I dunno. TW for suicidal ideation.
It scares me that I feel like the only way I'll ever not feel sick and anxious is when I'm dead.
Life feels too long. But at the same time I don't want to cause my family any more pain and worry so I just do my best to keep going.
But I can tell my thoughts are noticeably more suicidal ideation than normal and that scares me.
I spend so much time feeling out of control of my body and my mind, I worry this will not be in my control either.
But I know deep down it's up to me.
And I feel hopeless knowing I'm trapped feeling like this until I naturally die. Trapped in this body indefinitely, taking on pain to make sure other people don't feel pain. Can't even bring myself to tell my family explicitly how I've been feeling. I just laugh and say ya I'm ďoing really not great! Like don't worry I'm suicidal but I won't do anything cause I can't but that doesn't mean I don't think about how I wish I could.
Nobody really knows. I feel like people are so used to me being anxious but if they knew where my heads been at they'd maybe step up or step in. I dunno. Too ashamed still to be honest in real life. So telling folks here for now will have to do.
Sending love to all of you folks tonight.
Just tired.
@KindPear Hey there. when i read it all, i feel like i can relate to you so much. Having paradox thoughts come to our mind is really hard, being tired yet be able to go through it all, the feelings you want to give up on everything yet need to survive. It's all a mixed feelings that i won't be able to forget. I may not be in your state right now but i get how you felt when writing this. I'm for you here anytime okie? We'll get through this together. Sending love back to you
@KindPear Hi Pear. There is always hope. Trust me. Let me share my story. It might shed some light. I have been dealing with depression for over 20 years. My last battle was about 4 months ago and it hit me pretty hard so I decided to see a psychologist for the first time in about 7 years. It helped me a lot. He discussed how anxiety and depression actually work and he also suggested for me to read 2 books. The 10 Best Ever Anxiety Management Techniques and Feeling Good. They discuss not only coping skills but talk about how the brain works in regards to anxiety and depression. I really liked the books and I am still reading them. I am not a huge fitness guy but for the last 3 months or so I take a walk in my hilly neighborhood and I also jog a little bit to get my heart rate up. This helps me tremendously. I usually do it on my lunch break because I work close to home. I am also on an anti depressant which is 20 mg of Lexapro and when I go through my anxiety/depression episodes I will take Klonopin. There is hope and you will be ok. Trust me.
@KindPear Man....that first sentence. It just hit me down to my bones. I've been trying to explain to my partner why some weeks are emotionally worse for me; even if my pain doesn't seem physically worse. The weight of never finding relief is so much sometimes. I understand.
