talk some sense to me
Im in my second year of university, and i’m honestly not coping well at all. Im currently abroad alone but even if i were studying at home, it would be still as depressing or worse. I am used to the fact that I can’t rely on my parents for me emotional well-being or anything related - my dad himself keeps reminding me of his sickness and how he isn’t going to live long enough to support the family anymore, and I don’t wanna stress my mom with any more problems - and even if i do tell about my problems there’s nothing she can actually say or do to help.
School wise, I really want to quit or change my degree - i have been struggling so so hard and ended up relying on a friend non stop, as much as I feel terrible and incredibly bad for asking for her help everytime, i’m always twice as scared of failing my course because i would be wasting precious money to retake a course just because I failed and didn’t ask for help. I’ve been stuck in this since uni first started. every night, every single night subconsciously i would just think what if i had chosen a different path i wouldn’t have to feel this depressed , i wouldn’t have to feel this pathetic, hopeless and helpless. I have always dreamt of being independent and knowing what shit I am going to do, dreamt of being confident person without relying much help from anyone because i really do not want to ask for help anymore. The only reason why I asked for help would just be because of the thought of wasting money to redo a course. Just a moment ago, she messaged me saying she felt used because she kept helping me and didn’t receive help from me. Although I did help her sometimes, I bet she felt like those small things were nothing compared to how much she helped me. As much as I am grateful for her, I wished I never met her because then I would have so desperately relied on myself even if it meant me crying every time I encounter a problem bc that would mean i’m not relying on anyone. But i’m always contradicting myself despite the thoughts i have inside. I hate myself so much. I hate this version of me right now. I hate this feeling whenever someone tells me i’m the reason they feel hurt and used. It was never my intention to It was really not my intention to. but what was I supposed to do. I literally have no one who can comprehend what’s going on in my head right now, i have talked to my closest friends and ranted to them some time back but most of the time, the feeling of this guilt, helplessness and hopelessness just doesn’t go away, I just felt the same because my problems don’t go away even if i talk about it. So what if it feel better ranting it out, my problems don’t go away, they stay and I just feel the same as before, hopeless.
A Common phrase to comfort someone is that “ it’s okay u tried your best”, “it’s okay because u tried your best” but i don’t even deserve to hear those words because deep down I somehow know I didn’t do my best. Nothing i achieved was done w the best of my ability, i couldn’t bring myself to do my best because i couldn’t find meaning in doing my best. I would just feel more exhausted and tired than before. The results wouldn’t give me much happiness (even temporary) anyway.
The only thing comforting me right now is the fact that I’m not going to live for a long time, I’m going to leave everyone someday and then i am able to finally take a break because i’m slowly finding there’s no purpose in continuing living this life.
right now i’m just so so so tired and exhausted of trying. i despise myself for feeling this shit. I despise myself for making people tell me that they feel used because i kept asking for help. I despise myself so much I can’t wait to leave.
I don’t even have the money to see a therapist and because one it costs money, second my parents would have to know and pay fees which makes me feel even more guilty and thirdly i am already so close to reaching my limit.
A part of me wished i could do better than this and stand up and continue doing my shit and complete my degree but a part of me just wants to rest and have a break from it all. I’m just so confused and tired.