Juggling work and depression
Hi guys, I've been struggling with depression and anxiety for a long time, but recently in the last 6 months or so it's become really bad. See I started a new job 18 months ago. The manager I was working under wasn't the nicest person and joked that I was too nice and they would break me. 6 months into the job they were fired and I was left to make so with little to no training. I managed to pull it together and management were happy with me. I then tried to integrate into a new team. It was difficult as my skill level was low (legal work requires a lot of process that I had not been taught) and staff didn't have the time to teach me. I was given a very high workload with very little support. I did what I could but certainly wasn't able to meet my budget requirements as most of my work was administration. I was ready to quit by the end of the year but a very supportive and understanding colleague talked me out of it, stating that it would be like a new job as my direct manager would be back full time. I agreed to give it a shot. The issue is, he's a very intense person and part of my role (implied) is to keep him from blowing up at other employees. Recently I haven't been able to deal with his issues and mine at the same time. I have asked for help and spoken to HR but being a small business there is little room for lateral movement. It doesn't help that HR has their own issues and was an outright horror to me when I tried to speak to them. It feels like the rest of the office are able to hide behind the "I can't handle confrontation" "I'm too busy" and "not my problem" excuses but I'm expected to suck it up. Asking for help seems to get me no where, I keep screwing up because I don't know what to do but no one seems to want to assist. And when I ask if there's something I can improve on they tell me "don't stress" "you worry too much" and "don't take it personally", yet at my recent review they've revealed that everyone hates me and I'm essentially a drain on the team. I've worked my butt off supporting these people and trying to meet their expectations bt can't seem to win. I want to fix it but I don't know how and it's really making it hard to cope with my other issues.
I can see you have a lot going on in your life. It's normal you'll react that way, with so much workload. It's good you reach out for us.
Would it be possible for you to talk to someone outside your office, but with similar work experience- maybe someone from your family? Or write a letter to HR, once again stating your issues, including any details of what you've done to sort out the problem already, with a clear expectation that you are willing to solve it, but that you feel it's beyond your power. Here are can found some tips. Having it on paper/saved on a computer will give you a physical proof in case of later discussions.
But I think the most important thing is to take care of yourself. You are aware of your struggles with anxiety and depression, which is a good thing, 'cause you know that you are especially sensitive to any kind of stress. Be vigilant of your mood and your daily routine - focus on your sleep, diet, exercises, and relations with closed ones. Treat it with the highest priority in life. In a grand scheme your mental health is more important than your work. Whatever helped you in the past and is not illegal/dangerous/unhealthy, try it again - you know you the best, so take advantage of that knowledge. Now is the time to be kinder towards yourself.
I don't know if any of the above will help you. I just want you to know that we are here for you, no matter what. Take care <3
Thank you for your kind words and understanding. I ended up taking matters into my own hands and resigning today.
I realised that it was getting to the point where I could no longer reconcile the amount of effort it took to complete basic tasks with my desire to perform well in my role.
Fingers crossed that a bit of time away and a clean start is enough to get started again.
