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0820170719105
1,800 M Hopeful Heart 1
PathStep 63 Compassion hearts43 Forum posts117 Forum upvotes110 Current upvotes110 Age GroupAdult Last activeApril, 2023 Member sinceNovember 17, 2019
Recent forum posts
dec
Depression Support / by 0820170719105
Last post
 December 22nd, 2020
...See more i think i'm at the end of the line here. dead end. i was in denial but i kind of already knew. i just have no future. i like to think i had a chance, but honestly, i never did. not sure how to feel. it's just being tired from nothing all the time. i don't even really expect sympathy from people. i get why they'd look down on me for being so weak and incompetent,. it is what it is. my life is kind of bad but i know it's my fault. my options are few now if any. i exhausted them all (and failed them all, naturally) watching an innocent animal die has been the last straw for me after all this time, i was right that your best doesn't mean anything. if it doesn't cut it it just doesn't. despite my pathetic efforts, it still died. everything dies or disappears in my life i guess. i can only blame myself. i no longer have the energy to delay the inevitable. i really gave it my best shot, but again, that's barely anything at all. at this point i sort of drained any drive left in me. well, i was happy once. once is more than i could have ever asked for. it makes no difference what happens anymore. only the same thing happens over and over again. i'm just waiting until the day i don't wake up anymore. then i can finally disappear alongside my memories in peace. i look forward to it
Sept 13
Journals & Diaries / by 0820170719105
Last post
 September 13th, 2020
...See more Well my thread got deleted and I have no idea why but I probably did something wrong again. Things are just getting worse. Hope today is forgiving to everyone.
Not getting better
Depression Support / by 0820170719105
Last post
 September 13th, 2020
...See more Nothing is getting better. I'm probably past the best times at this point. Nothing is even happening but I'm getting worse again. Because of course. They're right. I guess I really am weak and useless. Falling behind in school, slowly losing what's left of my friends, can't improve in hobbies, can't even take care of basic needs consistently. I can't stomach the thought of 'things will get better.' Life is not a fairytale. It won't happen like some cathartic turn around in a novel. Having expectations like that will only end in disappointment. It's my fault I'm not grateful. That's why I'm unhappy. I feel guilty over that too. I should be grateful I have a roof over my head, that I can go to school, that I have medication, that I'm alive. But I'm not happy that I'm alive. At all. Wish someone else could take my place. Someone who deserves it more. I hate waking up everyday. But wishing does nothing, and I'm stuck here; so I have to accept this reality. It won't last forever. This stress is probably going to kill me early. And I do deserve it so it's fine. At least no one will miss me even if I fantasize about it. No one will be hurt anymore. I don't even care what kind of insult I get at this point. Whatever you say will absolutely not change the fact that I'm still far from capable, that no one wants to be around me, and how weak I am. Willpower doesn't bend reality.
nothing really
Depression Support / by 0820170719105
Last post
 August 13th, 2020
...See more I don't know the point of me posting this honestly. I don't even have real problems like everyone else. Normally I'd just talk to a therapist but this stupid quarantine makes it so I can't, as I have no real privacy at home and it'd cause even more fights People just... they're all just disappearing from my life and it's like I never existed I guess I deserve it, even if it's only every two weeks or something maybe I'm still annoying or clingy I mean I knew deep down I didn't mean anything to anyone, that once I stopped it'd be no one had even ever existed, but I'm very delusional and I still hoped deep down even one person would maybe care? But I know and I can see clearly now I have nothing that could ever make me important or even slightly memorable. Once I stopped talking to family, once I stopped letting them use me it's like they never knew me or something. I stopped initiating for a week and a friend just never reached out again. This happened with another person as well...in that one i guess it's more my fault... I'd messed up badly several times in a relationship, I still loved them and was very close to them, you know still saying I love you and all that. Suddenly I didn't hear from them in months, when we reconnected, which only happened because I still reached out, suddenly they were with someone else. In a matter of months. I never heard anything. We started talking again but I notice a distance growing even with how I try.
I lost everything. Tying up loose ends.
