I need some advice, plz...
My mom was abused when she was younger and she thinks that I?m going to grow up and become like her dad. Maybe she?s right? Someone once told me that if you try NOT to be someone hard enough, then you'll end up becoming them. I...I don't want that. I try to tell myself I?m still learning...but...I really don't know what to do. I want to run away so they can be a happy family without me. She's threatened to leave before...I can't let her leave my little brother and sister; they need her...and I need her. I only do my family harm. I feel...safe when I'm alone. Like if I left and just kept walking and walking then I could never hurt anyone ever again and they'd be so, so happy, and everything would be okay again. My dad says it?s alright and I?m not any different than I?m supposed to be. He explains to just work with her and feel out her emotions before I do anything. So I tried. Then she saw our texts. She saw me asking for advice (I never, not once, said anything insulting or negative towards her) and saw him answer. She?s convinced that every time I get in ?trouble? I go crying to dad. Who else am I supposed to go to? I don?t mean to mess up. It's just...I don't know...messing up in school, or forgetting to put the cheese away, or closing my door, or not looking at them in the eye when they're upset, or not talking enough, or talking too much. It's different every time. I'm so scared all the time. I've got a checklist in my head and I'm constantly terrified that I'll mess up again; 'cause when I mess up it reminds her of her dad and she sits me and my little siblings down and tells the little ones to never be like me. I never talk at school because they all look so happy...and I don't know all the right jokes or how to say stuff right without saying something stupid or messing up...I can't make those kids who look so happy feel awkward or hesitant. I just don't know what to do. I don't know...she loves me...but I keep making mistakes. I...I think she's desperate for me to not turn out like him...she doesn't want me nae either. She taught me when I was three that every nice thing my "grandpa" seemed to do for me was an insult towards her. I grew to be wary of him. He IS bad, of course, that's not a lie. Everyone in my family sees it and he can never keep a job, since he's rude. But I can't turn out like him. Three was probably the age when I hated my grandfather; I know it sounds messed up, but it?s true. I?m always on my computer (I?m on it now typing to you) because I LOVE to write. I?ve been writing stories ever since 1st grade and I still love it. It?s the only place where I can be myself and express myself in my stories and not be laughed at or judged. It?s?feels sort of?I dunno, safe I guess. Like I can really be me. So I?m up in my room a lot. My art teacher loves my paintings and sketches and says I have a real future ahead of me and has signed me up for an advanced class. My creative writing teacher says she literally has nothing else to teach me, and told me that I should try to write a book. So that is what I strive to do. I write and draw a lot up in my room. And that makes mom mad.
Sometimes it feels like we are the problem and sometimes we are accused of being a problem when really someone else is acting out their anger and mistrust of their past. I cannot tell you how many times I was accused of lying as a kid when I told the truth, or of being deceitful and doing things that were wrong and being sneaky when I did not know those things were wrong, or how many times I looked at my feet when I was in trouble because I was shamed and lectured and told that I was someone that I was not. Don't try not to be him. Don't even worry about it. You are not him. You are very unique with gifts and talents that are yours alone. Maybe you could go and talk to the counselor at school about this. It sounds to me like you need some support because you're not getting it at home. You can be who you choose to be. If it were me I'd ask God to show me who I am to Him. Then I would ask Him to make the devil and the spirit of fear and shame to leave me alone. I've done that before.It has helped me alot. I'm not sure if that goes with what you believe or not.
I'm sorry that you are struggling with all these things. It is a hard place to be.
Thank you! :)
I know my mom DOES love me, and she says things she doesn't mean when she's mad, but they really hurt. I've got a teacher at school that I'm really close to who i've got to for advice when i was younger (something similar happened that i needed help with) but now that i'molder it seems a little childish to be begging for help. I'm scared about going to my friends as well because it's scary to open up because friends don't usually talk about stuff like that.
My mom loves me very much, but the things that were said and done were abusive and they hurt and made me feel horrible. It has takenmany years ofcounselling to repair the damage that was done. Now we have a much better relationship. Ireally believe a good counselor could help you. Friends are great, but may not know how to help you. It's not childish to ask for help. It takes a lot of guts to seek out help. Even the most powerful men in the world have advisors, people they go to when they need help both in business and in their private lives.
Thank you for responding so fast, BTW. :) I really needed help.
You've done nothing wrong it sounds like, and SHE'S being abusive. Do you shout or lose your temper or lash out? Are you emotionally abusive? Only you can answer that. But look, you're the one who is really scared of messing up. Why would you be scared if you were the one whose behaviour was really causing the problem? Abusive people are not scared, they want to abuse.
You're her child. She should not be treating you like this, even if there were issues with your behaviour this response would still be wrong. This is her issue to work through, it may not even have much to do with you at all, really. Making little mistakes, messing up at school, forgetting things, is not something that deserves such a harsh critical reaction from her, those are normal things that everyone does at times. Being somewhat introverted is not wrong, either.
It sounds like she's so worried that you'll turn out like him that she doesn't want you to make any mistakes. The problem is mistakes are what make us - no one is perfect and we all get things wrong it's often how we deal with them and what we do to make sure it doesn't happen again that makes us who we are.
You mentioned your good at writing. Have you thought of writinga letter to your mam explaining how you truly feel telling her that you love her and you know she loves you back but that she's trying to control you too much to prevent you being like him that she's also stopping you from becoming you.
You could also looking into counseling with both of your sitting down together talking to someone. It sounds like she never truly dealt with her past and its now coming into her kids lives. You said that people said if you try too hard to avoid being like someone you'll become like them and there's maybe some truth in that, in the sense that if she goes on too much she might unintentionally make you into him
