Lost Girl
I've been feeling very lost lately. Although I've always felt lost I feel like I'm really thinking more about it now than I have before.
I've never really understood who I am as a person. It's like there are two sides of me and I'm either one or the other on certain days. Sometimes I feel very confident and good about myself and have the courage to be very active and open with people. Other times I feel very shy and reserved and would prefer just to fade into the background.
I want to be noticed but I want to be invisible.
It's hard to know how other people see me because I'm not just one type of person, I change depending on what kind of day I'm having. It's very difficult to not be able to understand myself and what I want.
Another reason why I feel lost is because I don't feel like I have a home. There isn't a place on this earth that I consider my home. Everything is just a place and I can't seem to find my place to fit in within these spaces. Will I ever feel like I'm where I should be?
I'm not really sure how to go about dealing with these thoughts. I have no understanding of them what-so-ever.
I know what you mean
@discreetAcres6234, it can be really confusing when you cannot comprehend your own reactions. You feel lost and uncertain, not recognizing the traits, behaviours, responses you show and give, not recognizing yourself in the mirror. Life can so often shatter us and hide the pieces needed to glue into the previous human form.
That's okay, though. You don't have to be anything. You don't have to be defined. I don't feel certain of myself either. I'm changing with every passing day, with ever minute and it can be frustrating or scary, as often life is. G.B. Shaw once said that: "Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." Depression and other maladies can strip us naked and leave us with nothing, but you can invent yourself again. Think about what person would you like to be? What would you do with your time? How would you like to distinguish yourself? You don't have to be defined by anything else than your own heart and mind.
Having no home is a lonely experience. I know that you are studying and leaving away from your family house and it all can feel temporary and insignificant. It doesn't mean that you won't have your own home in your future. One day you will have your own place, just as you like it, but for now you have to endure. This time will come, lovely.
For the present moment, just sit with me under the blanket, sip the virtual hot chocolate and let us dream. This can be nice, too.
Sending you all my love!
@Celaeno I'm not sure I've ever known who I am as a person. There is nothing about me that I'm certain of, it's all just a mess of uncertainty. I wish I could just observe myself for a week from a different person's body to find out who I really am.
I can't seem to find myself or create myself. I wish I knew what I wanted and who I want to be but I have no idea. Nothing seems to feel right, there is no real comfort and security in who I am. There is nothing definite. It's just frustrating to feel like I'm lacking my personality. It's as if I was born empty and there is nothing that has changed that, I'm just a blank canvas with no paint.
It is lonely. It has always felt lonely. There has never been a warm sense of home within me. No feeling of "yes, this is perfect. This is comfort and all mine" But I'll keep enduring this until I figure out where I fit in in the world. I have no idea what will create this feeling of belonging and home but I hope to find it.
I will be more than happy to sit under a blanket with you and drink virtual hot chocolate. Dreaming is good too.
Thank you for the love :) sending love right back!
@discreetAcres6234, I hope you feel a bit better this week. Sorry for not answering for so long, had a hectic week. In recent news, found this comic on the interweb and it resonates with me on some strange level. And I thought to myself that you will like it, too. I'm not sure, but here it goes:
I don't think anyone can find an easy answers for any identity crisis - you just have to live with this weight and search for the place to put it down. Maybe it's enough, I don't know. Still, we also don't know what lies ahead of us. We can just hope for the best and support each other throughout this quest.
Sending you my best and biggest hugs, reserved for the special humans ^^
@Celaeno That was lovely, I liked it very much. I can definitely relate to it a lot.
Days and hours do blur into one another, it's hard to understand where one day ends an another begins. And other times it feels as if there are blank spaces of time, like time has passed but there was nothing there to fill in the spaces, it was just passing. I feel like the past few days have been like that for me. I don't feel as if I filled my time doing anything, it passed me by with nothing filling the void. It was a bad few days. Today isn't much better either but I'm trying to handle it. There is no fix for the way I'm feeling but hopefully it will pass soon. I'm not even sure there is a way to heal anymore. It's highly possible that I will be stuck with these emotions for the rest of my life and have to learn how to handle them and numb the intensity of the bad feelings. It's hard to come to terms with the idea that I'll always have 'depressive episodes' (that's what my counsellor called them). It's also hard to think about getting better because, in a way, i'm not really sure I want to. I feel like depression has always been my way of life and I wouldn't know how to live any other way.
I continue to try and get to know myself. It doesn't feel like I've learned anything but I'm still trying to. Maybe it's a process, but maybe it's just something that we never truly understand. It could be that I'm a bit naive in thinking that there will come a time when everything will just be laid down in front of me and I will have complete clarity, who knows. For now I just keep my eyes and mind open and keep going. Maybe that is enough. It doesn't feel like it but maybe that's all I'm given to work with, for now at least.
Your kindness and endless support really does mean so much. I'm very glad to have met you here.
I hope you are doing well <3 Lots of big hugs and cuddles for you :)
