Suicidal thoughts haunting me; eternal sadness :((((
I feel so out of place. Nothing seems to work for me to get rid of my suicidal thoughts and depression. I try those old things/habits, get temporary happiness and then I'm back to the bad state, where I'm in my bed either overthinking about negative things, or crying out of misery which is nearly involuntary, I can't control crying. I always think that nobody loves me. It's a feeling that I always get. Negative things happen to me, and positive things never happen so of course I think so. Some of them are my fault, but most of them are people breaking my trust or hurting me when I'm clinically depressed. Most people don't even understand what clinical depression is, they think I'm just simply stressed and can just snap out of it but that's not the case. The only help that the world can offer to me is some moral support and stop acting so rudely towards me. For god's sakes, my friends take my condition as a joke. Don't I have a license to feelings? Like, I get hurt too. My friends liked me for my incredible pain tolerance, and that I would never get angry even if anyone hit me as hard as they could. That was starting to change and they think I'm putting up an act. C'mon, understand my feelings for once. I can get angry too, I get sad too and all that is far more easy for someone to accomplish when I'm clinically depressed and additionally going through teenage. I'm more prone to anger and sadness than anyone else that I know. I stress myself and only I have the right to stress myself at this age. Even I have stopped stressing myself and now others are doing it to me for some reason. I'm so overwhelmed that I get emotional outbursts of crying every week. It's frustrating, and absurd that I cry so much as a 16 year old, but what can I do, I'm overwhelmed by everything and naturally have feelings that will eventually get hurt. Either I hate the world or the world hates me. And I never do such things to anyone, why do I have to be victimized. I understand people's feelings and they appreciate it but when it comes to me, nobody takes it seriously because apparently they have never seen me being serious or I'm just inhuman or deserve to be miserable. I've always had a problem with headaches and during depression, they are like killer. I want to die if I get a migraine-like headache during such a bad mood. I can never be happy, something has to happen. I understand that life is hard, but people are supposed to not do bad things when I'm clinically depressed. They should help me. Hell, the only help I want is to get out of my recovery path if you have nothing positive to contribute in my life.
I'm an overthinker, I already naturally stress myself so much that my mother scolds me. It's a natural tendency of mine to stare at surfaces and think about random things. And unfortunately, that isn't helping with my depression. Stress builds up easily and suicidal thoughts easily take over my thought process. I'm irrational with my thoughts nowadays, and I always think that I'm the dumbest human being on the planet. I can't help thinking that everyone thinks of me as dumb and even I have no self-confidence. Do I have any worth at all? I'm always curious and the answer to it would probably hurt my feelings even more. That's what everything is meant to be for, to hurt my feelings. I might very well be a waste of oxygen and deluding myself to think that I'm not for 16 years. I thought I was intelligent until I got depressed, now I have so much depleted reasoning and logical skills, I can't process anything. I'm the dumbest person on the planet, and maybe, just deserve this because I'm the most dumbest human everborn. It always happens that my mood gets bad and I justify suicide. I'm not insane enough to suicide, I don't even have guts. I just want someone else to kill me so it can't be labelled a suicide. And people ruin my mood bad enough to trigger my suicidal thoughts. I'm not lying when I say that I'm shaking and crying while typing this, so please excuse the mistakes.
My friends refused to take my condition seriously, and beat me up so badly that I got a limp on my leg, a headache and hurt privates. I got kicked in the privates as a joke. I would be very upset if I wasn't depressed, and the fact is, the depression doesn't really help in taking beatdowns, and getting hurt in the privates. I couldn't sleep for days because the injuries wouldn't let me find many comfortable sleeping positions. And I cried for hours in the headache. I fell asleep out of exhaustion of crying, but then got sleep paralysis attacks where I was so scared, that I started shaking involuntarily and my suicidal side was in full mode now. I have recovered since then, made peace with my friends but I CAN'T GET OVER IT. Is my health so unimportant that you're gonnabeat me up so badly that I go against my will and possibly suicide? I warned them about my suicidal thoughts, and they still do something that will turn me insane? Like, don't I matter? That's what I get for being a loyal friend? It only makes sense to think that nobody loves me and I'm worthless. I was always nice and helping to everybody and that's what I deserved? Conclusion, I never mattered. I didn't do anything wrong, I'm just a worthless punching bag, I guess. I guess I lived 16 years to finally face the harsh truth that I'm worthless and unintelligent and every other negative adjective in the English language.
I realize I might be irrational in all this, but who cares. I'm being irrational, that's more reason for me to hate myself and others to hate me as well. I can't process simple things about life because nothing I say ever makes sense, and that's because I'm dumb and unintelligent. I'm not fishing for compliments, I just really have realized that it was somehow my fault all along for having any self-confidence. What's the point of having self-confidence anyways when you're actually so delusional and pathetic? I'm not gonna kill myself but I hate myself so much right now. I don't know who's fault it is. Whether the world is right for treating me badly or I just deserve to be miserable, or dead. I don't know.
All I know is that I'm never ever going to be happy, even if I want to be. My own friends would break my trust because it's so funny and cool. They pushed me again into the asylum of suicidal thoughts because they're passing righteous judgement, apparently.
