Life expectancy
I found a life expectancy calculator online today. The average life expectancy for a Male in the United States is about 80 years old. I am 40 and 40 more years seems like an eternity. But using this calculator which includes weight, activity level, and such I have found out that my life expectancy is only 66. That is really good news. That means that I probably only have to wait another 26 years. My daughter is ten now and by the time she is 36 she should definitely be able to care for herself. If I started smoking again I could lower it a few more years I think but my daughter gets really upset when I smoke and I might not be there if she needs me. I really hate being alive but fortunately life doesn't last forever...
I have wanted out since I was 10. So I have waited 30 years so far. That means that I am over halfway there. Waiting to "be extinguished" is difficult and painful but there are certainly some positives to it. For one thing you don't have to feel guilty about it. I'm not doing anything wrong. I can actually feel proud that I made it this long. For another if the people who care about me don't know that I am waiting, it doesn't hurt anyone. And finally people can't really stop you from doing it. We are all going to "go away" someday and no one can stop that. No one can say "Don't do it, you have so much to live for." Or "Life gets better, hold on." All the little inspirational cliches that people use to pretend to care about people with depression mean nothing if you are waiting to "be extinguished." They really just say those things to make them feel better about themselves. They are So compassionate. How noble. And yet how do you respond to someone who says that they are waiting to "be extinguished." You could say "Life is good!" "Enjoy your life!" But no one can really force someone to enjoy life and if they could I wouldn't have to wait to "be extinguished" in the first place. Anyway it is nice to write this down. It is often in my head and getting it out feels good.
I'm sorry. I shouldn't have posted that. I am just really sad and angry today.
@egret35 Hey :) its ok to post things like this - like you said it feels good to get it out and its something alot of people probably think about too - I mean - I know I do. I'm just putting in my time ya know? Hoi g through the motions until it's over. I'm sorry you're feeling this way though but I do understand how hard each day can be and its ok to think and feel these things. Think of this as a safe place for you to write the things you can't say outloud to anyway. There will be those that stop by to offer support here and I'm sorry to say they might bring those cute cliches with them but thats ok too - yeah? Youre not required or obliged to reply in anyway - even to this if you don't want to :) but letting it out is better than holding it in
@mytwistedsoul ugh - typos
Thank you. It helped to hear that. If people are trying to help that is wonderful. No matter what it is they say. Sometimes you just don't know what to say. It is intentions that matter. And you can't know someone else's intentions. But that is logical. When I am so emotional it is difficult to be logical. I am a Schizophrenic along with having bipolar so I get paranoid. When one person hurts me my mind says that everyone is out to get me. It is something that I have to challenge. I seem to go from naive basic trust of everyone to cynical mistrust of everyone. I don't seem to have a medium setting. I guess that is the definition of Bipolar. 🤷♂️ Anyway thank you for your supportive words. I hope you are doing well.
