My 7 Cups Dream Journal
Entry 1: The Boxes of Cats
It was a little strange but what I remember most is visiting a house that was in my old neighborhood that I’d recently moved from (it really wasn’t, so dream logic) but I came back to collect something I left or my mother left.
It was very sad and the people who were there now were sort of okay with me wandering around and looking. I kept noticing the signs that I’d once lived there (painted over places that still revealed chipped paint and stuff I recognized from my apartment).
Then I looked beneath a couch or table and found boxes full of kittens. Two boxes were full of meowing kittens in water that the new home owners had no idea were there, and one more box held a very dead cat that was an older one from a previous litter. All of the kittens were starving without their mother and I knew that it was the reason why the older one passed.
The new owners suddenly smelled the dead cat and I took it upon myself to get rid of it. When I came back an hour later all of the kittens were gone, and when I was walking past another house I could see all the kittens. They’d all grown up into adult cats!
Hoping that today was a better day.
I also wanted to let you know that I will be away between June 23rd and July 2nd. That doesn't mean that I won't be answering messages on here. It just means that there might be a slight delay. I typically still manage to get on every night when I am away somewhere but I like to warn people in case that I miss.
Thanks for mentioning that. Please have a nice time while away
Remember that doesn't really mean anything in terms of me being in touch most of the time. I enjoy continuing to connect to people. Giving a quick warning just makes me feel better if I have to miss a day.
How was your day today? Any news on that therapy appointment or the job discussion? @integrityblues
Of course. I really do hope you have a nice time doing whatever.
My day was long and hot and painful. Lots of sweeping and raking before it got too hot but it still sucked even at the lower temperatures. I ache all over now but I’m glad I finished the chore.
I made it back inside in time for my Zoom meeting. We discussed what I had done the week before and if I’d heard back from the recruiter who contacted me- I hadn’t so she told me to call them for a follow up. She was on mute while I made the call so she heard me talking on speaker with the woman who had apparently forgotten I had applied and at first couldn’t find any of my information. I was so frustrated that I didn’t notice my job developer had opened the chat to try and coach me through the bumps in the call. The recruiter finally found my files and my email and asked if I was available on Monday at 10 a.m. for the 10-15 minute phone interview. I agreed even though it wasn’t within my available times because I just want to get it over with. She sent me an email that was slightly apologetic and referenced the date and time for our future call, I answered it to make sure my appointment would be confirmed.
I thanked her and hung up so I could continue my Zoom. Since my job developer was on mute and my phone was on speaker she could hear both sides of the conversation and gave me a gentle critique about how I could have said it differently to sound better. I got teary because it was hard enough for me to even make the call, I just have such a hard time interacting with people!
We’ve scheduled our next Zoom for after my phone interview on Monday. I also have therapy on Wednesday at 10 a.m.
I dreamt that I stepped outside. It was trash day and I noticed that someone across the street had found a snake. They picked it up and threw it away, but it was still alive and slithered out.
Somehow it ended up in my house but there was a new law passed that day that said I had to protect and keep the snake where it was found even if I didn’t want it in my house.
I’m not having a good morning. I had a call with my aunt and she decided to share that she believes I’m a high functioning autistic. I don’t need this sort of unasked for opinion as I’m preparing for a phone interview I’ve been stressed over all weekend.
I’m just too tired for any of this.
I am so sorry that this message didn't appear in my feed until now. You don't deserve your aunt's comment and I can understand how stressed and overwhelming things feel right now. Sometimes the therapy stuff feels better a few days later.
You are going to make it through this. I have faith in you. Sending lots of good vibes your way. @integrityblues
Yesterday my mom called to tell me that my younger sister has been getting worse with her behavior and fighting. My sister fights with my mom every day now, that she threw a potato peeler at mom and said she’s responsible for my sister’s drug addiction and the last 33 years she’s been living my mothers life, that she wished our mother died instead of our dad.
It’s bad enough that the manager who lives in the next door apartment has heard all the fights and said my mom should get a restraining order so my sister can’t come back on the property.
In addition to all that my sister has been saying she wants to get rid of the dog, that she wants to die, and then she’ll flip and say that she wants her dog back and takes him away from whoever she left him with or our mom.
I got my mom to remove the key she hid so now my sister can’t just get in again. My mom also called and spoke to the police, asking for help to get my sister and all her stuff out of the house without her screaming about how she’s lost something and needs to get it herself. It’s bad enough that she broke her shopping cart and lost her tent.
