Getting things off my chest...
I don't really know who knows my story and how much of my story you know. I have posted before, and I also put a small intro on my profile.
Today is a very bad day for me. I have been feeling helpless, and I feel at any moment something horrible will happen to make my life even worse. I have no family, and I have no friends. I come to 7 cups every day, and I have connections with several people that I could call friends and family. But the problem is that everyone has their own problems, their own life, their own challenges just like I do. The only difference is that it feels that people have support systems, whether it's a family member, a friend, and/or a therapist who is willing to catch them if they fall.
I literally fell, and everyone in my life scattered because of my attempt and because of finding out that I was a cheater. Yes, I was unfaithful to my wife and, honestly, I could live with the suffering of my crime, but the fact that the woman that I truly did love hates me so much... The amount of damage that I have caused with my actions goes beyond my conviction, beyond my ability to forgive myself. I feel the pain I caused my wife, I feel the pain I caused my mother-in-law, my father-in-law. They loved me so much, and I betrayed them. And it's not okay. It's not who I am now.
I broke myself, physically, mentally, and emotionally. They say that once the glass is cracked it can't be fixed. I want to offer a different opinion, the glass is cracked and therefore is 10 times more important to realize how delicate the glass is now and try to repair instead of replacing it.
I know my wife is not here, she's too strong to ever let depression get to her, but to her I want to say that I learned what is important in life. Those 4 years in prison taught me so much and you're the only one I want to see benefit from those lessons. I love you, and I pray every day that God inspires you to feel that I am not the monster you think I am. And I hope one day you reach out to me. I will be here, waiting, crying, and praying. You matter to me, you mean everything to me.
@GreekCatPerson
Have you ever told her what you would give up to make sure you would never cheat again?
If it happened in your job, are you willing to change your job?
If it happened by texts, are you willing to give her real-time access to all of your chat accounts?
Could you ask her to just walk with you one night per week for 30 minutes? Just a walk, instead of having to completely forgive you and take you back?
Are you willing to write her and tell her that you know it will take a long time to earn her trust again, and asked her what would be the first step you could do?
Have you ever written her a hand-written letter? No texts, no emails, no typing, just with your hand?
But I have to say, you sound very sincere. I really believe you that you love her, and that you really wish you could go back and have never hurt her. I really believe that you will never do something like that again. So, even if she will not allow you to slowly prove who you are to her, I think you will be loyal to someone. I don't think you will ever cheat on anybody ever again. And if you are a loyal person, you will someday meet someone else. Because loyal people are rare. Even if they made mistakes on their way to deciding they would always be a loyal person. I think that is you.
You are a new person, and you can start a new life. That really can happen.
@RedWell
Yes, it happened at work, and I no longer work there, or anywhere else for that matter. A felony is difficult to overcome and find employers who are willing to overlook the past. And what's important (for me anyway) is that after my experience with the coworker, I learned that the grass is not greener on the other side. I stopped all those connections and tried to work on myself, but fell into the trap of my mental illnesses, depression and anxiety. But the damage was done.
I am more than willing to do whatever it takes to earn her trust back, but she doesn't care about me anymore.
The best I can do is ask God that my absence from her life brings her some sort of peace. As far as my own peace is concerned... I need His help, and His love. But I fear that part of the lesson I have to learn is to do things on my own. And I don't know how. I don't know how to be what He wants me to be.
Thank you for responding, @RedWell, I truly appreciate your feedback and opinions. I'm ready to learn whatever I can to become a person that someone out there would want to be with.
@GreekCatPerson
I pray and ask God too. I pay attention better to what I think He is teaching me when I am not in a relationship (a fact I don't like to acknowledge). I become a better person when life hurts. I stay the same at best and get consumed in a relationship if I don't have an unshakeable plan to be balanced in life. And although I don't like the alone seasons in life, that's when I slowly realize what I need to remove from my life, what I need to add, to be ready to meet someone, so that I don't mess it up. Now that you've explained more, my gut feeling is that God is getting you ready for someone new down the road, leaving the past. It's not such a bad idea to think of the woman you will meet in real terms, because she is waiting to meet you too, wondering if you exist, very discouraged at times. She is having to endure a season of too much loneliness, and slowly having her eyes opened about what she needs to remove in her life, and add to her life, to get ready for you. Have a conversation with her each day. Make sure you've got a plan to keep praying every day and a plan to keep helping others with your experience when she shows up and the work opportunity shows up in the future.
