Many times it gets rather scary

When you are very much aware of what these depressing and negative thoughts are doing to you and yet you're feeling powerless to stop them.

I've recently been doing some self reflecting again and realising that there's nothing that I like about myself. I can definitely pick out tons of flaws and things I don't like about myself, but not a single point that I like. If there's a person that I hate the most in this world, that would be me.

I understand that this is a pretty self deprecating thought, but it's there and difficult to get rid of.

Nowadays I'm no longer sure if I can find the motivation to get by everyday life anymore (no I don't think I'm suicidal, I'm more terrified of death than anything). Most days off I just find myself lying in bed watching videos, randomly browsing the internet and not attempting to do what I had planned in my mind.

I couldn't even find the motivation to continue with my hobby nowadays which is drawing. Ironically I don't take my own advice at all despite advising others and telling them what essentially I should follow as well.

I'm no longer sure at this point if it's just plain procrastination or something deeper that's the cause.

Thanks for listening.