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Rant incoming! 

I feel like a puppet. Strange way to start, but bear with me. At a young age I learned through my parents, teachers, and other adults that the way I behaved wasn't right. I talked too much, was too loud, didn't sit quietly, ask too many questions and the list goes on. Whenever I expressed myself I was told I was an attention seeker or just being difficult. I tried to just "be myself" but as time went on and I saw other people have friends and having fun I wanted that. I didn't have friends, and people didn't seem to like me at all. I got bullied a lot, and accepted that no one would like me. However, I didn't want to be alone anymore. Before I endured it, stayed true to myself until the loneliness got the better of me and I started wearing masks. 

If people wouldn't like me, then they would have to like the person they wanted me to be, right? So, I put on an act and indulged in things I didn't have the slightest interest in hoping I'd make friends. Even when I wore the mask, agreed with everything they said, they still laughed at me. I stopped trying to make friends after that. Later down the line, when I actually got into a good school and was getting straight A's that's when my parents started closing in on me. My oldest sister is an overachiever to the highest degree. 4.0 GPA, going into business and finance, trying to start her own company and everything. No doubt she is who my parents are most proud of out of all of us. Then, there's my brother who is more laid back. Also has a 4.0 GPA and is trilingual. He's trying to get into the medical field, and then there was me. The youngest who was failing all of her classes at every other school I entered, showing little to no promise in pretty much anything. All of a sudden I was a straight A student and bam they pounced on me. 

I crafted specific masks for almost all of the people around me, my parents were no different. Why can't I just tell the truth you ask, my parents couldn't handle the truth. It'd turn into a big fight, my dad would talk to us and then forget the conversation even happened. While my mom would see it as an attack at her, making her defensive and gaslight us into thinking we're the problem. So, eventually I just rolled over and let them win. Now, after all lot of reflecting, seeking help, therapy, and awareness I realized I was in fact being manipulated. If this manipulation was intentional or not I'm not sure but at this point it's irrelevant. 

When I look in the mirror I don't want to say hate, but I strongly dislike what I see. I gave everything away that made me me, so that everyone around me would be happy. I've worn so many masks that I don't remember what I actually look like. And that hurts me now, because I used to be someone. I used to have dreams and hopes as a child and now I don't even really know who I am anymore. Like a puppet you just take a string and make them do whatever you want them to do and then just toss them aside until you want to play with them again. When I look at myself it hurts because I know what I could be. I know what I want, and I know I can be who I want to be. At the same time, I'm stuck in this place where I can't do that. So, I'm left sitting and knowing what I can be but chained down to the reality that I'm not going to be able to achieve it. 

One day, I'll find a lock to the chain and wiggle my way out but one thing's for sure. Today's not that day.