Feeling pretty unlovable
I was born with depression, anxiety, and adhd. All my life, I've struggled to feel ok. When I was little, they said I was a hypochondriac cuz I said my stomach hurt all the time. I was incredibly shy, and avoided even the semblance of bad behavior and being in public.
I withdrew into books, video games, and drawing. I gained weight early. I've never felt attractive. After my brother died when I was 11, I began to develop major depression and suicidal ideation. Puberty hit me like a ton of bricks. I was already older than my classmates, having been held back in kindergarten (my anxiety was so bad,I cried basically every morning before school. My mom had to fight me to get dressed and go.), so I was tall, overweight, acne covered, hairy, and very nerdy.
By middle school I was hospitalized twice for suicidal ideation. I had no self esteem. I felt like an ugly train wreck, and acted like it. I had to change schools because of it. My senior year, I meet a girl nearby. By our freshman year of college, we were engaged. We were together for nearly 8 years, and I felt some semblance of hope and happiness.
Tw: sexual assault
I didn't act like it, though. I took her for granted. I had little to no emotional regulation. Eventually, I found out she had been raped a year prior by this older guy who used to use her on webcam when she was a teen. He was the same age as the older kid who molested her as a girl. This was the same weekend we found out her mom had been hiding terminal breast cancer from us. She left me. I was a complete and total wreck, and she couldn't deal with me anymore.
I can't explain the guilt of running off someone you love at one of the most emotionally intense times in her life. After a few months, we had to deal with some financial things. We reconnected, and I tried so, so damn hard to be level. I helped her through her mom's death, and moving across state. She got pregnant, and it was really bad, so she aborted. I helped her as best I could through all this. I lost control again, and she said she didn't love me anymore.
I've tried so hard sense then to fill that void. I got back into playing music, reading, video games, writing, politics, work. Nothing helps. I feel like I've failed the most important person ever in my life. I've tried to date, but when I'm not getting rejected, I'm getting used. I've had sex once in the last three years. People think I'm this funny, confident, kind guy, but no woman in my extensive social network thinks of me as a potential partner. I can't hold down a job, can't stay in shape, people can't relate to my oddball tastes in music or tv, so despite being really well liked, I'm just not attractive.
No matter how many songs I learn to play, how much effort I put into game design, how much I try to get back into politics, how much therapy I do or the fist fulls of pills I shovel in my mouth,I feel empty and hopeless. The only thing keeping me alive is a sense of obligation to my parents and my cat. I can't so much as look at a female character model in a video game without feeling like there's an icy knife in my gut that leaves a burning, sucking wound. I'm already dead, I'm just waiting on the formality of the cessation of brain functions.
I feel like your the male version of me. And to know someone else has a heavy heart wrapped in regrets and pain also makes this life an inch more tolerable. I have a child who I can't even look at without a face full of tears because who could want a mother who doesn't even want herself. I'd take a hug from you any day. A broken heart is just a blink away and this one is crumbling as time drifts on. You are so important to the people in your life. You and your experiences in life have made me feel like there is a reason to wake up because you could help someone else have a purpose in life. You are the reason God made humans because you give life reason to exist.
Hi there,
Thanks for sharing, I feel you. You sound alot like me. At the moment i'm trying to get more involved in playing my violin, work and art,. All good distractions.
I know taking meds sometimes might make you feel worse, I'm on meds too. But i'm giving them a go and so far i'm feeling ok. You just gotta give them a chance.
Take care.
Thanks, Lucy. I love the violin. I've always wanted to learn the fiddle to play my culture's music, but I really love a four string quartet. We use the guitar for rhythm (pre-jazz music, so no drum sets, just guitar, washboard, and spoons), the fiddle and accordion carry the tune. But now distractions have the opposite effect. They make me too conscious that I'm trying to distract myself.
