Being a superhero
Today was a rough day. The kind of day where you reflect a lot on the past and think about the present.
I started thinking about my need to save those around me. I have done this so often. All I do is put others first because I want to help them, no matter how badly it hurts me.
It got me thinking about an old friend of mine. She was so much like me, we clicked just like that because of our struggles. But it wasn't equal or balanced. It was all about her. My struggles and tough times were pushed aside by her whereas I had to do everything to help her no matter how I felt. My feelings did not matter in the equation.
But that's not all I did. I gave her money and bought her food so she wouldn't starve herself. I wasn't in a place to give her money, my family was struggling. But I gave it to her because she asked me for it. I gave it to her to try and help her, to save her. I starved myself so she could eat.
Looking back I know it was stupid. I also knew that she was just using me. No matter how genuine she seemed, I knew that she just wanted someone to make her feel noticed and valuable. And then she got herself a boyfriend and all of a sudden I wasn't needed anymore. I never really thought about it in this way before but now I see it clearly, I see how truly replaceable I was to her. It was never about me as a person, she was only interested in what I had to offer.
I have felt guilty for a long time thinking about how I cut her out of my life. I felt like I had abandoned her. I have no idea how she is doing, if she is well, if she is happy. And I felt as if anything bad that may happen would be my fault for not helping.
I tried to be a superhero. I just never knew what that would take from me.
I still think about her sometimes. I wonder if there was ever a time when I really mattered.
In the end I think she made me into a superhero. Except I'm not saving her, I chose to try and save myself instead.
You did nothing wrong. You did nothing to be ashamed of. You did what you believed, at the time, was the best and most you could do.
If you have ever been on an airplane, they warn you that if the oxygen masks come down, put yours on before those of your children's. Outside of an emergency, it makes perfect sense! How can you help others if you are passed out on the floor?
You are unique in your suffering. It is a wonderful thing that you want to help others. The real difficulty is seeing what they need for assistance. Someone coming down from opiates doesn't need more opiates; that's obvious.
Sometimes people need to feel like they are heard and, at least partially, that their suffering understood. Sometimes that's all you can offer.
Please try to remember that you are the person most deserving of love, patience, and compassion. I have always tried to be there for others, but find myself alone. You passion to help others struck a chord in me.
You are cared about just the way you are: scabbed angels wings and all!
Be good to yourself so that you may help others. If you are do not take care of yourself, how can you help others?
Be courages
@JeffWM this is such a wonderful response. Thank you so much for this. I always feared that I let her down when I abandoned her but I never thought of the fact that she abandoned me way before I chose to move on. I'm hard on myself because I want to do better and be better. I try hard to help others but after a while when there is no one helping me, things get bad. As you said, you end up alone. That's how I felt, like no one was there to help me through my suffering but I had to be there for others. I did what I could but it wasn't enough. I'm not even sure if anything would've helped.
Thank you for understanding me and showing me that I shouldn't hate myself for it.
Much love - DA :)
@discreetAcres6234
As one who has dedicated his life to helping others, while hiding his own personal demons, your post really hit home.
There are many traits I believe I have extinguished, such as jealousy. There are many traits, such as patience, I am in the process of 'working on'. Yet self love is something, sadly, I'm only just being to see.
I think of you. Be well. Be courageous.
DA
The hardest thing sometimes is for us to love ourselves. I know so many people who give others love abundantly and yet are so hesitant to receive their own love.
Take care of yourself first. Once you've done that, you'll be able to give so much more love hun
I really enjoyed this. Most relatable thing for me at the moment. Staying true to yourself is so important. I put others before myself a lot as well. But as Mark twain said: "Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."
