Trying to heal from depression and describe the illness to myself.
Everyone remembers my bad days even though remember the great things about them. I have learned that depression is the worst enemy I have ever faced. I can not see it, but it has some of the best mind control mechanisms that have ever been used. Seems like I have been chasing perfect all my life and have never understood why it could not be reached. Now I understand it cannot be reached because no matter what you do someone will not like it or make you feel like crap because once in a while you miss something, do something they do not understand, try to be helpful but because it is not what they would have done get mad at you instead. There is no such thing as perfect or even perfect for me because everyone is always trying to change someone else, judge them, criticize them, not like their actions, or not like what they like. Mistakes happen all the time, but some of us take them personally like we failed. Why do people have to make someone else feel like crap? The world has too many self-centered people and they will never admit to it. If self-centered people make a mistake it is fine no one should say a word life goes on, but they will point out everyone elses flaws. First law of self-centered people everyone else is wrong the self-centered person is right and can just keep making other feel like crap so they can feel better about themselves. Then there are the punching bags of the world made to be gentle souls looking for peace, love and happiness are great listeners, and cuddlers that make people feel safe and loved. They are not thought of for much else. Punching bags are to take all the abuse from all others and keeps it within them all while losing themselves and their self-worth. The punching bag never worries about their own feelings, thoughts, dreams, and desires just make sure others fulfill theirs. Being numb to your own feelings and dumb is the best way to survive as one of the worlds punching bags. Punching bags just try to survive, survive another day hoping their lives will change and they could experience the happiness they have seen in others. For the punching bags of the world it changes very little, but once in a lifetime they get to experience true happiness. Given the chance at happiness at the right moment in life a punching bags turns into a life companion that are all the things they are made for listed before and are the truly happy people in the world that do great things and become great husbands, fathers and friends. Given that chance at happiness to late after they are already broken souls not knowing how to express their feelings, recognize their feelings, or feel worthy enough to have happiness they turn into monsters (self-centered people). The monster punching bag are unable to function properly in everyone elses eyes because of their inability to share their thoughts, feelings and dreams properly and only create hurt, pain and sadness because of their confliction of roles. This confliction only sinks the monster further into low self-worth, as their nature and actions tear them apart internally to the point they would no longer be alive. Being the punching bag grows old and hurts, being a monster is devastating and feels hopeless. Hopefully the punching bag finds the right one in time to be saved to do great things. I wish I would have found the right one the first time our path crossed before I became a punching bag that later turned into a monster after meeting her. I am betting things would be so much different had we met when I still had the ability to be a life companion way back then. How can one heal from depression and low self-esteem to stop hurting the ones they love?
Wow! It's a tough question! I agree with you that there's no such thing as perfect. In fact, one of our values here at 7 Cups is recognizing that life is messy. The punching bag or monster idea seems very black-and-white to me, to be honest, but I can see how a person might swing from one extreme to the other, making an in-between state of mind difficult to find.
I hope you've found listeners here who understand your thinking on these things and who can help. For more serious life-changing support one of the therapists here might be worth considering. If you'd like to chat with me about these things, feel free to send me a message.
@bestPeach7500
@bestPeach7500
I wish I could feel happiness again. I once thought that I was a decent enough guy that deserved loved and happiness and now I wonder if I even deserve to be around. I once saw the best in people and now I hate to be around anyone. I am not sure if people want me around. I have had many conversations on how everyone thinks a relationship should be and now I wonder if I was lied to or just not understand. I wonder if maybe it was wishful thinking that intimacy and affection could last a lifetime instead of just the dating phase for a couple months. Does life get in the way, or do people just stop trying because they found someone they can like enough for the rest of their lives. Are guys really supposed to feel like he is loved and someone to be affectionate towards him, or am I just delusional? I wonder why I had to be the one to get depression. They say that you are never given anything you cannot handle, but I wonder if I can really handle this depression. It is one of the most vicious cycles I have ever been through. It is the worst infinite knot I have ever known with no real start and no apparent end. I have tried to determine if I had an event that triggered my depression, or if I suffered from it my entire life and it just now is showing itself because I found the right one to be with and I need some sort of test. Seems like there are so many things are tied to depression that it may never end. Which comes first anxiety or depression? I am depressed because I want affection and feel loved and not feel alone. I get anxiety because I am not sure if my wife wants to be affectionate with me or if I will have bad timing because she is not in the mood, which leads to the fear of rejection, like I am not good enough, which leads to self-worth issues because then I feel like I am fat, ugly, and unattractive, which leads to me worrying if I should say anything because I am fearful I will say something wrong, which leads me to be silent and not talk which leads to my wife thinking I am not a good communicator, which leads to me feeling like I did something wrong, and then I get more depressed because I am a failure which leads to anxiety about being a failure and then the cycle starts again without the last one being completed.
If I even try and think of myself and try to deal with this I am told I make everything about me, so why should I try, why do you want me around to be the punching bag that I am good at being. You say I am important to you, but me trying to help me is not important enough for anyone to help me or try to help give me what I would need or want. I just want to be something to someone.
