Why is it that people here claim to be experienced with Depression but when you talk they seems disinterested or just say speak to a therapist?
Why is it that people here claim to be experienced with Depression but when you talk they seems disinterested or just say speak to a therapist?
Hey Dragon, that's a great question! I'm sorry that you met some people who were disinterested or just referred you to a therapist.
For some people on here their experience with depression may be their own experience with it and it could be that a therapist helped them and they know that they may not be the most qualified to talk about it since they and many others on here are dealing with depression themselves.
I'm sorry that this is what you've come across
Hi - this somewhat answers the question.
Basically I wanted to chat with someone who will actually listen and not just say "ok" or "i'm sorry" - plus some listen to others at the same time meaning long delays in reply..
I'm sorry for that and that it didn't feel like they were listening. there are some good ones here though
It sounds like you've had a few unsatisfactory chats on here... That must be so frustrating and disappointing!
I feel like I can relate to the situation you're implying you've been through. I'm also a member on here. Depression has had a huge impact on my life and I often come here to vent and reflect on my experiences- it's a part of my self-care routine.
I've had a few less-than-pleasant chats that have left me feeling misunderstood and like my issues were dismissed. It can be really discouraging to have to go through a few listeners in order to find one who can support you, but I really want to encourage you, and anyone out there, to keep trying!
If I may share what I've noticed can improve the experience for you as a member, based on my own experience as a member/listener on here...
I've noticed as a member *and* a listener that it can really help a chat if both parties know what the member wants. Don't be afraid to directly tell the listener what you want out of the chat! (Listeners should be asking this- there's new training coming out to ensure they do this)
I've also noticed that it really help to tell a listener when the conversation is going in a direction you don't want it to. If they ask a question like "Have you considered therapy?" but you're not really looking to talk about a plan moving forward- you can meet it with something like "I'm not really here to discuss a plan moving forward right now. I came here to vent and feel heard." You're the boss! The listener is here to help YOU and should respect what you want out of a chat. Although saying what you want can be helpful- sometimes it's not enough to make the conversation worthwhile. Don't be afraid to end a conversation if it isn't helpful to you.
I've also noticed it can be really helpful to do a self-check, too. Ask yourself: What do I want out of this chat? Are my expectations realistic? How can my listener help me feel supported and give me what I want?
I'm really interested in hearing how us, as a community, can help you get the most out of your experience here! How would you like to be listened to and supported?:)
Hey Dragon.
Tough question. I think there's a lot to discuss here.
To echo what AndiLove said, I think it's safe to say that most listeners on here are caring people that want to help you feel supported and heard- they might just be really misguided on how to do that for you. I feel like, more often than not, a listener doesn't just want to be your listener- they're so eager to help you they want to be your hero, too. In their good intentions they may have forgotten to give you a space to vent and so they can support you.
Of course, there are probably quite a few people who misunderstand depression as well. They may have think they've gone through it when they haven't- so when they are actually talking to someone with it they may not have a clear idea of what it's like to be depressed and how to empathize with you.
Of course- this is a lot of "maybes" I'm throwing out here. :) There could be a lot of other reasons. I'm really curious as to how you would answer this question, Dragon. I'd love to hear your thoughts!
thanks Jenell
One reason people refer you to a professional is that their job is basically first aid, and we aren't professionals. They can supplement professional help, between sessions. If someone is listening to your problems and thinks they are serious enough to warrantfollow up with a professional, it is natural and professional to suggest it.
It is also very natural to feel sorry when someone tells you they are suffering. If a listener says they're sorry, andtells you what they are sorry about, as a previous poster did (and if what they say reflects what you have been telling them)then it indicates they are listening.
I can say that my experience here has been positive with 4 out of 5 listeners. That 1 out of 5, I do review honestly and give comments about why I reviewed that way. However, I can also say that my impression of how helpful a listener has been can be colored by my own depression. If I'm feeling really down, in that kind of mood that no one can help me, none of it feels helpful. (I try to keep that in mind when reviewing as well.)
I wondered that, Jennell. Sometimes people equate depression with unhappiness, but though that's still a tough thing to go through, it's just not the same thing. Sadness can be part of it, but there's of course more to depression than that.
