oh how i long to be yours
you never will be able to understand the number of times I long to be able to be yours, to know you and to love you, and to be loved in return. the number of times I rub away an ache in my chest simply from seeing something that reminds me of what I’ve wished for and not received.
it’s not quite being in love but it’s the closest thing to love that i’ve been able to label without healing new cuts or bruises. the simple nudge and nostalgia that follows is relentless in its pursuit as life moves me away.
sometimes I’m scared that I’ll lose this but then I feel another wave of longing and am reminded that my mind doesn’t forget things as easily as I think it does.
💔💔🫶🏻🫶🏻
I am so sorry for such a rough day. Mine was equally bad. Maybe it was just a day that was destined to be rough. I hope that today was a bit better for you. Mine was a little more even.
Come here to get that bad stuff out any time that you want. It is what this site is here for. It is better than letting it bounce around your head like a wrecking ball.
I am sorry your "best" friend and your brother were too self absorbed to realize they were hurting you. You did make a statement by walking away which was good. She will get the message a little maybe and rethink it later.
I know it begins to feel after a while like everyone depends on you and you don't have anyone that you can do that with. Those people can really emerge very slowly in your life because they make so many mistakes along the way. You do find people you can trust but you end up sometimes having to forgive them a few hundred times first (not that you should be doing any forgiving at the moment).
With your brother you can be blunter. Say you had a bad day and his comments hurt even more than usual. Tell him that there are things you could call him right now but won't because you know they would hurt him. If he says something like "you shouldn't take it so seriously" he is gaslighting you. Tell him that.
You will go up and down a bit. I hate the rollercoaster too. But you are headed a better direction.@StarrySkies1236
I am sorry that your day was as bad, but am glad the next one was a little better.
Yes, that’s something that I tend to do when I have the physical space.
It is not on you that they’ve made these mistakes and I did try to let her know that I will be walking away without making excuses if it happens again. I think she doesn’t fully realize how badly it hurt me yet. I’ve gone through patches where I had one person out of many that gave what I give back to me but they never last long.
And I think having teases of it hurts more than not having anyone at all. I have a couple people I can trust but no one that is my one person, and I’m not going to lower my standards for people I don’t really want to be closer with at the end of the day.
That brother just doesn’t think about other people and how they feel when he says things. And if he does, he uses it to get attention. The youngest brother said almost the exact same thing and then started crying when I said something back in a restrained tone. He tends to function like he’s the only one with feelings or that the world revolves around him, and I did definitely modulate my tone and control my words. all three of them have said things along the same lines and I’ve tried to communicate that but they just don’t think about my feelings. If I tried to talk to him, I would most likely end up being the one in trouble. He also tends to overreact about things.
I don’t want to hold this thing with ‘best friend’ over her head but I also am not going to let her walk over me like others have. @bestVase7265
How have things been going for you lately? I am slowly able to get back onto 7 Cups now that I have electricity and internet. @StarrySkies1236
Uhmmmm pass. I’m so glad that you have electricity and internet, how much would you say is left in good condition for you? @bestVase7265
I am going to just need to say that I see your post and am thinking about you for the next few days. I apologize.
We are due to take a direct hit from the hurricane after a glancing blow from Helene a few weeks ago and I am not in a good mental spot at the moment. We will also probably lose internet and power on Wednesday for several days. But I am trying.
Don’t feel bad, I’ll be thinking of you as well and praying that you stay safe during the hurricane and that you have friends/family with you irl. You can be in a not great mental state and take breaks from messaging, I do the same. Thank you for saying something as I understand life is crazy right now and you will be in my prayers. 🫶🏻 @bestVase7265
@bestVase7265
Thinking of you and your family. Praying you all are safe and have each other through this storm. (Literally and metaphorically) 🫶🏻🫶🏻
I know it may be meant to be somber but I feel your writing to be a beautiful sentiment.
@BrundleFly23 I have learned that it can be both. And having it be both can be more beneficial than conflicting.
