A vent of sorts
Yeah, so. I'm pouring this all out before I clam back up. I apologise if this is in the wrong place.
I've been dealing for depression for quite a while now, I don't remember exactly when it started myself but I do know i was always down at some point as far as my memories can go.
Sometimes I remind myself things could be worse so i should stop complaining, and indeed things have been worse so I should be able to get through this, right? Or is it that I've gotten so used to how I feel that i can't even notice that things are worse than they actually are.
I'm tired, I really am. I'm tired of school, I'm tired of trying to maintain relationships, I'm tired of taking care of myself, I'm tired of lying to the people I care about, I'm tired of life.
I honestly don't remember the last time I've smiled genuinely without thinking "is this the correct time to smile?" or talk to someone without over thinking every single word that comes out of my mouth.
I'm tired of lying to the people I love, I've been lying about this for so long that even my family doesn't notice that anything is wrong with me. I've fallen into a habit that I even forget that I'm in sometimes. I know if I open up to anyone to get help, I'll either fake a recovery and act like I'm fine, or defensively and deliberately make people hate me and distance themselves from me. It's the only thing I know how to do now.
But I'm tired of this, I can't even do the things I love to do anymore. I can't even help others without some voice in the back of my head telling me that they're not worth it, that I won't be able to help them, that I'm just a failure. I mean, it's right. I've given up on so many opportunities and hobbies before because I got "bored" when in reality, I just couldn't bring myself to care about them anymore no matter how much I wanted to.
I want to just give up, but I can't. I can't just give up and disappoint my parents, my friends. I have people who depend on me, who look up to me, who expect me not to give up on them as others have to them. I've never self-harmed, I've never attempted to committing suicide only because I can't bear to have willingly hurt myself or others but if there's a way to get around that...
But lately... I've been wondering if all of this is something I made up. Like, there are days when I really don't understand how i can be depressed but then these thoughts convince me otherwise. But what if, I just forgot the reason I'm like this?
*sigh* I'm ranting now and I didn't want to rant. I better stop before I talk out my entire life haha... Good night everyone.
Hi there, thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry you're experiencing depression that has been affecting your relationships and your hobbies that you would otherwise enjoy. Anhedonia (inability to enjoy things that you normally love to do) can be a severe symptom of depression, and it sounds like it's been affecting you badly. Such is the nature of depression that we often feel like we have no reason to be upset, but it makes us feel horrible anyways.
I hope that the listeners and resources on 7cups can help you cope, and of course, professional help (be it a psychologist, psychiatrist or even asking your GP first) is always a step away to begin the road to recovery if you ever feel like it's what you want to do. All the best!
I resignated with this so much so never feel alone! I think it's harder sometimes when you have 'high functioning' depression. I know I'm a master at pretending like everything's fine and go about my life never opening up to anyone. I drink my coffee or energy drink and I'm the most charming charismatic person you've ever met. I started going to therapy recently and she helped me realize that I have very low self worth and struggle with shame. If you've never heard of Brene Brown I encourage you to look at her works/ted talks on shame and vulnerabiltiy. I know it helped me put things in perspective so maybe it can help you too? Anyway, I hope that you're hanging in there and practicing a little bit of self care /love every day :)
I resignated with this so much so never feel alone! I think it's harder sometimes when you have 'high functioning' depression. I know I'm a master at pretending like everything's fine and go about my life never opening up to anyone. I drink my coffee or energy drink and I'm the most charming charismatic person you've ever met. I started going to therapy recently and she helped me realize that I have very low self worth and struggle with shame. If you've never heard of Brene Brown I encourage you to look at her works/ted talks on shame and vulnerabiltiy. I know it helped me put things in perspective so maybe it can help you too? Anyway, I hope that you're hanging in there and practicing a little bit of self care /love every day :)
I resignated with this so much so never feel alone! I think it's harder sometimes when you have 'high functioning' depression. I know I'm a master at pretending like everything's fine and go about my life never opening up to anyone. I drink my coffee or energy drink and I'm the most charming charismatic person you've ever met. I started going to therapy recently and she helped me realize that I have very low self worth and struggle with shame. If you've never heard of Brene Brown I encourage you to look at her works/ted talks on shame and vulnerabiltiy. I know it helped me put things in perspective so maybe it can help you too? Anyway, I hope that you're hanging in there and practicing a little bit of self care /love every day :)
