Invisible weights
Today I was very sad. I don't know if I am alone here but sadness effects me noticeably physically. It makes it hard to move. I feel like something is dragging me down. It makes me feel tired and weak. I know this won't last forever but it usually only lasts a few days. I have been like this for 2 weeks now. Aside from that I think I may have frightened someone here by trying to offer support. Maybe I am over thinking that but I am so afraid of people myself that I am always afraid I am going to frighten someone by being too friendly. That is one of the reasons that I tend to avoid people. I am going to talk to my therapist tomorrow so hopefully that helps with these issues...
@egret35. I'm so sorry you feel sad and alone. I know that feeling very well. I am trying hard to keep myself from completely losing it. But I have ppl counting on me to be there so I just tough it out. Sounds like your a strong person and you know" this too shall pass" .... I hope this post lifts your spirits just by knowing there's ppl out here suffering along side you...💜ABB
Hi @amiableBlackberry92. I am feeling much better today. Thank you for your post. I have had those "light switch" thoughts since I was 10 years old. Over the years those thoughts grew stronger and stronger and I always resisted them. Then my daughter was born. Flipping the switch is not an option anymore. She needs me and I need to be there for her. My daughter keeps me from being lonely and is one of the few things in life that make me happy. She is going to be with her mom every other week in the summer now and I am not used to being away from her for so long. I worry about her being with her mom because her mom abuses sedatives and doesn't take proper care of our daughter. The court has given me primary care of my daughter during the school year and put safeguards in place to try to ensure my daughter's safety which is great, but the stress of this custody battle has been overwhelming. Then recently I was falsely accused of a crime and it just sent me over the edge. I just want life to get back to normal, but it seems like it just one big mess after another. I try to be a good person and a good father. It feels like I am constantly being s@#* on. I try to do my best each day and keep on going because I know that I have a family that loves me and would be hurt greatly if I left them. It does help to know that I am not alone. Thank you for your support. Joe💚
@egret35.....you sound better today! 😁.... I'm sorry about the custody struggle. Kids grow up so fast like lightening and you want every minute with them outside of work. I totally get it. I feel like the best thing I did with my life was my 2 kids ...they bring me great joy when I can't see it anywhere else. They are grown up now and don't live here anymore but they are close by and I see them regularly. They do keep me going because like you said the s$#@t just keeps pouring down. In life I noticed that doesn't stop it's just that I have to Learn to handle it better. It's real hard for me because of my severe childhood abuse, sexual assault and bullying at the job. I have CPTSD and all that goes with it. I see a therapist & take meds and it helps but I really need to get a handle on my emotions ....I am trying. Keep me posted I'm here alot because I am unable to work as of right now. ( I worked long-term 25+ years at my old job). I like the support I get from 7 cups. It's just like you always have a friend who understands and doesn't judge .. 💜 ABB
@egret35 .... hoping your weekend is a good one. ABB💜
Hi @amiableBlackberry92. I hope you are feeling better today. 😁 I am doing much better. Yesterday I found a beautiful place along a river that I can enjoy all by myself. I am able to do all the things I love there. Hiking, fishing, swimming, reading, identifying dragonflies, taking my dog for a walk. I am going to take my daughter there when she comes home tomorrow. The sadness is still hanging around and I think I know why. I am identifying it embracing it, actually enjoying it 🤷♂️ and learning to live with it again. I thought of this analogy while spending time at my private beach yesterday. It is a bit silly but it makes sense to me. It is like I am a dolphin who wants to be a squirrel. All the dolphin has ever wanted is to climb trees. The dolphin could spend its entire life trying to climb a tree and would only succeed in making itself miserable. Or it could enjoy all the wonderful things about being a dolphin. I have always wanted to find a woman who I could spend my life with and share our ups and downs. To be my partner and to grow old with. I am finding out (again) that that is not a possibility for me. I have a mental disability. I am on a fixed income. I can not work full time and I can not provide a woman with the material things that they want in life. I am overweight and I am not handsome enough to make women overlook my shortcomings. I have high ethical standards because I want to set a good example for my daughter. So why make myself miserable trying to date. Why not enjoy the great things about being a single parent and a single person in general. I don't have to split time between my daughter and my partner. I can go and do whatever I want to when my daughter isn't here. I don't have to make compromises and I can leave the toilet seat up. 😆 There will always be that deep sadness and longing of a life I wish I had. But that is not reality. To deny reality is to suffer. A little bit of Buddist philosophy there. 🙂 I hope you are having a good weekend too. I don't know what group you usually post in. If I knew that I could better support you. Life is full of ups and downs. I hope yours is going up today. Take care, Joe💚
