Depression Community - How do you actually feel today?

I feel like happiness is a myth.

I am really scared having a panic attack again

I have hit rock bottom, again and again, and each time I honestly am grateful for it, because I now have that experience and I now know how to help others. My happiness may be compromised but I don't care, because while everyone else may find my daily life difficult, I find joy in the most simple forms. I've started self-harming again, and unfortunately I can't bring myself to care about myself anymore.

I honestly just don't know what to do anymore. Every single time I try, try so hard to get past my depression something comes along and makes it worse. I have tried to enjoy the little things in life but it seems a waste of time... All I feel as though I'm in the way, causing trouble, seen as nothing more than a pest. My mum God bless her, is always trying to make me see otherwise, but when people, especially your own family make you feel like this, how can you even change? I just know inside I'm numb, sad and lonely, I can't pretend anymore, I can't keep putting on this act...

Stagnant in this perpetual nothingness.

I feel numb, like this body isn't mine. I just want to end up all this, I can't stand this feelings anymore.

I called in sick yesterday because I couldn't make myself get out of bed. I don't often do that, and haven't in months. But yesterday I just couldn't people. So I made an excuse that I was sick and now everyone today is telling me I still don't look well. If only they knew what I really felt like on the inside...

I'm feeling better today. I've found some ways to distract myself when I'm having dark thoughts again. And my grandparents are here, they make me feel happier. Also, there's this boy making me happier. He puts a smile on my face even when I think I can't ever smile again.

Yesterday was my birthday. It was a normal day for me. But somehow I'm sad

I hate when I wake up feeling this way. Like I'm the only person left on earth. Like nothing I can do matters. Lime I do matter to anything. What's the point why keep trying. I wonder why is it I keep putting myself through all this hell. It's not like anyone would miss me they would have to no I was there first. I thought I was a good person. I thought I had a purpose but all that's gone. I keep holding on to the hope that it will come back. I will find me reason to keep going but still I wait. When will it be my turn. When will I wait up from this nightmare and go back to living that life I once loved, where people noticed me where I brought joy to my family. I was loved once a long time ago by many people for many reasons. I not even sure when that stopped or why. It's like I am on the outside looking down on this imposter this isn't me this is who I am but nothing I do seems to bring back the me I miss so much. I just want me back. I don't want to feel empty and alone I don't want to feel worthless. I want to matter again. How much strength does it take to do that I am running out fast. Just want it to be over I don't want to hurt anymore.