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Ember
138 M Embraced 1
PathStep 3 Compassion hearts5 Forum posts19 Forum upvotes10 Current upvotes10 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 2016 Member sinceApril 14, 2014
Recent forum posts
Alone and friendless
Depression Support / by Ember
Last post
 November 25th, 2014
...See more I don't really have friends at school and my mom never really liked me because she says I'm different. I just want friends because I'd actually have people who cared about me. I'm not shy and I have tried. I have online friends who love talking with me but no real ones. I just need someone to talk to. I'm scared that IF I get a friend then once I come to them for help or "burden" (as my mom puts it) them with my problems then they'll leave. Please help! :(
Just echoes...
Depression Support / by Ember
Last post
 November 1st, 2014
...See more I need to get away. I just don't know where to go or what to do.  I have no good childhood memories that I can remember anyway…My mother was abused when she was little, and once I got to the age where I accidentally talked back to her, she was convinced that I would become like him. So she believes that I will always try to conspire against her. Someone once told me that if you try NOT to be someone hard enough, then you'll end up becoming them. I...I don't want that. I want to run away so they can be a happy family without me. When I was eight I tried to find a different form of escape by locking myself in my room and whispering my problems to myself to get the thoughts out of my head, but my mom took the door off its hinges (she literally pulled out the pins with a hammer and threw the door to the side) and started yelling at me again. She was even madder that I locked my door and I learned a few colorful curse words that day… I LOVE to write and I do so as often as I can. I wait until I’m sure everyone is asleep (I’ve even memorized that my dad wakes up at almost exactly 11:30 at night to get a cup of water) and open up my glitch-y computer. It helps to create a world where I can control what’s going on and “escape” for lack of a better word. There I can create my own friends and family and finally feel safe and wanted. It’s the only place where I can be myself and express myself in my stories and not be laughed at or judged. It was all I had. My mom is fond of calling me a witch and told my little brother in no uncertain terms that he wasn’t ever to listen to anything I said again, and if he wanted something that I couldn’t get him, then he was to come directly to her. I…she threatened to take my computer away (the one thing I have left). She said I would never become an author and even if I did write anything worthwhile I would be too frightened to actually try to submit anything. She says I’m pathetic and that’s probably the only thing the both of us agree on. I’m spiraling down deeper into depression each day, and I’m feeling more and more alone. My two little siblings have grown to despise me, and if I look at them wrong, it’s taken to my mother. I’m still missing a chunk of my hair where she ripped it out. I remember when she did, and it was just because I walked by her without looking her in the eye when I answered a question. My little sister saw it as my mother grabbed my hair and threw me as hard as she could against the floor. My sister screamed and started crying because she was scared, but mom told her that I was a witch and that it was okay. There’s nothing worse in this world to hear your little sister stop crying over you. There’s NOTHING worse.  Who could care about me? Who would talk to me outside of people on the computer where I can pretend I’m not waiting until my parents have left to talk to? Who could I ever talk to? I…want to run away so bad. What could be worse than this? But something holds me back. Maybe some last bit of lingering pride? Maybe hope? Fear? I don’t know what it is…but I don’t know what to do…
Need some friends
Depression Support / by Ember
Last post
 October 5th, 2014
...See more It's really hard for me to make friends because i don't really know what to say. To remedy this i usually focus on helping people and doing what i can. (aka: encouraging notes snuck into their backpacks or a flower taped to their locker.) It helps a bit because i know i'm making someone's day and letting them know that they matter, but...I just feel like no one can see me. 
I need some advice, plz...
Depression Support / by Ember
Last post
 September 12th, 2014
...See more My mom was abused when she was younger and she thinks that I’m going to grow up and become like her dad. Maybe she’s right? Someone once told me that if you try NOT to be someone hard enough, then you'll end up becoming them. I...I don't want that. I try to tell myself I’m still learning...but...I really don't know what to do. I want to run away so they can be a happy family without me. She's threatened to leave before...I can't let her leave my little brother and sister; they need her...and I need her. I only do my family harm. I feel...safe when I'm alone. Like if I left and just kept walking and walking then I could never hurt anyone ever again and they'd be so, so happy, and everything would be okay again. My dad says it’s alright and I’m not any different than I’m supposed to be. He explains to just work with her and feel out her emotions before I do anything. So I tried. Then she saw our texts. She saw me asking for advice (I never, not once, said anything insulting or negative towards her) and saw him answer. She’s convinced that every time I get in “trouble” I go crying to dad. Who else am I supposed to go to? I don’t mean to mess up. It's just...I don't know...messing up in school, or forgetting to put the cheese away, or closing my door, or not looking at them in the eye when they're upset, or not talking enough, or talking too much. It's different every time. I'm so scared all the time. I've got a checklist in my head and I'm constantly terrified that I'll mess up again; 'cause when I mess up it reminds her of her dad and she sits me and my little siblings down and tells the little ones to never be like me. I never talk at school because they all look so happy...and I don't know all the right jokes or how to say stuff right without saying something stupid or messing up...I can't make those kids who look so happy feel awkward or hesitant. I just don't know what to do. I don't know...she loves me...but I keep making mistakes. I...I think she's desperate for me to not turn out like him...she doesn't want me naïve either. She taught me when I was three that every nice thing my "grandpa" seemed to do for me was an insult towards her. I grew to be wary of him. He IS bad, of course, that's not a lie. Everyone in my family sees it and he can never keep a job, since he's rude. But I can't turn out like him. Three was probably the age when I hated my grandfather; I know it sounds messed up, but it’s true. I’m always on my computer (I’m on it now typing to you) because I LOVE to write. I’ve been writing stories ever since 1st grade and I still love it. It’s the only place where I can be myself and express myself in my stories and not be laughed at or judged. It’s…feels sort of…I dunno, safe I guess. Like I can really be me. So I’m up in my room a lot. My art teacher loves my paintings and sketches and says I have a real future ahead of me and has signed me up for an advanced class. My creative writing teacher says she literally has nothing else to teach me, and told me that I should try to write a book. So that is what I strive to do. I write and draw a lot up in my room. And that makes mom mad. 
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