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Apersonisme
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts9 Forum posts8 Forum upvotes2 Current upvotes2 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2024 Member sinceSeptember 11, 2014
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I can't forgive myself but still love her
Depression Support / by Apersonisme
Last post
 September 11th, 2014
...See more Hi there. This is a long one so appologes I've been in a 3-4 on and off relationship which has just ended for what I think is the last time and I'm struggling to cope. The girl in question I new through a friend and all 3 of us would often go for drives in my friends car. One night we went to hers and her other friend was there. I'm, always nervous around new girls and her friend wasn't bad looking so to avoid her i stared at her all night her thinking I liked her and she sent me a text on the night. I'd never thought of her in that way really, she'd joked about things and I did wonder but nothing happened and she had liked at one point a few years ago our mutual friend. That night we started a friends with benefits scenario but she decided to stop. She was a couple years younger and had at one point been a good friend of my brothers as they where in the same year so she felt awkward but decided to carry on in the end. I was falling for her but was unsure if she felt the same way and got the courage one night as I had been out with some work friends drinking. I told her how i felt and we started a short relationship it didn't work for a few reasons but we became great friends later and I decided to see if we could get back together and we did ages later. During our friendship I also admitted why i'd stared at her that night it hurt her still does, she thinks that I don't find her attractive and I just settled for her. I find her beautiful and know I made the right decision. When we got back together for the second time I started a new job about a month later, at a newly opened store. Everyone was on a trial kind of contract so I worked a lot of hours to show them I was good for the job and as she didn't work at the time she got annoyed waiting for me and sometimes I felt she wouldn't listen and understand me. I was working with a load of young girls and so I got moaning to them painted a big picture which lead to loads of arguments. I went out a lot with them and made her feel like i didn't care. Not long ago I admitted to a lie - someone shouted something down the phone and i pretended i didn't know who it was well i made up a name and i admitted to it. We where broken after that lie and knew there was one other massive lie that I decided to tell while we where already down. I'd never been popular at school that's why I think i went out with all these people on nights out as people seemed interested in me. I got confused when I was younger and I experimented with two men, having gay sex but I always fancied women and didn't want a relationship with a man so I realisied it wasn't for me. I admited it to her, knowing what could happen and it destroyed a lot. She worried I was gay and if I'd thought of men while having sex with her - i'd only thought of her. She wanted someone 100 percent straight which in my opinion i was. The big problem was the fact that when we got together i'd told her i'd had sex with people before as i was nervous but i really kind of was a virgin - i say kind of as i'd never classed the men even though it was sex. So i eventually told her she was my first, so to learn i'd lost it to a man not even a girl, it hurt her bad and she felt betrayed but we seemed to make a little progress but it brought out old arguments and i ruined it. I sometimes can be a bit visual with my hands and this is something I do a lot when angry. I'd never hit her though and never have but she'd told me that it couldn't happen again and i lost control and kind of gently hit my legs. I tried to win her back but i've pushed her away even more. I told her i wanted to show her the good side of me i've been talking about and put her first but i've had that many chances. She said what abou what she wants and even now I'm being selfish. The truth is walking away is going to be hard i don't just want to walk away from all the stuff we've got through but I don't want to hurt her anymore. I want to be there for her even if I know we'll never be anything. I feel so lost and lonley and I'm to blame and I know it. I just don't know what to do. Thanks for reading.
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