Relationship Stress / by 0820170719105
Last post
 July 1st, 2020
...See more Recently I've come to terms with how unlikely it was for me to truly connect with anyone. I cut off people who made me a person I wasn't proud of, but in the process I no longer have friends or family. What was really the breaking straw for me was learning someone I still love moved on and found someone else. We had been together before but I sabotaged it and abandoned them in their time if need so I understand. I deeply regret it and wish I had done my best but what's done is done. They're willing to still be in contact so I'm still happy about that. But I guess since they were the only person who really ever cared about me mutually, the loss is much more devastating. I remember I tried to leave so they could find someone better. I guess it really happened. It hurts so badly but I understand the repercussions. I am happy for them and their partner too, honestly. I'm sure they deserve each other. I know I have to tell them at some point I still love them non platonically but I don't know when will be the right time. How would I know if it was the right time? I don't want to take advantage of their kindness, getting to be near them without them knowing what kind of light I still see them in. Even if they're my last friend, that doesn't matter and I refuse to drag them down with me. I'm really anticipating people to insult me. I wouldn't be surprised. It does sound pathetic. But if there's even a slim chance of hearing solid wisdom on this I'll take the chance.
just a vent
Relationship Stress / by 0820170719105
Last post
 June 5th, 2020
...See more I probably burned all my bridges. Well, it was my choice. Honestly, they weren't very good bridges to begin with, to go along with the metaphor. I've decided to seriously cut ties with my siblings. To be specific, my older sibling. They were the last...""friend"" I had. My other connections are falling as collateral damage. I kind of don't have anyone at all anymore. No family, no friends. It's starting to heavily affect me mentally, though. There's nothing that will distract me from the crushing loneliness that always followed me. I mean crushing very literally. (Due to the stress it apparently puts me in, I'm having very heavy suffocating sensations. My chest hurts a lot. My limbs also feel weird and detached? I don't appreciate it.) I often wish I hadn't taken this place to be born. I don't really get along with anyone. I guess I come off as annoying, weird, and boring to them. Doesn't matter what persona I adopt, eventually all the fake paint has to come off. I can't do that right either I guess. To be objective, I can hold a conversation, but it's one-sided and only about the other person. I guess I'm just not worth bothering to put effort into. Tried to bring myself up in them before, but it hits dead ends. Not gonna, lie, it's kind of comical how hard people don't want to hear it. I want to laugh but it hurts, too. I remember bringing up my problem of feeling outcast and pushed out to different people. And then they all said it was my fault, basically. "You're not giving them a chance!" Of course, there's actually some truth to this statement. But I'm not gonna push my chances on people who go to Jupiter when I try to include myself in my own conversation. No matter who I turn to, I'm always in the wrong about this. My being is always wrong. That whole idea that the right person will stay, is true, but people can't seem to accept that those people are next to nonexistent for me. Somehow it's my fault that...people turn me away? I'm not perfect, furthest thing from perfect. Of course I have flaws. But it doesn't make sense how I'm the one at fault when I can't even get 5 sentences that aren't entirely catered to them. I only ever had one real friend, but i actually burned that one. Just so I can fit with some people who forget I'm in the room. I guess this is harsh but I find myself disgusted by people's expectations of friendships more and more. In particular how they apply it to me. There would always be an undertone, of how I was wasn't considered acceptable and I needed to go every length to change it. That I wasn't trying hard enough when I couldn't do it like "normal people." Of course people don't say it so bluntly like that. It's just implied over time. Even now someone's probably going to come and put me in a box, say I have a loser's attitude or something. It only makes me feel more and more distant. Recently, I've been feeling less and less. I'm really at a breaking point now I guess. I'm struggling to really hold on to anything. I'm only still here because I kind of care about people but I no longer want to bother with them personally. In some ways I miss being blind to how cast out I was, but at the same time I would rather die this way than deform myself to please people again. I'm still nothing and there's still nothing really, but I at least get to keep what little of integrity I do have left. If you read this for some odd reason, hope you're having a good night/time. Hopefully something nice happens to you soon.
Too sensitive?
Relationship Stress / by 0820170719105
Last post
 December 29th, 2019
...See more I used to be a toxic person, and I know what I did. I know people might hate or resent me for it... But the people I live with, they used to be my friends. I have to play friendly because the truth is not appropriate nor useful right now. It's just hard because it's not like I was the ONLY toxic person. They were far from stable as well, but while I've tried to forgive the past and not hold it against them, they continue doing so. It's not even communicated appropriately at all, it's usually passive aggressive and mocking. I've yet to bring it up. But in all honesty, I don't want to. These people don't help me grow. They control aspects of my life, don't believe me, and don't wnat to hear what I have to say. Their 'support' is mocking me until I give in. There's nothing that they will offer me, our relationship is a dead end. It really puts me down, I am trying to change but it doesn't seem to mean anything. I have problems being vulnerable and admitting to flaws, because I was constantly put down and mocked as a kid. Admitting to my flaws and trying to open, only to be mocked, it's really... Most similar discussions were taken personally... They really aren't terrible people, but we don't mix. Their still-present toxic habits just happen to be my weaknesses as well. I'm honestly really close to blowing up, but I really don't want to. I'd rather settle things civilly, but I don't want to live the way they wnat me to, but I don't want to hurt them either. I already did, and it's unnecessary. Anyone have advice? Am I too sensitive? What do I do?
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