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tattooedhiker252
436 M Embraced 3
PathStep 12 Compassion hearts62 Forum posts6 Forum upvotes2 Current upvotes2 Age GroupAdult Last activeNovember, 2020 Member sinceApril 4, 2018
Recent forum posts
I'm miserable, I'm self sabotaging and destroying relationships
Depression Support / by tattooedhiker252
Last post
 February 21st, 2021
...See more I just hate so much right now. I'm so miserable and angry and I cry more than I'd like to admit anymore. I've gained a lot of weight over the last couple years and I HATE myself. I don't even want to look in the mirror. I refuse to take pictures, etc. I'm in a toxic work environment that I'm trying really hard to get out of, but every day I still have to go there I feel myself slipping more and more. I used to LOVE the field I was in, I couldn't wait to go to work and I started working at this current location in January and I've gotten to the point where I dread work every day. I absolutely hate it, I'm even considering leaving this field permenately because of this place. I go to work angry and come home angry every single day. I'm also in college while working full time. I'm failing one of my classes terribly. And I can't myself to study or try harder. I'm so tired all the time. And I'm so angry all the time. It's taking every ounce of energy I have and I just can't do it. I'be tried reducing or cutting out relationships that werent healthy for me. I haven't spoken to my parents in over a month and a half. From the outside, my relationship with them was fine, but people don't know the amount of gaslighting and judgment and overall negative things that happened behind the "perfect suburban family" curtain. I couldn't get myself to see them anymore so I just stopped. And although I feel it's best for me, I feel guilty and other aspects of my life are just making things worse on top of the guilt. The past 2 days, I've been fighting with my boyfrined a lot. We live together and he's the love of my life but my anger keeps making things worse and he doesn't understand that some of the things he says don't help. We've had neighbor complaints about my dog barking and her doggy day care is no longer available, so I was stressed about getting her care during my double shifts. He wasn't helping and I got snippy. He knows my stress but told me I was "being highly aggressive." I didn't apprciate that and got extremely upset. Then I was trying to figure out what to do with the class I'm failing and instead of stopping to listen to me, in a dismissive tone he said, "I dont know. Just try harder." I just feel so alone. I can't afford therapy, but know I need it. I feel like I don't have a support system anymore. Work used to be my safe space because I could just focus on other things but now its such an unhealthy environment, I just don;t know what to do anymore.
And now I'm alone
Depression Support / by tattooedhiker252
Last post
 April 3rd, 2020
...See more In college, I wasn't very social. I was in a bad relationship that trapped me, and I didn't reach out, join clubs or make many friends. I was able to make 2 very good friends though. We'll call them K and L. K and I did shows together, hung out a lot. She ended up returning to her home country after graduation and we lost touch. I was much closer to L than anyone else. We were the same major, had so many of the same interests, we ended up getting as close as we were on a study abroad trip we did together and I made her join the rowing team with me so we suffered and froze together! We stayed in touch after graduation, she went abroad to earn a graduate degree which involved a lot of time in areas with little to no reception doing research. I didn't peruse my degree (something I often regret) and took a job in retail management. I went down a rabbit hole of depression at that time. But L and I still emailed back and forth. Sometimes there would be months between responses but we still spoke. At my darkest times, I was ashamed to tell her what was going on in my life, so I just wouldn't respond to her email. I kept telling myself that once something interesting happend, I would email her. Nothing happened for another 6ish months. I finally emailed her back and waited for her. 4, 6, 8 months pass. A year passes and nothing. I sent L a follow up. Another 6 months go by and nothing. Today I emailed 1 last time. I'm afraid my best friend has outgrown me. It hurts so bad.
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