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pluckyKitten4843
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PathStep 6 Compassion hearts24 Forum posts8 Forum upvotes7 Current upvotes7 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2020 Member sinceAugust 15, 2016
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All the world's a stage
Depression Support / by pluckyKitten4843
Last post
 March 1st, 2018
...See more Does anyone else get annoyed and angry when others post about their depression and anxiety on places such as facebook? Or how if they're having a bad day, they openly tell people they suffer from depression. I just don't understand why people are okay with sharing this with the world and telling people! And then others talk to me about so and so who's having such a rough time and it's just so sad and saying, "I just had no idea they were so depressed!" And I have to smile and nod and say, "yeah, who knew." But you know what, I do know. I know what its like to be suicidal and to actively try to commit suicide. I know what it's like to be so depressed that I don't get out of bed or eat or sleep. I just don't understand how people can be so open about it because it feels like they just want attention. I don't understand how people can purposfully neglect their appearance and miss work and tell everyone and their mother they're depressed like they don't care who knows. Sometimes I hate depression. I hate it because it's a hidden disease that no one knows about and that I don't want anyone to know about. Because if they did, they'd know I'm not okay...that I've never been okay. That I hide it every.single.day. That I force myself to get up and curl my hair and put on makeup, I force myself to put a smile on my face and be the most positive and optimistic person ever. I force myself to act like I've got it all together. But you know what, if I'm not that bubbly, optimistic person...I'll fall apart. And sometimes, I don't think anyone will care or notice. I've become so good at repressing everything. I think people have downplayed anything traumatic that's happened to me that I downplay it's own signifigance in my mind. Like after I was raped, I was told, "It's just sex", and I wanted to believe it so badly. When I couldn't and couldn't get over it...I thought I was weak and pathetic. But I couldn't talk to anyone about it and didn't because I didnt' want to be 'that girl'. That girl who had too much to drink and had 'sex' and now is going off the deep end and is...crazy. So I pretended like I was fine until I couldn't pretend anymore and I tried to kill myself. And then everyone was forced to realize I wasnt' getting over it so they moved me back home after college and got me a job but never spoke about it again. 'We don't need to bring that up ever again.' 'Why would you want to talk about that can't you see you're upseting your mother?' So I never spoke about it ever again. And I carried on with my life and coasted through and was happy...kind of. Until one day I woke up and realized I hated everything about my life. I had no goals, no ambitions and no passion and no one seemed overly concerned about this including myself. I had pretended that I was ok for so long that I was just used to being kind of numb. Eight months ago I started going to counseling for the first time since well, ever. About 7 years after everything began. In January, my insurance through work was changed and no longer covers counseling so I've stopped going. I feel ever more alone than ever. Because even though I was paying my therapist to listen to me, it still felt like a friend listening and I really really miss that. I realized how much I miss just someone validating my concerns and telling me that its okay to feel the way I do. Someone to push me to do better, to set goals and accomplish them. To find new passions and to not be afraid to connect to others. But I've also come to realize that all those things my therapist did, I should and can have friends to do the same. I don't know if any of this makes sense. But I guess it upsets me when others are so vulnerable and open about what they're going through, because I'm unable to be open and vulnerable anywhere outside of therapy. I can't take down the mask and sometimes I just feel so incredibly alone. I don't know if I'll ever be able to open up to people. I'm just sick of being numb and pretending. "All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players" In high school I thought that quote by Shakespeare was inspiring. Now, it's depressing because I know if I'm acting most of the time, quite a few others are too.
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