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sincereSongster
3,778 M Seeking Light 3
PathStep 70 Compassion hearts149 Forum posts14 Forum upvotes16 Current upvotes16 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2024 Member sinceOctober 22, 2017
Bio
Hey. Just a guy here with problems who's trying to get his life in order.
Recent forum posts
A vent of sorts
Depression Support / by sincereSongster
Last post
 October 29th, 2017
...See more Yeah, so. I'm pouring this all out before I clam back up. I apologise if this is in the wrong place. I've been dealing for depression for quite a while now, I don't remember exactly when it started myself but I do know i was always down at some point as far as my memories can go. Sometimes I remind myself things could be worse so i should stop complaining, and indeed things have been worse so I should be able to get through this, right? Or is it that I've gotten so used to how I feel that i can't even notice that things are worse than they actually are. I'm tired, I really am. I'm tired of school, I'm tired of trying to maintain relationships, I'm tired of taking care of myself, I'm tired of lying to the people I care about, I'm tired of life. I honestly don't remember the last time I've smiled genuinely without thinking "is this the correct time to smile?" or talk to someone without over thinking every single word that comes out of my mouth. I'm tired of lying to the people I love, I've been lying about this for so long that even my family doesn't notice that anything is wrong with me. I've fallen into a habit that I even forget that I'm in sometimes. I know if I open up to anyone to get help, I'll either fake a recovery and act like I'm fine, or defensively and deliberately make people hate me and distance themselves from me. It's the only thing I know how to do now. But I'm tired of this, I can't even do the things I love to do anymore. I can't even help others without some voice in the back of my head telling me that they're not worth it, that I won't be able to help them, that I'm just a failure. I mean, it's right. I've given up on so many opportunities and hobbies before because I got "bored" when in reality, I just couldn't bring myself to care about them anymore no matter how much I wanted to. I want to just give up, but I can't. I can't just give up and disappoint my parents, my friends. I have people who depend on me, who look up to me, who expect me not to give up on them as others have to them. I've never self-harmed, I've never attempted to committing suicide only because I can't bear to have willingly hurt myself or others but if there's a way to get around that... But lately... I've been wondering if all of this is something I made up. Like, there are days when I really don't understand how i can be depressed but then these thoughts convince me otherwise. But what if, I just forgot the reason I'm like this? *sigh* I'm ranting now and I didn't want to rant. I better stop before I talk out my entire life haha... Good night everyone.
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