Job hunting depression

Hi, Blanc again. I seem to only post on 7cups when I truly hit my lowest lows.

I've just recently graduated college and my mental health has never not been a struggle. Since I moved away, I had to give up therapy and unfortunately do not have the finances to pick it up again. I'm sure everyone is familiar with the feeling "I wish the world would stop for a minute so I can catch a break" and that's basically what applies here. I had a therapist when I was in my darkest pit. She helped me out of it, but you know, as you grow older some problems go away, new ones rise etc. While I don't have some of the issues with my mental health I used to, the residue of others remains, stuff I still need help for.

And it's a lot harder to focus on healing those problems both without therapy and as an adult.

I've been applying for jobs in my industry with little luck. As someone with imposter syndrome, its easy to doubt your skill and believe someone is just being nice when they will you you do have talent. I don't know why but the rejections and applying really got to me today, I have been crying on and off for hours about it. Feeling talentless, like a failure, feeling unskilled.

It doesn't help that I feel 'too mentally ill' (if that's even possible) to even have a job. My schooling was extremely juggernaut and anti-mental health, they hammered into us that having depression was simply not an option in the workplace, and that we could be fired if we let it get to be too much. I've been kind of scared ever since. I don't think I'm emotionally stable for a job yet, but I need the money so I can have actual therapy again. I can't ask my parents for help because in my traumatic experiences, it only leads to more problems.

Sorry, thank you for reading this. I dunno I just want to feel like a person. I want to feel like my feelings actually matter and not always be told 'people have had it worse'. I want to be able to just get hired somewhere in my industry and feel like I have talent even if I don't. I want to be able to support myself and afford therapy again.

It's too much.