I will say this again, this is my emotions talking so I might be very irrational and unintelligent in my stupid theories. But that's only because I'm too stupid to get over my emotions. I always overthink about stuff, negative stuff and stress myself. I'm one of own greatest enemies when it comes to stress, maybe I just need to kill my own greatest enemy, which is me. The habit of overthinking is driving me insane, because I have nothing better to do. I can't find anything interesting, so I cry in self-pity and misery. That's what I deserve. Or get. Or both.
Have you ever tried not thinking? I know this sounds silly, but when the thoughts. Rush around in your head like a whirlpool of blackness and you feel your inner self drowning in it, let go and close your eyes and let yourself sink into the blackness of the waters, focus on your breathing and still the waters of your mind. Just be, float within yourself and see where you go.
Simply not possible with what I go through. I'm usually in a headache or something. I mean, it's simply not possible get over my emotions and stop crying. No, I can't stop thinking. I tried many times, but I know I get back to square one after an hour or so of trying to not think. No, just no. I appreciate the advice, really I do but it doesn't work.
I'm sorry to hear you're dealing with depression. It's not an easy thing to deal with and often people seem so lost and hopeless. It's hard to reach out for help because you don't even know if it's worth it. You're not alone. Don't act upon suicidal thoughts and don't harm yourself in any way. You can get through this. Most people don't even know how to put how they're feeling into words. If you ever need to talk to someone, feel free to send me a message. I know how exhausting and challenging depression can be.
Thanks for the help and encouragement. But I've been saying this to myself that I can get through this since a long time. In any ailment, I can get through it, usually. But in this, all that willpower to get through it has been destroyed. The willpower which one uses to get through other ailments, just doesn't simply work in depression because depression drains out any mental or emotional strength you might be having. It's frustrating that everyone says I'll be better but then things only get worse. My friends rendered me a crying pile of humanity even after I warned them about my suicidal thoughts. Nobody really cares if I die or not. I wasn't asking for any help, I was just telling them to not do anything that might worsen my condition and they couldn't even do that. They beat me up in every aspect with the main aspect being emotional. I don't think I would have ever done this to anyone, why do they hurt my feelings(and privates) like this?
What conclusion could I form from this? That the friends that I trust and was loyal towards, don't care if a joke beatdown renders me suicidal and dead? Here's the thing, they never really thought I was clinically depressed. Why? Because I'm never ailing or hurting from anything. That must mean I'm superhuman and can take any amount of abuse. Ffs, I have feelings too. They didn't believe me because it's rare for me to fall sick or something. Like, why don't you just believe my word? They only realized until I started crying. I don't even... know what to say. It's just a horrible feeling of heartbreak.
It takes time. I never thought that the depression would lighten, but it has when I finally reached out and got help.
Those don't sound like friends. It may be hard, but you can leave those toxic friends.
I would be so lonely if I leave my friends. Right now, I have holidays and nobody of my age lives near my house. So I'm isolated and suffering alone in a room.
Well limit what you tell them. Limit your contact, and definitely speak up if they're starting to hurt you. You don't have to leave, but you need to make sure you're not getting walked all over.
Sorry you are going thru this. Sounds like you need to talk to someone. Can you go to your school counselor? Parents or your doctor? It would help a lot. And just remember, it does get better. You are not stupid. You are just depressed. Please don't hurt yourself. There are 1 800 numbers for you to call also if it gets too bad. You are young and have a beautiful life left to live.
Thanks for the kind words. I appreciate it. I have just reached an emotional meltdown at this point of my life. I'm only 16 and have went through quite a lot. I sometimes think I really don't matter, so maybe I should die. It's a really hard question, do I really matter?
I'm too shy to tell anyone about this. But people do negative things to me, like my friends. I feel so cornered and suicidal that I wouldn't even question my decision if I get the urge to suicide. I think if someone saves me when I'm insane, then good but otherwise, I might be very dangerous yet accepting towards death. I can't trust my instincts anymore. I don't want to die, but I also think that I'm worthless. I'm just looking for some answers, and sometimes, I don't even have the patience for the answers and might end up doing something fatal.
Can you do me a favor and call a hotline? Or 911 if you feel like you might hurt yourself. I was shy too at your age. I know it's so hard to be that age and have problems with school and have family problems. You are so worth living. You just need to see that for yourself.
hey love, I feel u. I understand that u think nobody loves u but that is not true. u have your parents, grandparents or even cousins, They love u! I get depression can be a tough thing to overcome but it is possible. Now coming from experience In order for positive things to happen u must think positive honey, now I've learned that if u think negative, negative things are going to happen. Now listen depression is an emotion, no one can fully be depressed, inside a soul there is hapiness. It's all in ur mind, now u need to forget thinking about negative things, it is hard because of the world we live in but u also need to learn that there is much more to life then negativity and depression. U can find ur happiness simply surrounding URSELF with positive people, I see ur friend don't take ur depression seriously, but that's because when u guys are together they just want all of u guys to be happy and have an awesome time! but when u talk about ur depression that just makes them in a positin where they don't know how to react because they don't know what it's like. Now I am not tryin to be rude please don't take this in an offensive way but I belive in telling the truth the way it is, I think u feel so bad for URSELF u want other to feel bad with u, now I used to be like that. I felt like I had nobody, but truth is I did. I never wanted to believe people wanted to help me, but I came to realize, how are they going to help me if I don't help myself... It all comes down to u thinking positive, surrounding yourself with bomb a** people and having an open mind. We are a community here and we love one another, so u are very brave to post this! we love u and if u need any help try getting in touch with me cause I was right in ur shoes and I over came it. love u!