@egret35....Joe your so funny🤣🤣 and I like your analogy and Buddhist reference! Sometimes life surprises you when your not looking someone comes into your life. I'm glad your doing things you love. Sometimes it's good to just be......I'm doing ok still in pain, having a procedure this Tuesday to try to alleviate the pain some. I also am unable to work. I had a job for 25 years but I left because I had 2 traumatic experiences and on top of my childhood abuse it sent me into a severe case CPTSD. I have some financial struggles too. I'm a hobby person so I can keep myself busy, gardening a little , cooking, painting, reading, writing, walking in nature when I can. I post everywhere here...trauma, PTSD, sexual assault, 50+ , depression and anxiety. Oh and bullying had alot of that at the job. Today I'm doing ok enjoying some outdoor time. I'm glad you posted here I like to know your doing well. I'm here if you need an ear - hey I'm a poet lolol ...ABB💜
😆😆 @amiableBlackberry92 you are funny too! It is wonderful that you are a poet and I am glad that you now know it. 😁 I am actually incapable of rhyme. Although I have made the effort from time to time. 🤪 I am glad that you are going to be able to have something done to help you with your pain. That is encouraging to hear. I hope you enjoyed the outdoors today. It was beautiful here today. I hope it was nice where you are as well. I will keep an eye out for your posts. That is awesome that you were at the same job for 25 years. That is something to be very proud of! I am sorry that you were treated with such cruelty at work. I understand bullying too. I think it comes down to: Some people are just a$$🕳s. I am going to go take my dog for a walk now. I hope you have a wonderful evening. Hang in there 🕊🌸 Joe💚
@amiableBlackberry92...Hi ABB 🙂 How are you doing today?
@egret35 Hi Joe,bthx so much for asking your very kind to inquire.....it's appreciated very much. Very big struggle with depression today. I have CPTSD which causes this rollercoaster of emotions that's really out of my control. It's trauma coming out. It shows up when it wants to....i have been on this rollercoaster for 3 years and I know it well. I try to control myself, distract myself because I don't want to upset my hub. I don't want my trauma to affect him. It's bad enough it's changed my entire life. I'm better because I was on that coaster everyday for a year and a half 24/7. It's improved, it comes and goes sometimes for days then it lifts. It's unpredictable. I spent time with my daughters dog today as they were away. He's the best loves me no matter what my mood is. He is wonderful. How was your day today? You get time with your little girl? Fun stuff with her? ABB💜
@amicableBlackberry92. I am glad you got to spend with your daughter's dog today. I agree. Dogs are awesome! They are always happy to see you. It can be difficult to tell your loved ones that you are suffering. They love you and it hurts them to know you are hurting. That is why it is good to have a therapist or a friend who understands... I had an awesome day today! I am always happier when my daughter is home. We went swimming at a private beach that I found (our new secret spot), went out to eat at a Chinese restaurant, got ice cream, and went to a gift shop. My daughter found a really pretty rock at the store and I found some used books I was looking for. It was such a fun day! One to remember during the tough times. I am sorry that you are having a difficult time with sadness today. I hope that tomorrow is a better day for you and that your procedure helps you with your pain. Take care Joe💚
@egret35.... Joe soooo excited for you, you did have a fun day. I love rocks and old books lol. These are the days to have fun when our kids are young. I used to take mine fishing at a secret spot. We loved antique shops too. I miss them being young. Of course gotta do Chinese food it's a must!! Yum. Your post made me smile thank you💜💜ABB
@egret35. Hi Joe, I hope your day was as good as yesterday! Wish me luck getting a pain procedure tomorrow. Let's hope it works! I'm sending out good vibes to you and your little girl. 💜ABB
@amiableBlackberry92 Thank you for the good vibes! 😁 Back at ya! 💨 🐶🌺🦄 We had another fun day today. This time at a public beach. 🏖 I wasn't anxious being there which is a huge improvement. We stopped for frozen custard and saw a beautiful sunset 🌅 How was your day? I hope you are feeling better. Please let me know how your procedure goes tomorrow. I am really glad that they are going to be able to do something to help you. Take care, Joe💚
@egret35. Such a great day for you!! Sounds wonderful....beach is the ✨ magic word, one of my favorites for sure! I'm glad you were able to be relaxed and have some fun🥳....I love the 🌊 ocean waves it's music 🎵 to me!... I actually spent a couples hours at the day spa 😉...it's my special self care for myself. There was ocean wave music in the background there lol 😊 thx for the good wishes I'll let you know... 💜 ABB
@amiableBlackberry92 How are you feeling?
