I stopped living.
Please don't read if you can get easily triggered.
I was in an internship, and the same month I finished it is the same month Covid hit my country, I couldn't find work for a long time but I kept looking. Then I found a freelancing project, and I was very happy about it, but the moment I started working on it I realized how mentally unwell I am, I was grabbing myself to work, I loved the project, but everything in my body felt very heavy, and I couldn’t focus, and it took me a long time to finish easy stuff. After I finished the project they offered me another task but I refused and decided to take a long time off without work and stop thinking about it for a while. After one full month, nothing changed, I still felt burned out and even normal daily task was very hard for me to do. All I wanted to do is stay in bed.
Then I accepted another project because I needed the money, it was supposed to be a 6-month project, but after one month of working, I quit the project due to not being able to start and work on anything. The tiredness was real.
This is when I hit my lowest. It was October 2020. This is when I quit the last project.
I decided to see what’s wrong with me, I did every physical test needed and the doctors told me I was ok, some even mocked me for doing tests because to them I look perfectly fine and tiredness is pretty “normal”. Not being able to shower or even starve myself because I can’t get up and do my food is “normal”, they told me “I am just tired and I am anxious and need a week off and be better”.
I was grateful that I am physically fit and good and okay and that I am being mocked at, but with every “you are completely fine” response every piece of me broke down, and I asked myself what’s wrong with me. I was grateful for being ok but why I don't feel ok.
I knew exactly what’s wrong with me but I was too scared to admit it, finally, I decided to see a therapist since I suspected having depression for years and I know I was getting worse every year.
The psychiatrist is a friend of my dad’s friend and he wanted to offer his help by a consultation. His first diagnose was severe depression and told me I needed to take medication immediately, he even gave me a prescription, but I couldn’t do it, and my family and friends made my fears about them even larger by how “unwell” the medication will do to me. I was very unwell and fragile back then so this is why I took their advice but still I the one to blame for not making the right decision not them, but I was shocked by the diagnosis and I was completely frozen back then, what I suspected was turned to be right, but that did not make it hearing it any easier. It was traumatic to know to be honest.
I stopped fighting since that day. Since October 2020.
I couldn’t work ever again, I tried to train myself by taking courses but I break down every time I write a line of code, I am a programmer, I tried to look for anything not related to my field but I broke down even more, and I don’t have any money left to start therapy. The country I live in has one low-cost option but no one goes there because the moment you open a file work companies will use it against you, there is no privacy, and the treatment is not good at all, many people suffered more. And any other option for treating everything is way too expensive for me. I can’t even afford one session due to the heavy cost.
My family, whom I live with, can’t do much either. They can only afford themself. Can't blame them at all. And I am grateful that they give me food and a house. But their blaming is too much to handle. And they just avoid me like a plague. And blame me for everything and that “everyone” feels that way “depressed” including them. They told me I am just spoiled and love doing nothing and staying like this. And the only reason I don't work is that I know I have an option, staying with them, but if I did not have this option I would have worked, but that is not true. I completely know that I would end up homeless, or dead. But they did not believe this too.
I started working out, did meditation, tried my best to go out more and see my friends, eat healthy (try my best), sleep well, communicate, read psychology books, write my feelings, stayed under the sun, I tried everything I can with pushing myself with energy I don’t have, I tried my best, everything that suppose to help I did it, and it did help in many things, but I still break every time I look for work. I know what I do is not enough, I should try more, but I swear to god I did my best, and I did everything that was supposed to make me feel better but I am just getting worse every second. Nothing help and I stopped doing many things because I don’t have any energy and they don’t help me much.
The worst part is I need to work to start therapy and I need therapy to get back to work. I am at a loop I can’t break.
I don’t have anyone to help me but myself. Everyone I asked for help from ended up making me worse and shifted the blame to me and focused on their troubles.
Now it is 2022 I stayed at home for one year and three months. Nothing changed. And I lost hope. I lost hope and I am afraid for myself from myself.
So I just wanted to post this here. Told myself maybe there is a way out I can not see. Maybe I am failing to see something I should try.
It is just a rant about myself since I did not speak much about this even to myself because I don’t like to complain. Others have it way worse and they keep fighting. To me, I just gave up life for apparently having a trauma I don’t even remember. I feel weak for stopping my life like that. I did not even stop it, my body forced me and keep forcing me to stop it.
It is like me against myself. It is like I am both the antidote and the poison.
Anyway, thank you for your time. I appreciate it a lot. I just feel extra worse today and I wanted to let it out.
Reading this makes me feel sad, because it must be so hard for you and you can’t do much about it. I hope I could help you feel better. Because you don’t deserve to feel this miserable and empty. This life is beautiful, but currently you can’t see that and I feel bad for you 😢
And I’m sorry you’re surrounded with people who don’t understand your condition. Some people don’t believe things that they can’t see, and it’s not your fault.
Honestly I don’t know how I should respond to those with depression. I hope you found the safe space for you to let out what you think. I hope you found those who could understand you and support you in your darkest time.I hope you found the thing that could spark joy in you. I hope you’ll be happy someday. Sending love and hugs ❤️
You did help, you did help a lot by writing this to me. Every kind word helps, I did not post or talk because I don’t want to trigger anyone and I don’t want people to absorb anything. But this time I just couldn’t hold it.
So it means a lot to me that you took from your precious time to read this, and also commented. You helped a lot.