I have had to deal with people saying things about him that weren’t necessarily correct, which made me spiral, things that were correct and made my heart ache and caused me to smile at the same time, things that I didn’t want to hear because it meant that no one really paid attention to how I acted, and things that weren’t surprising but still hurt. Having a space to grieve and reflect using words is a blessing. Thank you for sharing that and I’m glad that it spoke to you 🫶🏻
I am okay but we have no internet, no electricity and no clean water. I am hoping to be back on soon and actually read messages but it may be a few days.
So glad to hear that you are okay. Praying that you get everything restored and people there to help with the resources you need. @bestVase7265
Ok. I am back again. We finally had power and internet restored late yesterday. I am slowly attempting to find a new cruising speed emotionally.
How have you been?
Yayyyyyyyy.
That is 100% okay and that’s to be expected from anyone in your position. Have patience with yourself because none of us know how to get back to ‘normal’.
Uhmmm I’m surviving and kinda doing what I need to be doing but I’m not great. How are you feeling with all the hurricane stuff? @bestVase7265
I was doing better overall, but last night it all collapsed again when my mom broke her knee. We will catch a break sometime.
Glad to hear that you are surviving. Sometimes that is the best that we can do.
Well I’m glad you’re seeing progress, even if it’s short lived. That sounds terrible, praying for a fast recovery and a peaceful time for all of you. As my friend said, “we’ll sleep when we’re dead”, we’ll get breaks once we’re dead 😂
🫶🏻 thinking of you guys
@bestVase7265
Thanks! We'll sleep when we are dead feels oddly appropriate. We are with my mom now until Wednesday so she can have surgery.
I hope things are going well for you. @StarrySkies1236
Hope you can get some rest physically and emotionally. Praying her surgery goes well.
Thank you. @bestVase7265
Never once did I ever think I would be longing this much for someone here. Never once would I ever have guessed that you would become this hole in my chest. This one thing that makes me ache in a way no one else can. God I miss you.
I am so sorry for the hurt. It doesn't go away easily and it does it on its own time frame. But you are slowly getting stronger. You just can't see it yet.
Sending peace and strength tonight. @StarrySkies1236
There was a biannual event last night and the first one without him there. Which is weird because I haven’t known him for long but I clearly got used to him being there. I’ve been able to see my growth and it’s been better since I can see it but the (emotional) pain surprised me. @bestVase7265
It will continue to surprise you a bit. It rarely pops up when you are expecting it so it takes a while to work through it again.
I hope that today was better. @StarrySkies1236
I’m slowly getting better but I go up and down pretty often. Hope everything is getting better for you 🫶🏻 @bestVase7265
About the same. On the roller coaster and want to get off. But it gets better slowly but surely. @StarrySkies1236
That is a very good way of describing it. I also hate roller coasters and get motion sick so, tis ironic.
I’ve gotten more open about -the guy- with a couple friends but whenever I try to be strategic and quiet about saying his name they keep saying it loudly. 🫠 One friend in particular has a situation with a friend of his and she tried stalking him ( -the guy- not the friend ) on soci. medi. to no avail 😂 Still stuck on the family stuff though @bestVase7265
Why can’t I just be able to be a kid again? Why can you not treat me like a kid when I am being wistful? Maybe I might want to go out. You’d never know because apparently I’m too old for it.
I am also not a fan of roller coasters.
Sorry that your family is being a bit rough in terms of Halloween. We are never really kids again but when I went walking (not in costume) there were as many adults in costumes as kids. Some people just don't understand the need to dress up for the night. Maybe next year try to find a party you can go to. There are other spots to do Halloween stuff, but you have to look for them.
Sorry that friends keep bringing up names that hurt. Sending lots of peace and hugs when that happens. @StarrySkies1236
I hand out candy every year and have done so for almost three years now. The baby of my siblings wants my mom to go with him every year even though he’s now 9. None of my friends invite me to things so I just have to get over it. 🤷🏻♀️
Sending peace and hugs back 🫶🏻 @bestVase7265
Do you dress up to hand out the candy? It might help a little if you had a cool costume for people to comment on.
