Trying to heal from depression and describe the illness to myself.

Everyone remembers my bad days even though remember the great things about them. I have learned that depression is the worst enemy I have ever faced. I can not see it, but it has some of the best mind control mechanisms that have ever been used. Seems like I have been chasing perfect all my life and have never understood why it could not be reached. Now I understand it cannot be reached because no matter what you do someone will not like it or make you feel like crap because once in a while you miss something, do something they do not understand, try to be helpful but because it is not what they would have done get mad at you instead. There is no such thing as perfect or even perfect for me because everyone is always trying to change someone else, judge them, criticize them, not like their actions, or not like what they like. Mistakes happen all the time, but some of us take them personally like we failed. Why do people have to make someone else feel like crap? The world has too many self-centered people and they will never admit to it. If self-centered people make a mistake it is fine no one should say a word life goes on, but they will point out everyone elses flaws. First law of self-centered people everyone else is wrong the self-centered person is right and can just keep making other feel like crap so they can feel better about themselves. Then there are the punching bags of the world made to be gentle souls looking for peace, love and happiness are great listeners, and cuddlers that make people feel safe and loved. They are not thought of for much else. Punching bags are to take all the abuse from all others and keeps it within them all while losing themselves and their self-worth. The punching bag never worries about their own feelings, thoughts, dreams, and desires just make sure others fulfill theirs. Being numb to your own feelings and dumb is the best way to survive as one of the worlds punching bags. Punching bags just try to survive, survive another day hoping their lives will change and they could experience the happiness they have seen in others. For the punching bags of the world it changes very little, but once in a lifetime they get to experience true happiness. Given the chance at happiness at the right moment in life a punching bags turns into a life companion that are all the things they are made for listed before and are the truly happy people in the world that do great things and become great husbands, fathers and friends. Given that chance at happiness to late after they are already broken souls not knowing how to express their feelings, recognize their feelings, or feel worthy enough to have happiness they turn into monsters (self-centered people). The monster punching bag are unable to function properly in everyone elses eyes because of their inability to share their thoughts, feelings and dreams properly and only create hurt, pain and sadness because of their confliction of roles. This confliction only sinks the monster further into low self-worth, as their nature and actions tear them apart internally to the point they would no longer be alive. Being the punching bag grows old and hurts, being a monster is devastating and feels hopeless. Hopefully the punching bag finds the right one in time to be saved to do great things. I wish I would have found the right one the first time our path crossed before I became a punching bag that later turned into a monster after meeting her. I am betting things would be so much different had we met when I still had the ability to be a life companion way back then. How can one heal from depression and low self-esteem to stop hurting the ones they love?