I spoke to my mom after and as far as I know the police didn’t come because it wasn’t an emergency and my sister isn’t armed. When I was talking to her last night she was trying to decide to do laundry or go get food because she’d been waiting for hours. I told her to wait a little longer then go get the burger she wants, not to get my sister anything, and then get home to eat and rest. That if my sister showed up and reacted negatively to my mom saying to stay away, to just call the police, to not give my sister 200 dollars that she just wastes or gets stolen from her then blames my mom about.
she said she’d check in if anything happened.
Now I’m waiting for my aunt to tell me when she’s driving home from a nice couple days spending time with friends. We’ll talk about what I initially asked for a call about (just to clear the air and discuss why she believes I’m autistic and why I disagree) but also the news about my mom and sister that took over the conversation yesterday when she called me back yesterday.
I slept horribly and just don’t want to do anything right now. I already did my job development appointment yesterday and applied to the leads we discussed. My next appointment is on Friday after my primary care Dr appointment in the morning.
Had the call with my aunt and it didn’t go very well. She’s very firm in her belief that I’m autistic and I’m having trouble handling that, but that could very well be because I hate that I know what she thinks now. And it’s not anything negative but she was quick to squash my claim that what she believes is autism is just any of my other issues. She didn’t even know about my learning disability and now has to admit that I have a point, but also had to tell me about the patient who was tested by four of the best drs for autism, tested negative but still falls into the category for it, so she thinks she’s right.
Shes now made it clear that my reaction must mean she can’t share her opinions.
I’m going to have to work on accepting others opinions without letting it get to me, but I feel like trash still.
i dreamt that I found cats and kittens inside my bathroom. I had to pick them all up and remove them from the house because though I loved them they’d shown up like a pest infestation would.
I am so sorry for the struggles with your mom and sister. You are giving out awesome advice to your mom. Your sister needs to leave if she is going to be abusive. She wants to blame everyone but herself because that is what addicts do. Hopefully she can get her stuff soon and your mom can change the locks. A restraining order may eventually be helpful to your mom.
Remember to keep an eye out for you in all of this though. Don't let yourself get pulled in too far. Remind yourself to care for your own needs first. Are you eating okay? How about exercise? Are you reading some good books?
Your aunt isn't a doctor and doesn't get to decide if you are autistic or not. Her reading something online doesn't make her an expert. Be firm and keep telling her that she doesn't need to bring it up any more because you heard her the first time. Then you can just ignore her ideas completely. She doesn't need to share her opinions on that issue any more. So if she is offended that you aren't taking her advice, that's on her. Protect yourself first. You don't deserve to feel like trash. You can also tell your aunt that is how you are feeling.
I really haven’t been doing much for myself in all this. I get up once or twice to eat and refill my water, but I just lay in bed and play mobile games or listen to audiobooks. My aunt’s HBOMAX account is on the fritz so I’ve been doing Freevee, Pluto TV, and videos on YouTube. I’ve also been sleeping.
I’ve been getting small things done so I can cook meals since all I’ve had is frozen stuff that I need to cook in an oven, then getting back in bed, then going outside to do Friday chores. Not much exercise to be had, but I’d try and do a little walking. Not very far or very fast.
I’ve been so tired and avoiding going outside because I don’t want to see a cat who looks a lot like Lil Boy who’s been gone for over a month.
It’s true my aunt isn’t a dr. She’s a psychiatric nurse who works in a hospital and deals with many types of patients in her unit, including autistic people. The story I mentioned was something she witnessed herself.
I felt like trash because in addition to this autism stuff she’s labeling me with without considering how I feel about it, she’s also questioning my job development. How it’s supposed to work and why haven’t they or the DOR gotten me a job yet? I know I’ve described this to her before, but I did it again. I tried to describe what was supposed to be done: that it’s never about jobs being handed to us, we have to apply and follow up or work with job developers who assist us my working on our interviewing skills, how to search for jobs and what/where to look, as well as resume writing.
I gave her an example of how a job developer could, for example, go to a job fair and speak with recruiters and see if they’re hiring people with disabilities, if the jobs are there, and they’d trade information that could be given to me so I can apply for those jobs but it doesn’t mean I’ll get it just because they spoke- that it could be an issue with the bosses or owners of the companies.
Then I told her about the jobs I've just applied for at the beginning of the week and was told by my developer to really try and apply to one specific one because she thought that she might be able to reach out to the hiring manager or company to talk me up and suggest that they hire me and offer training. The DOR could probably offer to pay my salary for the first three months as incentive.
