Emptyness
After years of staggered sexual abuse, I feel like a taxidermied fish.
i was gutted time and time again, just to be stuffed and push on a show by my family.
fucking fake as fuck is how i feel.
its hard to talk about because only people who have experienced that kind of abuse understand, and through all the love in my life, there is a hole where there is just so much anger brewing and fucking ready to burst out of my pours.
I feel like a bad person for talking about it.
Today I was driving home and comftorblynumb came on the radio. during the solo all I did was scream.
HUGS to you Sarah...yes you are right. its hard to talk and only people who have experienced it can understand that pain..
I can understand that there is lots of anger inside you.. But we need to try and express.. and let that anger come out in healthy way..
screaming is good way for that. You need to talk with empathic people to let out things from your mind..And you are not bad person when you talk about it..
Ever since I lost the love of my life in 2009, I've felt empty, like there was a huge hole in my heart that no one could fill, and believe me, I tried to find someone who did. And the more time that passed, the worse it got. To this day I have trouble talking, at first it was not being able to find the right word, or minor stuttering, now I just hate talking because I can't find the right words AND very bad stuttering/using the wrong words uncontrollably. It happens every year around her birthday (October)and December, but as December approaches, it gets worse. For the past month it's been terrible. I'm in therapy, but I don't talk about it much, I mean, my therapist knows that she existed and that she's dead, but she doesn't know that I was in love with her. I've never been able to really talk about it, and all I used to do was think about her, and try to kill myself to be with her, but now I don't really think about it, and when I do I push it out of my mind, and I don't try to kill myself anymore, although cutting still seems to be a problem. I had stopped for 6 months, but I just couldn't take it anymore. Anyways, things are better, at least I'm not crying and suicidal all the time anymore, but I still feel that emptiness.
Sarah, i totally agree with what youre saying about not knowing if youve never lived it. I made a mistake of saying something similar to my counselor and she got a strange look on her face , like i dont know, like i pissed her off or something but she didnt say anything so im not sure. I was sexually molested by my father as a kid and im a guy. I hope things can get better for you.
im sorry to hear of your misfortunes. As far as the counselors go, I would get a new one. That counselor made you question things, and that was not very professional. She should have a neutral face on at all times. I would really consider it,
I can understand the traumas of sexualviolence. It's not very fun and the jumble of emotions you have afterwards can be hard to distinguish. A lot of times, we're made to feel like we can't be angry or upset over what has happened because anger is often seen as a negative emotion. We're not suppose to feel angry at ourselves, other people, the world, etc. The truth is that we do.What I want you all to know is that what youfeeling is completely understandableand that it's okay to feel angry or distressed. After something like that, it's rather difficult not to be affected in any way and to come out without a scratch (physically, mentally, or emotionally.)Rainn.org lists anger as a common reaction for those whohavesuffered from sexual abuse (although this link says childhood, I'd say that it's applicablefor both childhood and adulthood experiences.) It can be a method to protect ourselves by keeping other emotions at bay,because we feel angry that someone has violated us in such way, angry that we weren't protected from it, or just angry for reasons we can't put into words.
Whatever it is, it's okay to be angry, hurt, upset, etc. and want to express that just to let it out because if you keep in it, it will just stay there. From experience, it's hard to move forward when you're still stuck with all those emotions because that becomes normal after a while, and normal is hard to change. If it helps to speak with someone who understands, you can browse the listener page to see which listeners have listed sexual violence, traumatic experiences, or sexual abuse as their category/in their profile.
For outside resources, rainn.org is a US-basedchatline/hotlineI've used before, and it's quite helpful. It also lists international resourcesas well. Forum/resource-based websites are also aftersilenceand pandora's project.
Im literally on the brink of tears just knowing that there are people out there who share my story, and suffer from abuse, Its such an awful thing, but i feel so fucking less alone right now.
like for the first time im really being heard and understood.
@Sarahwhatamievendoing
I'm glad that you are feeling heard and understood. You have every right to talk about what happened and how it has affected you. It doesn't mean that you are bad or terrible for doing so. You are human and have the right to talk to someone to get support whether it's on the forums or with a listener. I hope that you will be able to find someone or a place you are comfortable speaking about these things.
If you don't want to reach out and just want to vent to yourself, I've found the thoughts room to be very helpful because I can watch what I type crumble. It's oddly satisfying, but you can use other methods such as journaling, drawing, writing out thoughts & throwing it away, etc. Whatever it is, you are allowed to express your anger and feelings.