But high school and Halloween is just a bit rough in general, I think. I hope that you got some good candy anyway and today has been better. @StarrySkies1236
I wanted to but the costume I was going to wear my grandmother said she’d dye and then never got to it in time. Yeah I thought about doing that but didn’t have enough in me to try.
:/ Thank you. Hope that you’ve gotten a little relief from the back and forth @bestVase7265
Some, the roller coaster is maybe a little slower. Sometimes it is a little hard to tell, isn't it? @StarrySkies1236
Yes. sometimes you can get lured into a false sense of security and other times it’s just not clear enough. @bestVase7265
For me, it's also the reverse. I don't trust that things that are going okay might continue in that direction. It keeps me hyper alert so I don't enjoy the present as much as I could.
Things are getting better for both of us. We just have to trust it. @StarrySkies1236
I think that anyone with past experience of not so great things gets a little paranoid or distrustful when things are better. Living in the present isn’t ever easy but we’re both getting better at it. 🫶🏻 @bestVase7265
Until horrible election results make us fear for the future. Sigh. Well I am going back in my cave for a few days of anxiety and depression. But I will keep trying. @StarrySkies1236
Praying that things won’t get worse for you and y’all can rest easy for a bit. @bestVase7265
I’ve been thinking of you. Praying for peace and sending light your way. 🫶🏻 @bestVase7265
Thanks so much for thinking of me. The hole is still there but I am starting to feel little bits of occasional light.
How about you? @StarrySkies1236
It’s getting to the busy season but I’ve been able to snag mornings and bits of time for myself. Better than previous weeks.
I’m going to see “the guy” tuesday and idk how that is going to go so I’m trying to prepare myself for seeing him again. I might get overstimulated and I assume that whole thing will go by too fast.
I’m trying to avoid leading other guys on because I know my feelings and I can see a few people who I can tell like me. The struggle of being a girl in this age unfortunately.
@bestVase7265
Whenever you see him again, it will go by fast and it will be different than you are expecting without a doubt. But it will help you continue to heal.
It's okay to turn away from other guys right now unless you suddenly become interested. Trust your instincts and tell them that you aren't into any relationships at the moment if they seem to think there is something more there.
Remember you are in the driver's seat.@StarrySkies1236
Luckily I have a therapy appointment that morning so I might be able to talk it through with her (my therapist). The problem isn’t that guys are asking me out but they’re hanging near me or texting me. Which isn’t like clear enough that I can go and say anything to them and I just try to be at least a little closed off. @bestVase7265
Yes, those awkward moments when you can't tell what they are trying to do exactly (and they rarely know either) are tough. Some advice from the therapist sounds good. @StarrySkies1236
@bestVase7265
How has the last 72 hours been? I’ve been thinking of you and sending y’all light. 🫶🏻
I think I might start writing letters on top of continuing to post here. ( about the guy ) I wrote one but haven’t had the time and motivation since.
I also think I’m going to start working. My family all seems to be thinking less of me because of the driving thing and I also need to start making strides. One of my government class assignments got graded far above what I thought it would get and I’m going to try to make up the work (without even improving the grade) to prove to myself that making effort is important. I might ask my mom if I can be put on antidepressants because the last two weeks I have been stuck in a funk (like a numb funk) and it’s gotten tiring.
Sorry that I didn't see this post until now. I should have been paging down more. It looks like you are making strides on lots of fronts.
Figuring out how to drive it tough. It takes a bit longer than when your parents were learning. Its okay. @StarrySkies1236
No worries. I understand how it’s harder to focus on cups when life is crazy.
I have been trying to. And I got the job at t j max that I think I told you about!
