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Not getting better

0820170719105 September 13th, 2020

Nothing is getting better. I'm probably past the best times at this point. Nothing is even happening but I'm getting worse again. Because of course. They're right. I guess I really am weak and useless.

Falling behind in school, slowly losing what's left of my friends, can't improve in hobbies, can't even take care of basic needs consistently.

I can't stomach the thought of 'things will get better.' Life is not a fairytale. It won't happen like some cathartic turn around in a novel. Having expectations like that will only end in disappointment. It's my fault I'm not grateful. That's why I'm unhappy. I feel guilty over that too. I should be grateful I have a roof over my head, that I can go to school, that I have medication, that I'm alive. But I'm not happy that I'm alive. At all.

Wish someone else could take my place. Someone who deserves it more. I hate waking up everyday. But wishing does nothing, and I'm stuck here; so I have to accept this reality.

It won't last forever. This stress is probably going to kill me early. And I do deserve it so it's fine. At least no one will miss me even if I fantasize about it. No one will be hurt anymore.

I don't even care what kind of insult I get at this point. Whatever you say will absolutely not change the fact that I'm still far from capable, that no one wants to be around me, and how weak I am. Willpower doesn't bend reality.

3
33Blessings September 13th, 2020

I used to feel like that...for most of my life. It was a lie. Not sure which or what line of recovery started to sink in, but it is. I still feel like that from time to time. I believe that suicide only brings you right back where you left off, so I don't believe it helps. I tell myself that I did not put myself here, so it is not for me to say if I belong. Those of us that process the world a little differently often feel like we are in theis world but not of it. All I can tell you is that you are serving me by being here. I thank you for breathing today. May Peace find you.

1 reply
0820170719105 OP September 13th, 2020

@33Blessings

Can't say it applies to me but I'm glad you're in a better place now. Hope you're having a nice day regardless

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