I've been on meds for years. Adderal is the only effective one. It doesn't make me feel better, but it makes it easier to keep up. most recent, I was also on Paxil and Wellbutrin. I don't have insurance and finally ran out after being on them for a couple years and I can't feel a difference. Off the top of my head, I've also been on Triliptal, Zoloft, lithium, Celexa, and at least half dozen more. Honestly, smoking weed all day every day helped me more, plus I couldn't remember my dreams, which was a bonus. I had to quit, and it's been difficult. I've seriously thought of moving out of state to where is legal. If I'm too messed up for anyone to love, if I can't enjoy anything in life anymore, and I can't kill myself because it'll hurt people who care about me, I may as well stay high
you are not unlovable.No one is. Everyone is deserving of love.
You are just having a difficult time, i'm in no way belittling what you are going through. But you have to think, there is light at the end. Believe me. It will get better, keep posting on here.
When I say unlovable, i specifically mean romantically. I've been told over and over i have too many problems for anyone to get close to me. i haven't been single for half a decade by choice. The kicker is that people think I'm this super confident, funny, smart guy. the people who are close to me and know my health issues say i need to be more confident. If that was even my problem, the catch there is i know that i,like any decent person, have worth. But i can't feel content or happy while I'm alone, and i barely feel it when I'm with someone. That issue drives women away. Practically no one, even women who are sympathetic to mental illness, wants to be with someone who is a validation pit.
i accept I'm in the 20% of people who have permanent depression, that in and of itself isn't the scary part. I'm not generally an especially pessimistic person. But it's a really bad idea for me to set myself up with false expectations in regards to finding a partner. That's the scary part, that i haven't had someone who wants to share their heart with me in five years, that before those five years someone who tried for almost a decade had to get away from me. There's depression giving people unrealistically low expectations of what they are capable of, and there's the over correction for that, and in the last few months me having unrealistic expectations of finding someone has nearly killed me.
I'm just unlucky. I find the only satisfaction in love, to me is the most special thing when another autonomous being decides to form something singular with you, but that makes me unappealing codependent. No college degree or career or hobby could ever come close to making me content to be alive.
I have my own issues too, i'm worried how this will effect my future relationships (if i have any!)
I want to make you feel better about things, to make you believe that it will come around one day. That everyone is deserving love. Someone out there is deserving of your love and you of theirs. But i know that is difficult to believe..it's hard to stay positive. But please, you must :)
I guess I have a hard time believing because the people I know who do meet someone don't have trouble dating, and the people like me that I know tend to stay single well into and passed middle age. If it takes me over a year to even just hook up with someone, and all the while I hear from women that I just have too many problems, that I can't hold down a job or how unmasculine it is that I need so much validation (while at the same time never getting the attention necessary to establish enough self esteem to be self validating), hearing second hand how all these different kinds of women from different backgrounds think I'm a good guy but no where near dateable, it makes it hard. I'm not seen as an attractive person by a social network that extends over 4 major cities where I've got a lot of friends and acquaintances.
I mean, I've seen guys who are straight up neo nazis with serious drug problems and dead end jobs take home girls, plural. Like, I'm not an evil person, or a repulsive person, but I'm far from desirable. I gotta accept that I'll never really have much if any physical/emotional satisfaction. It might be the only thing I really want out of life, and the only thing that ever makes me feel OK to be alive, but there's no special power in the world that's gonna make that a part of my life. We're at the whim of historical accident, and out of the billions of people in the world, some are just unlucky. The world isn't a just place.
If I don't accept that, it'll kill me. I'll keep getting false hope that I'll find someone that can accept someone who goes through multiple jobs a year, can't stay in shape, and has a form of depression that'll last three rest of his life, that he will always feel terrible about himself no matter how much he knows intellectually he's a regular person. The chances of that are slim to none. Most women close to my age have already had a boyfriend or husband like me, and don't want another seriously draining emotional burden
It's hard, but there is someone out there who is understanding of your situation. When i read this i had a quick thought.." Would I be able to understand someone like that?" and my VERY quick answer was "Well, yeah! We've all been there..some more than others and worse. But I can understand."
I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who thinks like that (and btw you're totally cute!)
Sometimes a relationship can help, but it shouldn't be the main reason for you wanting one. You need to talk to the right people (GP, clinical psychology, etc) and if you form a relationship while getting that help. involve your partner as much as you can/as much as they are comfortable with.