Thinking about y’all and sending light still @bestVase7265
I am so happy that you got that job! What a great experience that will give you! It won't always be fun, but it is good to learn a bit how the work world works. @StarrySkies1236
I have a feeling and I hope that I’m thinking the right things, but hopefully I will be doing a lot of organizing and recovery. Which is the main reason I applied. It’s only a few days out of the week, when I’m at my mom’s, but it’s something! @bestVase7265
That's all you need is a few days a week. It is good to get out of the house and do something different. You should feel quite accomplished. @StarrySkies1236
Thank you. 🤍 @bestVase7265
@StarrySkies1236
i miss you. and it really hurts to think of another year like this. when i have to fight to find my place and no one meets me in the middle consistently. i miss you. and it really hurts to think of you not missing me. i miss you. and i will always wish that you’re by my side. when i’m the outcast and sounding discordant among the chorus of everyone. i miss you. and my heart breaks more when i remember that you don’t even give me a second thought. i miss you. and i will always remember what you last said to me. when i get caught up in daydreams, or in my own hopes, i will remember that. i’ve loved the bits of you that i’ve seen and will continue loving you but i can be honest with myself and admit i don’t really know you. and i will always want to know you. i don’t know whether i’m glad i don’t see you or if i hate it. i’m confused. and not just about you. i really wish i wasn’t just your old classmate. or your friend’s friend. but would’ve should’ve could’ve i guess.
i wish i could be like them. to not be self conscious with him. but you would probably make a joke and try to move away from him. you would have managed to make everyone see differently and i miss you. my heart breaks that you have had to deal with that for so long and how much rejection aches. and i know that you both deserve better. so for your sake i hope you can move on. and for my sake i selfishly hope that i can be the one that helps you heal
one more day since i’ve started this journey. one more day where i’ve wished for you and crashed back down to earth when i’ve wanted to stay in my clouds for years
i get to see you again. i’m not sure what my feelings are going to do. i’m ofc happy but i’m not that excited to start the cycle of emotions again. i wish i could be texting this to you instead of in a doc out of my many different collections. but most of my wishes don’t seem to be what life has in store for me rn. i’m really tired. of people. and i know you would have understood some of it, with several people coming to mind. sometimes it feels like i’ve made you up, that i created a whole person in the hopes that they would be able to love me the way i’ve longed for. but i can’t stop hoping and wishing. and i hope that you see that as strength and not weirdness
i never know what to say with you. and i never know what you think of me and it tears me apart. sometimes i forget and i ache to think of it when i remember. and other times i overthink until i can't remember what is true and most likely true.
I am having trouble posting here. Sending peace. @StarrySkies1236
Two quick thoughts - One is that you don't know how your first love is feeling. What is going on in their heart will always remain a great mystery no matter what they say or have said to you. Two is that you deserve someone who loves you back fully and completely. Never settle for less than that. You are too special to be ignored or forgotten about.
Keep working on healing. You are getting there slowly but surely. @StarrySkies1236@StarrySkies1236
Thank you. 🫶🏻
Hoping you can get some rest and peace this week.
@bestVase7265
Actually doing a little better today. How about you?@StarrySkies1236
I’m glad! Still thinking of you and sending light. I’m okay, not great. @bestVase7265
One day at a time. Sending peace. @StarrySkies1236
Checking back in. Going up and down on the roller coaster and it seems to change which direction rather often. How are you doing? How has this week been?
@bestVase7265
Glad to hear from you. Doing a bit of the roller coaster myself. I think this time of year is always like that. But overall things are okay, just stressful. @StarrySkies1236
Sending light your way and hoping you can get some peace for yourself. Yeah, sometimes life is just life-ing and is chaotic no matter who you are or where you are. I’m glad things are okay.
@bestVase7265
@StarrySkies1236i don't know I can't believe in such feelings anymore, I don't even know what are like, how does it feel to care for someone or to show sympathy, empathy, love, well I am still trying to figure out but that will never mean that I will change my mind, I believe I was born to be alone and embrace solitude, I think it is just about each one of us trying to find a form of peace in specific ways ☺
@Anchor107by the way don't worry, I believe that such feelings last long and they come with the right people at the right time, there will always be people who care for you.