@egret35...thx for checking on me! It went smoothly and I slept most of the afternoon. I feel hopeful. How was your day?☔raining alot here...💜 ABB
@amiableBlackberry92....I am SO happy for you! 😁🥳👍👏 I am glad that you got some good sleep. My daughter and I both had therapy appointments today which went well. My daughter has been dealing with abandonment issues with her mom the last couple of years. The therapist seems to help her and they have a good relationship. It is raining here too. The two of us took the dog for a walk this morning and played Nintendo the rest of the day. It was a nice relaxing day. I hope you get some good rest and feel better soon. I will check in on you again tomorrow. Take care, Joe 💚
@amiableBlackberry92 How are you today?
@egret35 Hi Joe, thx so much for asking, I'm doing great no pain for now so awesome I actually got to go with a friend for a shopping/ lunch🥪 date. She's the best she picked me up! 🚗 I feel hopeful today....I hope you were able to have some fun today with the little girl!!? Let me know how your day was!💜 ABB
@amiableBlackberry92. That is terrific news! I am really happy that you are feeling better and that you got to go have fun with a friend today. It is wonderful that you have such a supportive person in your life. I have been feeling a bit angry and sad today. I try to keep it hidden but my daughter knows me So well and she picks up on little things. We have been watching a show today called Lego Masters which is a Lego competition show. Now we are going to watch the Lego Movie and play Legos while we do that. I hope it doesn't rain again tomorrow so we can spend some time outside. It is awesome that your surgery has worked out well for you and I wish you continued success and all the happiness that you deserve! Take care. 😁 Joe💚
#egret35 Thx Joe your so kind! Lego everything day sounds like so much fun! I'm sorry you felt kinda sad/ mad today, but it might be weather related too. We are getting a ton of rain here and it's hard to get out and be enjoying things. These precious memories you are creating with your daughter you both will be able to reflect on them when she's an adult with love. My kids remember doing similar things on rainy days and they said they always had the best time playing with toys/games and watching movies with us. My childhood had nothing but abuse in it so I made sure my kids could say they had the best childhood and they do..I am so proud of that..Just enjoy every single minute with your girl because ours are grown and we so miss playing monopoly or clue type games with them when they were young. It flys by so fast. You're creating special events for her she will love you forever for doing!💜 ABB
Hi @amiableBlackberry92. Thank you for writing. I hope you are doing well. I love spending time with my daughter. It makes life worth living. It can be really difficult at times as well though. I haven't been this depressed since my daughter was 2. Back then when I was sad or angry I could hide it. It is getting more and more difficult to hide my depression around my daughter. I know I should be honest about how I am feeling with her, but it is difficult because she believes that she has to shoulder the responsibility for my moods. If I get angry, even at the t.v. or the car, she will say "Is it my fault?" And of course I tell her no, but at some point it just becomes a knee jerk response for her. She has been through a really difficult situation with her mother. Her mom will get evicted, move them into a new place and then get evicted again. She is up to 7 evictions at this point and my daughter's life with her mother is incredibly unstable. Ironically I, who am clinically diagnosed as emotionally unstable, have been tasked with being her safe, stable harbor in this stormy sea that is life. I have done a good job of it too. It is the one thing in life that I am proud of. Being a great dad. I understand the pride of doing your best to teach your children kindness by example and you Should be Very proud of that. It can be so difficult to hold that pain inside sometimes though. You have expressed that feeling when it comes to your husband and I get it. I am a patient, long suffering person, but I can only hold it in for so long until it explodes. Like in the form of an acid filled post. Thank you for being a kind, supportive person. If you ever need to vent I will listen. I hope your pain is still under control and that you are feeling well. Take care Joe💚
@egret35. Thx Joe, I completely understand, one person can only take so much. I am still have painful muscle spasms in the mornings and it's very rough because it's every day. I feel my depression bubbling up. I am just dealing with alot for one little lady. It becomes too much and all I can do is cry ... It's hard to stop the tears once they start. I have rivers if pain coming out after decades of surpressing my painful past . You are not alone in your deep sadness. Be proud of being your little girls safe place. I never had a safe place as a kid. Right now I'm in a low place and don't want to leave my house. Tomorrow is therapy so I'm looking forward to that. I am struggling badly with depression and my physical pain. Pain really changes ones outlook and not in a good way this is rough. Thx so much for checking in on me it helps so much to know there's good ppl out there. I personally haven't met many. I'm a magnet for predators. They can see my vulnerability. I appreciate your incredible kindness here.thx ABB 💜
