I *really* don't want this
Earlier this week, I finally sent my resume to a recruiter at a staffing agency. (I have been unemployed for well over a year.) I didn't want to send it because I knew when the recruiter saw it, she would see what I'm qualified for on paper and that's what sort of job she'll seek out for me. And I don't want it. I haven't a clue what I want.
She called today and we talked about what I'm looking for, which I already touched on in my first communication with her. But what I focused on in that message was the schedule, the commute and the salary. Not really the job itself. Because I just don't know what I want. I know I don't want another soul-sucking corporate job. But I couldn't very well say that. Besides, that's all there is for me.
I thought I was doing better with my depression and anxiety over the past week, but "better" is gone. It's totally gone. I knew this would happen. Whenever I start to feel good, it doesn't last. And I struggle to enjoy the good days because I know they'll be gone soon. I'm always worrying about what's coming next so even my good days can't be all good. I guess it doesn't matter because now the days are bad and the good-ish days aren't coming back. I opened the door to this horrific job search and I can't close it.
I have been sobbing ever since I got off the phone with her. I'm getting older and I feel like this next job will be it for me. I'll be there... stuck there... until I retire or die. Probably die because I will never have enough money saved to retire. I am going to be completely miserable for the next 25-35+ years. Will I even make it that long being so miserable? I know when I get into that situation, I should just keep looking for a better job, but I have no idea what that would be. And I know me. I know I will just slip into another nightmare routine that will suck the life out of me and I won't have the energy or the motivation to get out of it. So I will stay. And hate it. And be miserable. Forever.