One word to describe how I feel today is....

tired

Relieved

Awake- lol way to early

Lol ok. Same

Tired and thinking about things in life

Yesterday's conversation. Got me sad

Tired

Frick everything-ish

Ashamed

Glad autism acceptance month is almost over.

I have come to be very ashamed of being autistic let alone of myself period.

It is hard to not feel this way given that being autistic is partly why my best friends have shunned me the last 5 years, why we are still estranged, why everyone else hesitates to hang out with me, why nearly every social gathering I planned has fallen through, why I am essentially unhireable and unlovable, why every single mistake I have ever made is constantly used against me.

How can I accept it when it has essentially been a repellent my whole life. I was diagnosed at age 3, I'm 33 now. I accepted it at one point but can't anymore; not when I have caused those I care about too much grief, pain, aggravation, annoyance.

I am to the point I truly believe I am a very horrible, repulsive, terrible, barely tolerable person :(

Fuck people think that we are attention seeker when we struggle to survive