I *really* don't want this
Earlier this week, I finally sent my resume to a recruiter at a staffing agency. (I have been unemployed for well over a year.) I didn't want to send it because I knew when the recruiter saw it, she would see what I'm qualified for on paper and that's what sort of job she'll seek out for me. And I don't want it. I haven't a clue what I want.
She called today and we talked about what I'm looking for, which I already touched on in my first communication with her. But what I focused on in that message was the schedule, the commute and the salary. Not really the job itself. Because I just don't know what I want. I know I don't want another soul-sucking corporate job. But I couldn't very well say that. Besides, that's all there is for me.
I thought I was doing better with my depression and anxiety over the past week, but "better" is gone. It's totally gone. I knew this would happen. Whenever I start to feel good, it doesn't last. And I struggle to enjoy the good days because I know they'll be gone soon. I'm always worrying about what's coming next so even my good days can't be all good. I guess it doesn't matter because now the days are bad and the good-ish days aren't coming back. I opened the door to this horrific job search and I can't close it.
I have been sobbing ever since I got off the phone with her. I'm getting older and I feel like this next job will be it for me. I'll be there... stuck there... until I retire or die. Probably die because I will never have enough money saved to retire. I am going to be completely miserable for the next 25-35+ years. Will I even make it that long being so miserable? I know when I get into that situation, I should just keep looking for a better job, but I have no idea what that would be. And I know me. I know I will just slip into another nightmare routine that will suck the life out of me and I won't have the energy or the motivation to get out of it. So I will stay. And hate it. And be miserable. Forever.
I'm so sorry this is hasn't been an easy experience for you. I don't know your work background but you mentioned having corporate experience. Maybe you could ask her to look into small businesses/start-ups or non profits for work. Small businesses usually offer more freedom and responsibility to their employees. Nonprofits maybe would be less soul-sucking since they're geared towards a greater good so to speak. Both would open opportunities to move into different companies or positions.
I felt very lost in my career. I'm currently trying to change my career path. It's scary at times. I just tell myself that nothing lasts forever. I used to have that same fear that I'd get stuck in some dead end job for the rest of my life and that my life would be colorless and boring and meaningless. I don't really have any words of wisdom. When I made the decision to switch career paths, I felt a lot of peace because I knew I wasn't being fulfilled by what I was doing which is very important to me. I sincerely hope that the recruiter can help find you a position that makes you feel excited and not like you're selling your soul.
Thank you for responding. Im feeling so terrible about this today and wasnt sure who to talk to.
Its too close to home to discuss with my husband. He knows how I feel, but he is also concerned about our financial situation if I dont go back to work in the relatively near future so he's not especially objective. We never really planned for me to be unemployed for this long. But it was wonderful being with my children and spending more time writing and reading – the things I really love.
Good for you making such a positive change – it had to take strength and courage to do that. I dont think I could do it even if a had a clue what I wanted! Maybe it would be different – easier – if I did know, but I dont. And Im not sure we could financially afford me starting over anyway. I love writing and reading, but what kind of job is related? I dont know. And without any related education or experience, no one would hire me anyway.
I do think youre right – it might be less awful at a smaller company or a non-profit. The last company I worked for was huge and it was bought out/merged with another huge company to make a giant soul-sucking monster. I was dying to get out of there. But I didnt know Id never want to work again. I thought I was going to take 3-5 months off (save summer camp money) and then start looking. But I kept putting it off and now that I cant put it off any longer, Ive been out for so long that going back seems depressing and scary and impossible.
Hello, I am on a two month break between jobs. I am lucky I do have a job to go to, but it has given me insight into what being unemployed means. My sleep pattern is f***ed and there is lots of time for negative self talk and loss of confidence. It makes me sympathise with how you may be feeling, although of course, I can't see the extent of your fear and anxiety.
Aside from your fears about working, pensions (iI am 42 and don't have one either) and financial struggle, what really came across in your post was the language of depression. It seems the contact with the job centre/recruiter is triggering your depression further.
Medicine can help in situations like these, but in my experience, it needs combining with therapy. I will post you some links to online CBT courses from the NHS.
Perhaps you could benefit from some tools to change the type of messages you give yourself in your internal dialogue that happen directly after speaking to people like recruiters - to manage your triggers, if you like. CBT is great for that.
The better you feel, the more chance you have of finding the job that is right for you.
Don't worry about time out of work, as a woman you can explain it away as "a career break to become a full time mum/housewife" these are perfectly legitimate reasons for not working. It is harder for men who have breaks in their CV.
There are lots of jobs that could suit you, that may involve supporting people. Perhaps even volunteering at a food bank/ OAP centre or hospital could make you reassess your skills and realise you have something to offer. Things like that give people back their confidence.
Forget the pension for now. You don't have to multitask your problems! One problem at a time, baby steps, you will get there. Deep breath! You can do this.
http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/online-mental-health-services/Pages/introduction.aspx
My sleep pattern is a mess, too. Lately, I am awake until 3 or 4am and I don't want to get out of bed before 11am. In fact, I usually get up around that time, make coffee, try to eat something, grab a shower, and by the time I've gotten through that, it's nearly time to pick up my kids from school.
I am not good with people in the "real world." I can write and type online to anyone. But I do not do well with people in general, in person or on the phone. I get crazy anxious and constantly feel like I screw up. Even at my old job (I was there for 11 years), I kept to myself as much as possible and I kept the ringer on my phone at a very low volume so no one would notice that I rarely answered calls. Because of this, I can't imagine having any job where I have to deal with people for the majority of my work. My ideal job would be working from home... alone.
The job search and contact with the recruiter definitely triggers my depression. I was doing really well since recently starting an additional medication. I thought it was really helping. Now I wonder if I was just blocking all of the job stuff out. Maybe that's what was helping, and since I can't block it out any longer, I'm a mess again. That makes me think no medication truly helps me. Denial helps. As soon as I have to deal with everything again, I'm back to zero.
I have mixed feelings about therapy of any kind. I've been there - many times. It has never done anything for me (except drain my finances). I have read extensively about how to change the way I think so I'm not this way, and I've tried. But it just does nothing. I can't tell myself positive things. I can't think of things in my life to be happy about. I have tried and it is just impossible for me. For any almost-good thing I think, I've got at least 5 corresponding bad things. I usually feel like I'm beyond any of this kind of help because I just cannot think that way.