I'm going insane ( Slightly nsfw
I don't know where I should start. I feel like screaming out loud, until my voicebox breaks. I don't think I've posted anywhere else, the reason for me being like this. I'll explain. Before any of this started, I was a bright child. I had goals, dreams, aspirations, achievements that I was proud of, and generally, I was happy. I felt content. Then my p**n addiction happened. It destroyed me, emotionally, mentally, completely. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about
I'm so sorry about that. I clicked enter by mistake. I'll continue from below:
Every time, I told myself, this is it. I'm not gonna go back. It's the end. I won't do it anymore. A few days go by, a few weeks if I'm lucky, and Boom. I'm back in it again. Every time it happens, it hurts me. I hate it. I cry for hours and hours under my bed. After each incident, I feel like someone punched me hard in my ribs. You know what this did to me? It made me disbelieve in myself. I don't believe in myself anymore.
Can I get a 100 in my finals? No, I can't. No matter how hard I try. Why? What's the logic? If I can't stop myself from doing something as small as that, who's to tell me that I have the power and strength to actually do anything? Huh?
ANSWER ME!! LOOK AT ME IN MY EYE AND TELL ME I'M WORTH SOMETHING!!!!!!!! You can't. No one can. Cause its not true. You wanna know how I feel? Like no one cares. And I don't deserve care. Why should I? Why should I steal from someone else's precious time and energy, to console me? Everybody look at me. Judges me. I gotta be this, I gotta be that, I CAN'T!! Haven't you heard what I said? I CANNOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
These websites tell me, the best way to be happy is to practice self love. Ha. HAHAHA. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Self love. Beloney. I don't deserve love. Who, me? This dirty, filthy, evil maniac who is clearly insane? And who's to tell me otherwise?
I don't believe in my goals. I can't make a small decision on my own without racking myself : Why did you? You can't make a proper judgement! Ask someone else!!! YOU FOOL!!!!!!!!!!!
That's also the reason I can never, ever do anything new. Someone says do this, fine, I'll do it. But on my own, Nope. Nada. Never. EVVER.
My heart, it has numbed, if you know what I mean. You know how you FEEL your heart when you go through something really, really emotional? Yeah, that. I can't feel that.
I'm scared. I'm a scared puppy out in the wild, fighting for survival. All I want is someone to give me a tight hug, and tell me that it's ok, I'm here for you. I'll hear you out. I'll listen to what you have to say. I'll help you get through this. You know, a Shoulder to cry on?
It takes all my energy not to try to end myself everyday. To keep that smiling face on me. It physically pains. My neck is as hard as a diamond right now.
I know I should put this over in the addiction community, but I just want to tell you this: My main reason for doing the evil that I do, is because I want someone to love me, to see me for who I am, and to listen to what I have to say. I look at the heart. The personality. The person on the inside. The joys, the sorrows, the memories, what makes you, YOU. That's why I love helping people so much. I am overjoyed when I see that ear - to - ear smile on someone's face, those squeals of delight, those tears of happiness. And I wanna be there for you when you feel sad, lonely, miserable, when they need a SHOULDER TO CRY ON, to share their problems with.
You know what I feel like? I feel like a werewolf. I'm going around, in the shadows, out of sight, to make sure that I don't hurt anybody. I'm scared of everyone, like I said, FOR them. I'm scared I'm going to harm everyone. It kills me. It really does.
I'm really sorry I wasted your precious time with my beloney. You deserve better. Please forgive me.
@thoughtfulGrapes1163
Hi there.
It seems to me that you're 63 years old. I'm a 71 old Christian woman from Norway. I just want to tell you that Jesus Christ took all your sins and shame to the cross and nailed it all with himself there so that you're a new creature in front of the sight of God, completely perfect and clean. Jesus Christ is risen from the ded and is alive today. He is stronger than the dark forces in the world. He said about himself that He is "The light of the world".
@Helgafy
Hey Helgafy. 😊 This is my first time meeting you 😯 I hope you're doing well 😀 And no, 😅 I'm not 63 years old, that's a randomly generated number from cups. Even though I am not that religious, Helga, your comment hit a chord in me. Its hard to explain, but it seems like you have a tranquility in your heart that shone out a little in this comment. That peace, that certainty, its something that's hard to find these days. I appreciate you reaching out to me and helping me out 🤗. I'm doing a little better from the time I wrote this post, but it still hurts quite a bit ☹️.
Thanks again for reaching out,
Your new buddy,
Grapes 🍇
(P.S - Look for me in the chatrooms 😀 )
@thoughtfulGrapes1163
First off, no matter how much you say that you don’t deserve self-love or that you’re wasting the time of people reading it, it seems clear that you are trying your best against a set of difficult circumstances, and you are under a lot of pain—someone like this deserves care and our empathy, not to be further trodden down upon :(
Anyway, I am a little late, but I’ll tell you what you should have heard all along (and what you deserve to hear): I hear you. I can tell how much pain you’re in, and I’m sorry you’ve been made to feel this way. I understand that the shame of not living up to expectations (whether other people’s or your own) can feel overwhelming—but I hope you also know that it doesn’t have to define who you are.
You’ve mentioned that you ultimately just want to make others happy, and see others happy, and you’re scared to hurt others: it definitely sounds like you care deeply about other people, and I just hope you can realize that this is a care you deserve to let yourself feel, too.
Hi, I can totally relate to you. I understand the type of pain you are going through. The addiction was once a part of me too, and I used to think that maybe I was doing it to make myself stress-free but every time it was over the amount of guilt and regret would be at its peak. Then I realized maybe I not getting loved and cared so I did it to at least feel this regret and I didn't become numb. Maybe you are doing it for the same reasons too. Our mind just plays with us that way.
You don't have to feel alone, I am spending every day talking bad to myself, criticizing myself for even good things, and not giving credit to myself. It was difficult for me to wake up every morning with the hope of being happy, but I'm just coping now. Or maybe my body has switched off that button itself haha. I am still alone looking for someone to love me unconditionally. Till then I am like a dead body in the living world trying to feel alive.
IDK how supportive my msg is but the only thing I want to say is don't feel shame it is your brain doing it to make you feel something, that you are a human and still have some emotions left whether they are all bad ad painful you are feeling something. I hope after some time when you will find some new emotion this will be gone. Just keep waking up every day, that is the hardest thing you are doing right now. And someone told me if you don't feel like studying just keep reading, doesn't matter if you retain anything or not, just get yourself used to it, and start with a few hours daily.
And if you can't love yourself don't hate too, be neutral towards yourself. Honestly, it is better. I know for people like us it is difficult to love ourselves because we think it is something we don't deserve or are worthy of but trust me don't think that way, just stay neutral. don't talk bad to yourself, if you make any mistake say"It's fine" and move on. It's your fight with yourself and you can win it. Just be patient.
