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I feel so out of place. Nothing seems to work for me to get rid of my suicidal thoughts and depression. I try those old things/habits, get temporary happiness and then I'm back to the bad state, where I'm in my bed either overthinking about negative things, or crying out of misery which is nearly involuntary, I can't control crying. I always think that nobody loves me. It's a feeling that I always get. Negative things happen to me, and positive things never happen so of course I think so. Some of them are my fault, but most of them are people breaking my trust or hurting me when I'm clinically depressed. Most people don't even understand what clinical depression is, they think I'm just simply stressed and can just snap out of it but that's not the case. The only help that the world can offer to me is some moral support and stop acting so rudely towards me. For god's sakes, my friends take my condition as a joke. Don't I have a license to feelings? Like, I get hurt too. My friends liked me for my incredible pain tolerance, and that I would never get angry even if anyone hit me as hard as they could. That was starting to change and they think I'm putting up an act. C'mon, understand my feelings for once. I can get angry too, I get sad too and all that is far more easy for someone to accomplish when I'm clinically depressed and additionally going through teenage. I'm more prone to anger and sadness than anyone else that I know. I stress myself and only I have the right to stress myself at this age. Even I have stopped stressing myself and now others are doing it to me for some reason. I'm so overwhelmed that I get emotional outbursts of crying every week. It's frustrating, and absurd that I cry so much as a 16 year old, but what can I do, I'm overwhelmed by everything and naturally have feelings that will eventually get hurt. Either I hate the world or the world hates me. And I never do such things to anyone, why do I have to be victimized. I understand people's feelings and they appreciate it but when it comes to me, nobody takes it seriously because apparently they have never seen me being serious or I'm just inhuman or deserve to be miserable. I've always had a problem with headaches and during depression, they are like killer. I want to die if I get a migraine-like headache during such a bad mood. I can never be happy, something has to happen. I understand that life is hard, but people are supposed to not do bad things when I'm clinically depressed. They should help me. Hell, the only help I want is to get out of my recovery path if you have nothing positive to contribute in my life.
I'm an overthinker, I already naturally stress myself so much that my mother scolds me. It's a natural tendency of mine to stare at surfaces and think about random things. And unfortunately, that isn't helping with my depression. Stress builds up easily and suicidal thoughts easily take over my thought process. I'm irrational with my thoughts nowadays, and I always think that I'm the dumbest human being on the planet. I can't help thinking that everyone thinks of me as dumb and even I have no self-confidence. Do I have any worth at all? I'm always curious and the answer to it would probably hurt my feelings even more. That's what everything is meant to be for, to hurt my feelings. I might very well be a waste of oxygen and deluding myself to think that I'm not for 16 years. I thought I was intelligent until I got depressed, now I have so much depleted reasoning and logical skills, I can't process anything. I'm the dumbest person on the planet, and maybe, just deserve this because I'm the most dumbest human ever born. It always happens that my mood gets bad and I justify suicide. I'm not insane enough to suicide, I don't even have guts. I just want someone else to kill me so it can't be labelled a suicide. And people ruin my mood bad enough to trigger my suicidal thoughts. I'm not lying when I say that I'm shaking and crying while typing this, so please excuse the mistakes.
My friends refused to take my condition seriously, and beat me up so badly that I got a limp on my leg, a headache and hurt privates. I got kicked in the privates as a joke. I would be very upset if I wasn't depressed, and the fact is, the depression doesn't really help in taking beatdowns, and getting hurt in the privates. I couldn't sleep for days because the injuries wouldn't let me find many comfortable sleeping positions. And I cried for hours in the headache. I fell asleep out of exhaustion of crying, but then got sleep paralysis attacks where I was so scared, that I started shaking involuntarily and my suicidal side was in full mode now. I have recovered since then, made peace with my friends but I CAN'T GET OVER IT. Is my health so unimportant that you're gonna beat me up so badly that I go against my will and possibly suicide? I warned them about my suicidal thoughts, and they still do something that will turn me insane? Like, don't I matter? That's what I get for being a loyal friend? It only makes sense to think that nobody loves me and I'm worthless. I was always nice and helping to everybody and that's what I deserved? Conclusion, I never mattered. I didn't do anything wrong, I'm just a worthless punching bag, I guess. I guess I lived 16 years to finally face the harsh truth that I'm worthless and unintelligent and every other negative adjective in the English language.
I realize I might be irrational in all this, but who cares. I'm being irrational, that's more reason for me to hate myself and others to hate me as well. I can't process simple things about life because nothing I say ever makes sense, and that's because I'm dumb and unintelligent. I'm not fishing for compliments, I just really have realized that it was somehow my fault all along for having any self-confidence. What's the point of having self-confidence anyways when you're actually so delusional and pathetic? I'm not gonna kill myself but I hate myself so much right now. I don't know who's fault it is. Whether the world is right for treating me badly or I just deserve to be miserable, or dead. I don't know.
All I know is that I'm never ever going to be happy, even if I want to be. My own friends would break my trust because it's so funny and cool. They pushed me again into the asylum of suicidal thoughts because they're passing righteous judgement, apparently.
I will say this again, this is my emotions talking so I might be very irrational and unintelligent in my stupid theories. But that's only because I'm too stupid to get over my emotions. I always overthink about stuff, negative stuff and stress myself. I'm one of own greatest enemies when it comes to stress, maybe I just need to kill my own greatest enemy, which is me. The habit of overthinking is driving me insane, because I have nothing better to do. I can't find anything interesting, so I cry in self-pity and misery. That's what I deserve. Or get. Or both.
