Skip to main content Skip to bottom nav
KindPear
19,590 M Progress Road 8
PathStep 153 Compassion hearts473 Forum posts81 Forum upvotes84 Current upvotes84 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2024 Member sinceJanuary 28, 2015
Bio

I'm 34 years old, queer, and I have anxiety, depression, and panic disorder. I have been trying to stay afloat for many years. I'm constantly filled with fear and guilt and doubt and shame about most things. I feel sick and anxious every day and my depression/self loathing is heavy. Every day I feel like I'm drowning. Likely other undiagnosed stuff. Been on here a long time.

Recent forum posts
Heartache.
Relationship Stress / by KindPear
Last post
 August 4th, 2023
...See more I don't know if this goes here, since we aren't in a relationship. But I just wanted to tell somebody that I still love him. I can't tell anyone cause it's been too long and its stupid and I shouldn't feel like this. But I do. I love him and I always punish myself for feeling that way but just this once I need to actually say it honestly and just sit with it. If anyone has any suggestions on how to get over someone you've loved on and off for a very long time, someone who is your friend but doesn't like you that way. I've been in so much pain.
Rant.
Anxiety Support / by KindPear
Last post
 June 30th, 2023
...See more I've been panicking most nights again and every time I come onto this app to the chat groups the people aren't ever talking about what the group is about. I'm panicking and go to the support chat and it's just a bunch of pals having fun Which is great except I need the support chat for support. I dont know where else to go. I feel selfish for feeling this way and I'm sorry. I just feel like I'm exploding a little bit and I feel out of control and telling someone sometimes helps and I wish I could find a chat that I could post in without interrupting a conversation. Panic attacks are horrible and I'm miserable and even 16+ years into this disorder and its still terrifying to panic and that just seems like *** yknow? What happened to exposure therapy the more you do it the easier it'll be Cause that is not how anything has been for me.
I dunno. TW for suicidal ideation.
Depression Support / by KindPear
Last post
 May 2nd, 2023
...See more It scares me that I feel like the only way I'll ever not feel sick and anxious is when I'm dead. Life feels too long. But at the same time I don't want to cause my family any more pain and worry so I just do my best to keep going. But I can tell my thoughts are noticeably more suicidal ideation than normal and that scares me. I spend so much time feeling out of control of my body and my mind, I worry this will not be in my control either. But I know deep down it's up to me. And I feel hopeless knowing I'm trapped feeling like this until I naturally die. Trapped in this body indefinitely, taking on pain to make sure other people don't feel pain. Can't even bring myself to tell my family explicitly how I've been feeling. I just laugh and say ya I'm ďoing really not great! Like don't worry I'm suicidal but I won't do anything cause I can't but that doesn't mean I don't think about how I wish I could. Nobody really knows. I feel like people are so used to me being anxious but if they knew where my heads been at they'd maybe step up or step in. I dunno. Too ashamed still to be honest in real life. So telling folks here for now will have to do. Sending love to all of you folks tonight. Just tired.
Just scared all the time.
Anxiety Support / by KindPear
Last post
 April 7th, 2023
...See more Walking on eggshells to not agitate my panic and it still comes anyway. It feels silly saying will it be like this forever, when its been at least 16 years. Still coming back to this app still searching for any help I can scramble together. Tired of being so terrified. Tired of feeling so sick. I just wanna be done.
How to leave
Relationship Stress / by KindPear
Last post
 July 3rd, 2021
...See more I've been in my relationship for 2 years. We live together. I have felt unsure for a long time but continued the relationship because I am mentally ill and don't always see things accurately so I just tell myself I'm overreacting or scared of commitment or abandonment. My partner bought a house (independently) and we are scheduled to move there in 2 weeks. I have been struggling for months with multiple things but there is no cheating or blatant abuse, I feel sick at the thought of leaving but I'm unhappy. I just feel like even though I love her its not the right relationship for either of us. We both keep trying but I'm so tired. I find myself wishing she would end it, because I'm too much of a coward to do so. But then when I think of being apart I feel great relief mixed with huge heartache because we've been inseparable for 2 years and she is a big part of my identity now. I just don't know how to move forward. I don't feel ready to move into this house, but every time I bring up doubts of fears I end up apologizing and we continue on another day and I feel worse every day. Our relationship isn't bad. But the things that are off just feel important. If we didn't live together I would have asked to go on a break a while ago but its just not an option. I feel like me ending it is not an option. Id rather be unhappy forever than hurt someone I care about. Just exhausted from the constant guilt for months and weeks.
What to do
Relationship Stress / by KindPear
Last post
 July 8th, 2021
...See more How do you know if you don't love someone anymore, if you're just self sabotaging because things are getting more serious, if you're genuinely unhappy in the relationship, or its just bleeding over from being mentally ill and having a messed up perspective.
Lost
Relationship Stress / by KindPear
Last post
 June 3rd, 2021
...See more Been in my relationship for 2 years. Always struggled to feel comfortable sexually with others, before we dated too, and I am going backwards. I don't want to be touched and I don't want to be sexual with my partner. It's heartbreaking because I know she can feel my distance and I can't explain why I feel this way because I don't know. I just know I'm getting worse and not better. I don't know what to do. I find myself wishing she'd break up with me but then also wishing she wouldn't because we live together and have cats and could have a good life together. I'm so scared of leaving or messing up a relationship that's good but also so scared I'm lying to myself and maybe my toxic thoughts are right that I want to leave. I have anxiety and depression disorders and I know those are factors as to why I'm so unhappy. But I know parts are because of her and I'm just overflowing with guilt shame confusion worry and empathy it feels like I cannot make this decision or trust myself to know what to do. How do you know when the love you felt is gone for good or if you're just going through a major depressive episode and it makes everything impossible.? Any thoughts would be helpful. I'm letting her down and I hate this feeling.
Search more from @KindPear
Considering Therapy?
Talk to an expert therapist
Badges & Awards
38 total badges
Hand Shake Linked Quintet Super Active Bubbly Chief Chat Honest Voice Confident Voice Power Voice Strong Start Milestone Journeying Strong Reconnect Walking Together Strong Bond First Post Debuted Reaching out Helping out Appreciated Voice Contributor Community First Compassion Helpful heart Kindness personified Loving Soul Bundled Group Chimer Group Chatter Forum Companion Supportive Smile Togetherness Teammate Group Friend Forum Friend Meaghan's Heart Strong Bond I Hang 10
Report an issue