why am i the way i am?

I am so sorry that you are feeling so rotten right now. Depression is totally not dependent on your life circumstances. It is based in brain chemicals that have gotten slightly off. Blaming yourself for that is kind of like blaming yourself for a broken leg or a heart condition.

What kinds of things are you trying to do to help yourself? @Sebastian0o0

@bestVase7265 im not doing anything to help myself im just trying not to start another substance addiction

Well, that is a version of helping yourself so that is actually a good start. How are you doing on eating well and drinking water, etc.? Just doing those basics can really help because without them your brain doesn't have the energy to fight. @Sebastian0o0

@bestVase7265 my eating is horrible tbh like i barely eat anything and when i do its usually something unhealthy and i only really drink water but i dont drink that much but overall drinking is good 

So your goals for tomorrow are simple then - drink more water (set a timer if you need to) and make at least one meal a healthier one.

Start little and make these a daily habit. You can grow from there.

We believe in you here and want to be your cheering squad.

Check back often. You can do this. @Sebastian0o0

@Sebastian0o0 I understand how you feel, I myself too wonder as a teen, believe me it's hard, I don't know if I have it, all we can do is think of the good and treasure it.