treats the other friend the same way. It’s so sickening. She barely talks to me anymore. Even just a call or text asking how things are going. So, I’m in a way giving up on bending over backwards to have her, “grace me with her presence.” I’m utterly heart broken. If it weren’t for her, I would be dead. I still have my time and talk with my the other friend of the group and she’s been wonderful. However, she has other friends and family she takes time and honestly I think leaning on due to all of this. All the right too her! She doesn’t have to spend all her free time with me. However, I have no friends. I have no family to lean on too. In my life, it was just us three for years. Now, I’ve been coping with this void and it’s eating me alive. I haven’t found anyone out in the wild that connects with me. I’m not desperate to find someone. I enjoy my own presence too. I just can’t be alone all the time. Especially during the time where we used to spend that time together, or had group chats, phone calls, just knew without a doubt that someone loved me. I’ve been having breakdowns almost everyday for the past 2 weeks. I don’t want to eat. I’m having a hard time going to sleep. I struggle with my basic needs like showering now. And I can’t even reach out to the people I always relied on and called, “family.” I can’t even try. I don’t want attention out of pity. So much more is happening but this is my main obstacle because it used to be where I went to be safe. So, how do you cope with being alone when it’s not good for you? Why do I love myself yet feel so uncomfortable that the few people I love don’t really love me anymore. I do I not full back into being a depressed suicidal mess? Any advice, please….
Hi, You know, it's wonderful to have life-long friends, but sometimes when people are in their twenties they can drift apart for different reasons. This can happen any time in life, really. I think the shifting friendships and your age and even feeling sad about it is pretty normal. I think that your friends still love you, but as you said you are all moving into adulthood. You stated that your one friend had been dating this guy for a year. Some people actually get married in that time frame. I have a dear friend that will call me and want to talk all day, but she rarely answers her phone when I call her. It may seem unfair, but I love her anyway and I know this about her and I accept it. I think with any relationship it comes down to what we are willing to accept. I know it's disheartening to feel like friends aren't there when we need them. I don't think most people are purposefully trying not to be there for others, but rather just get caught up in their own (busy) lives. This means that they still love you, and most likely want you to go out and have a fun filled life, too. Making new friends can be difficult at times, but it can also be fun to get to know new people! The trick is to put yourself out there, or maybe join a group with similar interests. For example, if you enjoy reading you might find like-minded people at a library book club. As far as feeling depressed and suicidal, talking with a counselor might be helpful.