@amiableBlackberry92 ... I was just thinking about that this morning. How some people must look at me and think "that would make a good punching bag." It actually Does help to know that I am not suffering alone. I hope it helps you as well. I have been mostly abused by women in my life. That abuse was almost always psychological not physical and never sexual. I would honestly rather be physically abused than mentally abused. I can not comprehend the pain of sexual abuse. I am sorry that you have to endure that. We carry the pain of our past into every new situation. I hope that you are in a safe place now. You are in a safe place talking to me. 🙂 My daughter went to her mom's last night so I finally get to let go emotionally. That is good for now, but it is her coming back which will force me to be strong and pull myself back together. It is okay to stay home and bleed your heart into your pillow. Embrace the softness, comfort and safety. Release the pain inside. Enjoy the fact that you are able to release that pain in safety. And know that I am at home suffering as well, doing the same. Take care, Joe 💚
@egret35..yes it helps knowing your not suffering alone.thx for your encouraging words they really do help me. It's good you get breaks from the little girl so you can refuel so to speak. Mental/ emotional abuse is so rough especially when it starts at a real young age. There's a side that just misses out on relationship skills you need to ward off the predators in the world. .... I'm just really struggling on alot of levels. My CPTSD is a chronic battle. The physical ailment is also chronic , put the 2 together and wow it's hard to keep going forward some days. I'm struggling handling our health insurance needs too. I left my job and good insurance because of my s.assault and it's just been expensive and tricky to navigate. I'm not really mentally strong enough to navigate all this. Of course insurance coverage is spotty on Obamacare. But I don't have a choice my condition is debilitating and I can't work. My hub is older and left his job due to an injury and he's not quite old enough for Medicare just yet ...close tho. I find my battles never stop lately. I am in a safe environment here at home, my hub is a gentle person. I love getting into bed and just crying my eyes out but I don't do that in front of hub it's too hard for him because he hates to see me hurting so badly. My pain is difficult for others to handle. That's why I have therapist, she's trained ...take care of yourself, do some self pampering it helps... 💜ABB
@egret35.. just saying hey, how are you? Hope your weeks going ok. I'm doing good today it's my son's birthday and we had a little cake celebration today at my house. I adore him. He's joy to me. 💜Best ABB
@amiableBlackberry92...Hi! I am having a great day! My brother surprised me by inviting me to a basketball game last night. It was So much fun! It was so loud from all the people cheering. It was really exciting to get to be there in person to see our home team 🦌 win their first championship in 50 years. It was one of the most exciting experiences of my life. And to be able to share that with my brother was really special. Happy Birthday to your son! 🥳 I am glad you were able to get together for his birthday. My daughter's birthday is tomorrow. She is going to be 11. She will be with her mom for her actual birthday this year, so we are going to have a party next week. We will, of course, all call and sing to her tomorrow. 🎂 I have been thinking about my emotional pain recently and I have decided to put in the effort to diminish it. I am going to start focusing on the present moment, let go of the pain of my past and the fear of my future. I am going to try to stop trying to control outcomes and start reminding myself that judging (especially judging myself) causes me pain. My therapist says that pain is inevitable, suffering is a choice. I am choosing Not to create suffering in my own heart and mind. I am going resume my Buddhist practice and study. The teaching is about eliminating suffering. I hope you have/or find something to help you through tough times. Having a loving family is probably the best support that you can have. I am glad that you have that in your husband and your children. Take care 🙂 Joe💚
@egret35...Omg I'm so happy for you. Spending special time with your bro!! This is wonderful. Funny our kids bdays are one day apart lol. Very cool. Buddha's" living in the moment your in " is the best advice. I actually have a Buddha statue next to my side of the bed to remind me every night .....enjoy this moment.....I am lucky to have 2 amazing kids and love them so much . Both successful and are the best thing I've done with my life. Hubby is an easy going funny guy so opposite of what I dealt with as a kid. He's very good to me ..I am grateful of the good stuff for sure. Just sifting through the bad can be tough. But that's why I have Therapist and 7 cups to help me with it. I'm excited by your excitement!! Your doing great no judgement!! You deserve the best ok!!? ABB 💜