The only thing my aunt took away from this was that I hadn’t done anything to get it started.
I told her that I did my part already and emailed my developer about my progress and if I’d been told no right off the bat. That I’d have my next appointment with her after my drs appointment this Friday, but my aunt is adamant that I have to do more. I can’t make offers to hiring managers or talk myself up like the developer could, and that I’d already been denied for the damned position! That it was up to my job developer whether to pursue it and I’m not going to hound my job developer when I’ve already sent an email! I agreed that sure, maybe my job developer could talk them around but I’m so tired of trying really hard and getting nothing back for my efforts.
I was so stressed out and crying that I forced the conversation to a stop, caught my breath, and then said “now, I’d like to shift the conversation off this topic” I told a story my mom just told me about a time when my dad had the worst athlete’s foot ever, that the poor man was brought to tears and crying for my mom to get him his cream. Of course my mom also said that he kept blaming her for the whole situation, so it was kind of funny and kind of sad.
Then I tried to open the conversation to the purpose of the call in the first place, but we’ve already touched on that.
It took me all day after that call to try and be the bigger person and texted her that I was willing to agree to disagree on the subject of autism. That I loved her very much and didn’t want to make her feel like she couldn’t speak her mind, that I greatly value her opinions and thoughts…just not on the autism. That I wasn’t going to block her for this argument because I’m not my mother.
She replied that it was good to hear.
I apologize for the length of this reply. I tried condensing it but editing isn’t my strong suit.
We found the community cat who was the darling of our block. My neighbor texted because he found the cat chilling beneath a car. I went out and sat on the curb near the car and tried to gently call the cat to me, sat and talked him, then finally asked my neighbor for some cat food to see if it would help.
The cat looks thinner but better groomed than usual, but he also didn’t want to approach me for pets and love, and he wasn’t meowing to me at all.
He avoided the food and eventually ran away from me.
I think he’s become feral in the month he’s been gone. I told my neighbor that we can try and build positive associations with food and water.
Its just so sad…the lil guy looks like he doesn’t even know me anymore, but I should be grateful that he’s alive.
My mom told me that things have gotten worse with my sister. She harassed our mom yesterday then showed up again this morning causing trouble. I told her to ask her to get her stuff and leave, then call the police if she refused to go away after that.
Mom is going to file a report and get started on the work for a restraining order, but she has to do it all in person.
my mom finally mentioned another problem from her years and years of smoking- she gets these black spots on her fingers and toes that make her lose her nails with infection. She’s got a bad toe now. I looked it up. It’s gangrene when the digits turn black and it wouldn’t surprise me if she has to have one or more amputations later on since she’s not quitting smoking.
Ok, it does sound like you continue to have a lot on your plate at the moment. I am sorry that the struggle is so hard. I know that it is hard to believe, but from an outsider's perspective you are handling things well.
Remember to begin with the core things - eat as healthy as you can, exercise as best you can or get outside, meditate or do other things to care for yourself like puzzles.
You didn't need to be "the better person" and apologize to your aunt or say that you just see things differently. She is not being kind at the moment. You are actually doing a great job with all of the job stuff. Trust your instincts, not hers. She is not inside of your head and cannot know what is best for you.
Your mom is giving you lots to worry about, but one issue at a time okay? Focus just on the immediate stuff in terms of getting your sister out of your mom's space. Talk about changing the lock. You can worry about the medical stuff after that.
I am glad you saw the cat again. Focus on that rather than worrying about the cat. You will help the cat become friendly again. Remember (as is true of all of this) that it is the long game that is most important. Lots of patience and you are going to get there. You are such a strong person. You can do this. @integrityblues
Thanks. It’s all just been so hard.
Hoping that today was a bit better. Any particularly okay moments? Remembering those helps too. Today mine was going to the library to pick up a new novel.@integrityblues
Today was okay. I was very busy with a dr appointment- was prescribed a few things that aren’t covered by my insurance. But I gave some blood and urine for a lipid panel, Vitamin D check, and to see if I have a UTI or not.
my neighbor gave me a hand and dragged in the trash cans for me while I was stuck there.
Spoke with my mom and she’s basically refusing to do anything about my sister. She’s just going to not call the police or file a restraining order and leave it for anyone else to handle because she feels guilty.
Im so tired of her putting me on high alert then changing her mind.
the okay moment was finding out my lipid panel was very good for once.