@Anchor107
It’s okay to feel like you can’t remember the feelings. Sometimes that’s how it goes. But eventually you will have someone who you will feel safe with and someone who you will love. And maybe they will come in and out of your life. But we don’t think things are beautiful because of how long they last. Hoping that you find your routine in the middle of your solitude and through the weeks to come, you find little things that remind you of those close to you. Keep your heart open because people tend to come around when we least expect it. Sending light and peace.
Another transition day. Another day of stress and cleaning before leaving for my dad’s. And guess what? This time I was the one leading. And I did quite a damn good job. All three brothers were cleaning. But I’m not implying that I would be a better mother, nope, not me.
Also, we missed church! All because we needed to clean and none of them had done any extra cleaning the last two days. And I had been working all three days. So I couldn’t make them clean. Mom had tried but they had just been sitting around and making more of a mess. And on the one day where almost everyone was home from college! How lucky am I?
Anyway back to cleaning and packing up. I spent around an hour or so combined looking for my one headphone case. Asked everyone multiple times and even asked my brother to look in the car! No one helped or offered to help, and my mom seemed to think it unimportant. So as I’m going around for the tenth time it seemed, I look at the desk.
Bam! I hit my head loudly on the cabinet, and wait for the vague question of ‘are you ok’ that I need to wave off. Except no one notices. Not my dad behind me, not my mom, and absolutely none of my brothers. That stings more than the actual pain from hitting my head.
After I blink away the tears and wrap my feelings away again, I head out to leave and think to myself, ‘Why don’t I check where my brother and I have already checked..’ And right there, in full view of anyone looking at the footwell, is my case. I asked my mom twice where it was and she had most likely looked there before driving home, but did she notice or say anything?
Oh heck no. Why would anyone notice anything about me or something I ask about?
@StarrySkies1236
I genuinely don't know how to explain to you that this isn't your fault, that looking at this almost made me cry because you seem like such an amazing person and you don't deserve to be treated like this.
It's clear that you're *** about it, and I think that anger is kinda being turned on yourself? Like the way you were describing your family wasn't the nicest picture, then at the end you sort of blame yourself for their behaviour towards you.
Don't do that.
I'm not going to justify, or give excuses for why they act like that-I can't since I don't know them and I don't want to either, because that isn't something that can be justified (imo).
The family I grew up with (my biological one) is like that. I'm currently still living with them, and I go through *** every day. Last year I decided I gotta start pulling away, but it's not easy. It's not like I can just walk out, I'm not a legal adult and I don't have where to go, So I started with simple things, like that I don't call them 'my' family. To their face, to avoid being beaten, I say 'my'. With my friends,, or in my head, I say 'the'.
I've entirely stopped thinking of them; their birthdays, or how my attitude might hurt them, or how my grades will get me in trouble with the parents. I hide my grades, fake permissions, if they ask about school I give them the most vague information.
Basically, I cut them off in my head until I'm old enough to cut them off in real life. It doesn't stop me from blaming myself, even when it should be clear that it's their fault, but it's a step.
I'm just saying, it might help if you try to not think of them (unless you want to) because once their influence is gone you won't have problems to blame on yourself.
I don't know if this is useful, or offensive, I'm really sorry
Thank you. I’m not in the right headspace to respond but I appreciate the advice, and honestly I just needed to get it out. If you can’t tell, I try to write my feelings out and sometimes it ends up here.
That sounds like a really frustrating day where people that should have cared didn't. I am sorry that they made you feel so horrible.
What would happen if you didn't clean? I would force your brothers into the guilt trip. I'd also tell your mom how upsetting you found everything from no one helping you when you lost something important to you hitting your head.
May your holiday tomorrow go better. Sending peace. @StarrySkies1236
