...See more
Please don't read if you can get easily triggered.
I was in an internship, and the same month I finished it is the same month Covid hit my country, I couldn't find work for a long time but I kept looking. Then I found a freelancing project, and I was very happy about it, but the moment I started working on it I realized how mentally unwell I am, I was grabbing myself to work, I loved the project, but everything in my body felt very heavy, and I couldn’t focus, and it took me a long time to finish easy stuff. After I finished the project they offered me another task but I refused and decided to take a long time off without work and stop thinking about it for a while. After one full month, nothing changed, I still felt burned out and even normal daily task was very hard for me to do. All I wanted to do is stay in bed.
Then I accepted another project because I needed the money, it was supposed to be a 6-month project, but after one month of working, I quit the project due to not being able to start and work on anything. The tiredness was real.
This is when I hit my lowest. It was October 2020. This is when I quit the last project.
I decided to see what’s wrong with me, I did every physical test needed and the doctors told me I was ok, some even mocked me for doing tests because to them I look perfectly fine and tiredness is pretty “normal”. Not being able to shower or even starve myself because I can’t get up and do my food is “normal”, they told me “I am just tired and I am anxious and need a week off and be better”.
I was grateful that I am physically fit and good and okay and that I am being mocked at, but with every “you are completely fine” response every piece of me broke down, and I asked myself what’s wrong with me. I was grateful for being ok but why I don't feel ok.
I knew exactly what’s wrong with me but I was too scared to admit it, finally, I decided to see a therapist since I suspected having depression for years and I know I was getting worse every year.
The psychiatrist is a friend of my dad’s friend and he wanted to offer his help by a consultation. His first diagnose was severe depression and told me I needed to take medication immediately, he even gave me a prescription, but I couldn’t do it, and my family and friends made my fears about them even larger by how “unwell” the medication will do to me. I was very unwell and fragile back then so this is why I took their advice but still I the one to blame for not making the right decision not them, but I was shocked by the diagnosis and I was completely frozen back then, what I suspected was turned to be right, but that did not make it hearing it any easier. It was traumatic to know to be honest.
I stopped fighting since that day. Since October 2020.
I couldn’t work ever again, I tried to train myself by taking courses but I break down every time I write a line of code, I am a programmer, I tried to look for anything not related to my field but I broke down even more, and I don’t have any money left to start therapy. The country I live in has one low-cost option but no one goes there because the moment you open a file work companies will use it against you, there is no privacy, and the treatment is not good at all, many people suffered more. And any other option for treating everything is way too expensive for me. I can’t even afford one session due to the heavy cost.
My family, whom I live with, can’t do much either. They can only afford themself. Can't blame them at all. And I am grateful that they give me food and a house. But their blaming is too much to handle. And they just avoid me like a plague. And blame me for everything and that “everyone” feels that way “depressed” including them. They told me I am just spoiled and love doing nothing and staying like this. And the only reason I don't work is that I know I have an option, staying with them, but if I did not have this option I would have worked, but that is not true. I completely know that I would end up homeless, or dead. But they did not believe this too.
I started working out, did meditation, tried my best to go out more and see my friends, eat healthy (try my best), sleep well, communicate, read psychology books, write my feelings, stayed under the sun, I tried everything I can with pushing myself with energy I don’t have, I tried my best, everything that suppose to help I did it, and it did help in many things, but I still break every time I look for work. I know what I do is not enough, I should try more, but I swear to god I did my best, and I did everything that was supposed to make me feel better but I am just getting worse every second. Nothing help and I stopped doing many things because I don’t have any energy and they don’t help me much.
The worst part is I need to work to start therapy and I need therapy to get back to work. I am at a loop I can’t break.
I don’t have anyone to help me but myself. Everyone I asked for help from ended up making me worse and shifted the blame to me and focused on their troubles.
Now it is 2022 I stayed at home for one year and three months. Nothing changed. And I lost hope. I lost hope and I am afraid for myself from myself.
So I just wanted to post this here. Told myself maybe there is a way out I can not see. Maybe I am failing to see something I should try.
It is just a rant about myself since I did not speak much about this even to myself because I don’t like to complain. Others have it way worse and they keep fighting. To me, I just gave up life for apparently having a trauma I don’t even remember. I feel weak for stopping my life like that. I did not even stop it, my body forced me and keep forcing me to stop it.
It is like me against myself. It is like I am both the antidote and the poison.
Anyway, thank you for your time. I appreciate it a lot. I just feel extra worse today and I wanted to let it out.