Thank you, sending love and hugs back 🙏🏽💛
@Selcouth96 I'm a web developer. I think we are in the same situation, but on top of that, I experience some crippling social anxiety, the main mischief in my life that brought me to shambles, that obstructed my way forward, impeding all the central functions that should render my life meaningful, -- and thus the depression that crept in, but the gloomy cloud has been brought about, as it follows, from those problems ( the casuistry of anxiety ) that I ought to look to straighten. I've been working as a freelancer. It's extraordinarily difficult to get back to it and I lost so many opportunities...The best method to get back on track was to get some courses which made it easier to get momentum, but to no avail, because eventually I was always bound to meet the same dead-end ( social anxiety ), forcing me again into relapsing...Perhaps working alone is not the answer for me...Now I'm looking to get a part-time ( any ) job and pursue my vocation concomitantly ( to prepare myself because I'm out of practice; polish my cv ), and then try to get a job in my field of work. Lots of problems...
I swear it is like you speak my mind!
I lost many opportunities too, refusing them made my condition worse, and you already know our field requires a lot of practicing, and I am afraid this long gap may cause a problem in the future.
Courses didn’t help much in my case too because I already know what I am studying, I developed many apps and websites, and I break down when I learn something I didn’t know before or I forget about things I used to know because I stopped coding for a while, which is normal to forget and relearn, but since I struggle, everything triggers me, and I can have a complete break down over the smallest things that it affects lasts for days.
I don’t know if I can work currently, looking for jobs and updating my cv itself lead to a breakdown haha, but I am still trying and looking and just like you I am looking for part-time jobs too, in my field and other different fields, since I think my field is part of the issue. Glad I am not alone in this too. You said something that made me reflect on my problem “perhaps working alone isn’t the answer for me” .. yeah, I never thought about this till now, maybe this is why I break down with any minor incident.
Thank you for sharing your story and for your time. It means a lot to me and I appreciate it a lot. I hope it gets better for you very soon, nothing is consistent, and this is what made me keep going all this long, last year I was never able to get out of bed, a year later, which is now, I can get out of bed, wash my face and teeth, make breakfast, and try to find an antidote for my dilemma. You will move from this phase 💛🙏🏽
@Selcouth96 I wish I could send you some reassurance because what you did and what you still do is very brave.
As with all other illnesses depression needs treatment.
Can you go back to the same psychiatrist or use the prescription he gave? It takes a while for medication to work and to find right one but it seems you have tried everything else you could on your own so now you made need some outside help.
It's a shame and very unprofessional the way other dictirs treated you. But seems some doctors still have no training in mental health despite all the awareness around. I would return with psychiatrist diagnosis and ask them for advice and what services are available.
Can you check if in your country there are some voluntary organisations who provide help for mental health? Maybe they provide a support group or something like Emotions Anonymous or even mindfulness courses.
In the meantime here you have many supporters and you can use the 1to1 chat with a listener.
In my country I sometimes also use the crisis chat if I feel very bad.
I feel your pain but admire you greatly for all the things you tried. My family does not understand depression either and mostly I've been on this journey on my own but thankfully had support of therapists. I hope you can find a way to get therapy. It is your right
You don't know how much better this made me feel, honestly, thank you very veryyy much.
The doctor I spoke with, the friend, work in that one place that I wrote about above, the only low cost place. He was so sweet and he came to our house that how much he is kind because back then I wasn’t able to leave the house. He told me to start the sessions at the hospital, but people avoid the place due to many privacy leaks, and many many problems that can lead to harm in case I worked. It also treats you more of a number than a case. That’s why a lot do not get better. That’s why I am so afraid of trying it out.
Unfortunately, the country I live in is still way behind and the stigma is huge. This is why it causes a lot of money to be treated because professionals are not that many.
The worst part is life itself with all of my struggles hasn’t made it any easier for me and is throwing problems from everywhere. But I still have hope though, because I am thinking of going to that one place here, my health is much more important than caring about what will happen in the future. But after many let downs, I am full of fear, easily triggered, and very scared, so I am preparing myself mentally in case the place didn’t help me. I was disappointed way too many times so this is why risking it now must be done very carefully.
And I am also looking for places that can offer lower prices there are none but I am still looking. Perhaps there is. And unfortunately, no hotlines, no groups, no chat.
This is why I am planning the moment I get better to create a safe place for anyone who feels like me. I don't want anyone to feel like this and I am sure many feels like me and many suffer.
Thank you so much for your recommendations, and your time, it truly means a lot to me, I appreciate every word. Fighting, alone or not, is never easy, and you are brave too for fighting, and I wish you all the best 🙏🏽💛
@Selcouth96 oh wow you're amazing. To be in such pain and be thinking of setting up a system to help other people... Wow! You definitely have a lot of life in you, and a lot to offer, remember that.
You are brave to try out the help offered - I think it's always good to try as sometimes places have a reputation which is not true.
I hope you find some caring help. This doctor sounds nice.
I was just looking up Emotions Anonymous as they seem to have international online support groups but still checking how it works. It's not therapy. But I think it offers space to talk regularly following a structured programme if I understand correctly. Maybe worth checking it out?
Keep in touch and may you find the kind support you deserve
Again thank you for your time and your help. It means a lot to me you are awesome! 💛
I will check Emotions Anonymous right away, thank you for looking and mentioning it, it look like something I exactly need 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