You actually had two good things in there - one the neighbor helping you with the trash cans and the other being the lipid panel. I am glad that your health is doing okay in that way.
I can understand your exhaustion with your mom. I think that she just wants you as a sounding board so that she can complain, but she struggles with actually doing anything because it causes conflict or pain which she avoids at all costs. That puts you in a really tough position. You have to try to create a way of letting it bounce off of you as much as possible. Maybe being in contact just a little less or choosing the format (if texts make you less anxious than calls for instance) to limit the damage might help.
But I am sending lots of strength and peace. My moment today was watching a great big rain storm outside. It really came down and it was peaceful listening to it fall from the eaves onto the landing in the back of the house.
Yes, I’m going to step back and mostly do texts until we have our two week call.
I got a message from the dr I saw yesterday: I have an infection and my Vitamin D was lower than expected so I’ll get antibiotics and a new Vitamin D prescription. Hopefully they’ll be covered by my insurance since a couple of the ones sent yesterday aren’t.
Your rain storm sounds nice.
I bet that infection is also making you feel less able to handle things. I am glad that you are getting some antibiotics.
You are also handling your mom in a better way than you were before by limiting things a bit more to texts. That will help keep you out of the drama a bit.
Any good points for you today? Mine was making some honey oatmeal cookies for my husband's birthday that didn't stick to the pan. Oatmeal cookies are always dicey in that regard and I never cook the same recipe twice so I don't know how they will turn out.
Hi. It was a long night and I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning. I laid around for a bit then stepped outside while it was still cool outside to do the sweeping. I was worn out after and took a break but as soon as I was rested enough I got a great deal of my laundry together so I could drag it to the laundromat. I got home but spent forever folding things up, putting them away, and remaking my bed before I took a long shower.
I’ve gotten nothing done for job development but did make sure to text with my aunt about maybe going shopping when she’s free in the next few weeks. So I’ve gotten lots of basic tasks, chores, and home affairs that I’ve been putting aside. I feel that my developer might be sympathetic.
oatmeal cookies are always good, I hope they come out nice for the birthday.
I guess another good thing for today is that the book I’ve had on hold for months finally came in. That and my best friend reached out and we’re going to have a nice talk tomorrow when my meeting is done.
What a nice message! You really accomplished a great deal with all of those different chores. You should be quite proud of yourself. You can do the job development stuff tomorrow.
I am glad that you were able to get your book and that you will get to talk to your best friend. What book were you waiting for? I am currently reading a novel called "Mother, Daughter, Traitor, Spy". It is an interesting tale based on the real-life story of a mom and daughter who go undercover to discover Nazi plots in Los Angeles at the beginning of WW2. @integrityblues
thanks. I was able to get my Target order, hit my local pharmacy on the way back for medicines (I got my antibiotic and a few others and was assured that my other medications weren’t going to be as expensive as my app suggested because my insurance hadn’t been applied yet), and was on time for my Zoom meeting.
She wasn’t upset about my lack of progress but firmly suggested that I call and make the follow up. We also discussed other leads off of Indeed so I could look at them and apply to the ones I thought might work. She hasn’t sent them yet, but I made sure to send her an email once I finally made the follow up call. The person was very nice, took my information, and assured me that the hiring manager would get back to me, it’s just that there were lots of applicants.
I spoke to my best friend between the meeting and the eventual follow up call. We talked about my troubles finding work, how I felt about my aunt calling me autistic and why it’s hard for me to trust them and rely on them for help, and the stuff with my mom.
I’m so tired but since my aunt tried calling during my call with my friend and hung up after I took too long switching between calls I said I’d talk with her later on.
Another really great day for you. You followed through on multiple things - awesome! I was especially impressed with the job hunt things. I am actually glad that you didn't talk to your aunt. Taking a short break from her negativity was a good thing.
You are headed in a good direction. Maybe the mouse dream was your way of attacking some of those issues that have been bothering you (with a bit of outside help).
Did you have any real connected moments today? Mine was probably seeing a colleague that I hadn't seen in half a year. It was nice to chat. @integrityblues
I tried my best, it’s all I can do so I’m trying to not put as much pressure on myself.
I eventually did speak to my aunt later that night. She called me back when I was listening to an audiobook and dozing off. Our conversation was basic, we spoke about the shopping trip I’d asked for and I agreed to send her a shopping list by this morning.
I did that today. I’ve been so off that I did ten minutes of dishes, a meditation exercise from an app my dr suggested, and finished one audiobook to start another.