And now I'm alone

In college, I wasn't very social. I was in a bad relationship that trapped me, and I didn't reach out, join clubs or make many friends.

I was able to make 2 very good friends though. We'll call them K and L. K and I did shows together, hung out a lot. She ended up returning to her home country after graduation and we lost touch.

I was much closer to L than anyone else. We were the same major, had so many of the same interests, we ended up getting as close as we were on a study abroad trip we did together and I made her join the rowing team with me so we suffered and froze together! We stayed in touch after graduation, she went abroad to earn a graduate degree which involved a lot of time in areas with little to no reception doing research. I didn't peruse my degree (something I often regret) and took a job in retail management.

I went down a rabbit hole of depression at that time. But L and I still emailed back and forth. Sometimes there would be months between responses but we still spoke. At my darkest times, I was ashamed to tell her what was going on in my life, so I just wouldn't respond to her email. I kept telling myself that once something interesting happend, I would email her. Nothing happened for another 6ish months. I finally emailed her back and waited for her. 4, 6, 8 months pass. A year passes and nothing. I sent L a follow up. Another 6 months go by and nothing.

Today I emailed 1 last time. I'm afraid my best friend has outgrown me. It hurts so bad.