I can understand the frustration, The people here mean well, and of course want to help, but they probably don't always have the experience needed. So, maybe they're not sure what to say, so revert to 'I'm sorry', 'I understand'. I'd actually prefer people to outright say if they're unsure what to say, that'd be more genuine. What I've done is tried looking for older listeners (works sometimes, not always), and anyone who says they're honest, not the typical advice givers (there's at least a couple like that here). Next time, I'm just going to be upfront about preferring that approach. I don't really expect most to be able to help with my chronic depression (over 11 years, in phases), and my situation is complex enough it takes a while even just to explain. So, maybe the forum might be better, if you need to go into more detail? I think, it's helpful if listeners validate the person's feelings - don't say 'it's Ok', say 'that sucks'! Though of course still adress it if the person has distorted negative perceptions. In my experience of depression, some with it, though not all, are not actually unlikely to have entirely accurate perceptions of their situation (ie. I can't get a job so I'm worried about finances), the thoughts about themselves (ie. I can't get a job because I'm useless) are the ones to watch out for. Not that that's always the case.
When I say, I don't expect most to be able to help, I mean, I don't expect them to be able to fix me. And that's fine. Just listening, giving advice on a very specific situation, is helpful.
Mugica,
I'm glad you posted this here. I've learned something from your posts and the responses.
I've been dealing with depression for over half my life now (and I am middle aged.) I have found the live chats to be helpful (which is part of what made me want to be a listener, now that I'm -- hopefully -- past the worst of my latest bought of major.) But not all listeners are the same, as you've seen. Maybe I've been lucky that a few of the first ones I came across were great. That gave me the desire to keep trying, and just get out of the ones that aren't helpful quickly.
Anyway, if you're interested in a live chat with me, feel free to message me and we can set up a time. As I mentioned already, I do have personal experience with depression, and I also have live training with crisis counseling that isn't offered here (50+ hours initial training plusCEUS for other volunteer work I do.)
Rachel
I do think that most people just want to be heard or witnessed. Some actually do want advice, And in that case I might say that suggesting a therapist would be great. And I do suggest that on websites where young people are feeling like they dont want to live.
But often people really are looking to be heard. Just to feel that there is someone who is willing to be with them. Even if it is online. Because with depression people can feel so isolated. I understand the tendency many have to want to help fix a situation when someone is suffering. I also understand that sometimes the very greatest gift onecan give to anotheris to just listen. To just be there. As if saying, I am here. You are not alone. Depending on the circumstances, of course.
I feel many times people seek advice and we are not here to do that. We are here to offer support and empathy towards the guest. It is not good to decide for the member/guest what he/she should do. But if you feel you need more than just emotional support and if you feel you need professional help someone who can actually advice you , you should opt for a therapist.
I haven't met anybody like that yet. I think if people search for somebody specialising in depression and depression management then they could have a very supportive chat together. I feel the best people to search for are the people with the same issues. :)
I've been through depression, but really we are not here to give advice. And if the depression is sucgh that there's no forward motion, we can listen and respons, but in the end, if it's going to take a professional counselor, it will, plus motivation on the part of the sufferrer to work through it. I casn suggest what worked for me, which is medication to control mood swings, and focussing on the positive. Some people are so deep in depression there is no light what so ever at the end of their personal tunnel. And Listeners and members here aren't a magic fix. If the person is stuck in depression, everything is over for them they can see no way out, except suicide, they need to talk to a hotline, not me. I can listen, but i can't fix people. I'm not a professional counselor, I'm a guy who has had a lot of life experience, including depression, and so in my listener profile, I selected Depression, Alcohohol Abuse, Trauma, relationship breakups, and US Navy, because I've been through that.
If as a listener, I cannot relate to a specific person's problem, I will say I might not be the best person, and try to find them one, but I will listen and help as I can.
I can show empathy, and compassion. That's what I can do and aim for.
For being depressed for over 10 years, I forgot what it is like to be "normal". How do you find out what it is to be your "normal"? I don't rememberwhat life was like before I was depressed. I need help in my brain re-wiring and I definitely do not know where to start. I can write down what I want my normal to look like, but that will have to be the most real and scary conversation I will have with myself. I am adepressed person. I am not just a person. When you have attached the depression to who you are, it is so difficult to let it go. It is the black spirit inside of you. Can you be sad when it goes away? I think you can. You can see it as something you that you colored over, expelled, or scraped away. That blackness does not have a place in your body. When you can remove yourself from who you are without the depression, I think you find out why you needed it; as a crutch, as a coping mechanism, a way to find help, and alsohow it got therein the first place. We learn through the process of getting better so I am going to start learning. What do I want out of this life? How do I achieve it? And most importantly, knowing that depression is not there with me on my journey.
The details you share might be what is causing the LIstener to refer you to a specialist or doctor. 7 Cups is nice, but it is no substitute for professional help. It's normal to have some days when you feel down, 7 Cups is a great place to cheer you back up. But if you feel down for days at a time and you can't get motivated to do activities you normally enjoy, see your doctor. This is especially important if your sleep patterns and appetite have changed or if you feel hopeless, think about suicide, or turn to alcohol for comfort or relaxation.