hi, been unactive, just rejoined

But it does matter. You matter. We are sorry that you are struggling. Many of us have been down that road.

It is great that you have come back.

This particular spot is a slightly slower way to communicate, but a really good one. If you post more to this thread (avoid starting a new one) then I will respond to it. I do so every 24-48 hours but I am really regular with support.

Did you want to say more of what is going on? @thatweirdfallkid

@bestVase7265

thanks sm

i'm having a really hard time with relationships, and i mean, i always have, which kinda makes it worse.  i haven't been able to keep a friend for more than 3 years.  i see so many people with lifelong friends, or friends they've had since high school or college, and i'm just starting to feel like that's not going to happen for me, that i'm going to end up as that forgetable person on the street who never goes anywhere or hangs out with anyone or has any fun.  i feel like people only want me around as long as they're interested in me, and then they'll just leave once they get bored or decide i'm not interesting enough.  and i don't want to change myself for other people, but i feel like i'm never going to find anyone who's going to stay.  i don't find pleasure or joy in anything anymore, and i don't see things getting better for me.  i started meds but they're not working so far, and it's stressful that it could take so long to find something that helps.  i don't feel good about my therapist, she doesn't really understand me or my needs and she doesn't really give me any advice, but i feel guilty about looking for a new therapist i've been seeing this one for about six sessions maybe now and my mom had a really hard time finding her.  i also have issues with my parents that i won't go into bc i don't want to overload this.

Ok, that sounds like a bunch of things right now. I am sorry that you are struggling. It does take a while for medication to work and to find the right therapist. Being patient is hard.

Your brain is lying to you about not being interesting enough or only having friends for brief intervals. You don't know what the future is going to hold. You don't have to change yourself for other people. Sometimes you have to try a few new things to find other interests, but you can find people who will like you for who you are. 

What kinds of things are you doing to care for yourself right now besides the therapy and the medication? 

@bestVase7265

not much, i don't really know how to take care of myself.  i mostly just try to relax- read, play guitar, etc- but it doesn't help my anxiety much.

One thing that your brain really does is try to convince you that stuff doesn't matter. But that stuff is actually central to healing.

It took me a long time to realize that those few minutes of not panicking or being depressed (maybe 15 minutes here and there) were more important than the 23 hours of *** that the rest of the day was. When I began praising and focusing on those few minutes, then the time I was in agony started decreasing. The 15 minutes became a half hour and then an hour.

So make all of your hobbies regular practices that you do every day. If one isn't working currently then try a new one. You can find things that help. 

How have things been?

@bestVase7265

hey, thanks for checking in (: things have been okayish.  how are things with you?

Okayish is good. What in particular has been okayish? Sometimes focusing on that and your willingness to admit it starts to fix your brain a bit.

Me unluckily has been a bit of the reverse with a long lasting head cold that has just burst into full bloom again. I am hoping that I am not making everyone around me sick. Anyway, I am going to trust that tomorrow will be the day things start to turn around.@thatweirdfallkid

@bestVase7265

my headspace has been pretty bad this week, but nothing very bad actually came up really, at least there were only minimally triggering things.  so i guess it was okayish that way.

aw i'm sorry about that, hope you feel better.  maybe it's allergies?

Unluckily just a head cold. A bit better tonight than last night. We will go with that and hope for more improvement tomorrow.

I am glad that you didn't have anything particularly triggering this week. That is a victory.

What kinds of things do you do when you get into that bad head space? Sometimes having a plan of action can help a bit. 

@bestVase7265

none of the methods i've tried really help.  the most i can do is hold an ice pack and try not to lose it

So what methods have you tried? The ice pack one sounds interesting. @thatweirdfallkid

@bestVase7265

i don't even remember them all, some were mindfulness techniques like clenching my feet and then legs and going up and releasing it, some were visualisation techniques like thinking of the ocean.  we also tried a white noise machine and pretty much all the herbal supplements you can think of to decrease stress hormones.

How long did you try each one? It takes several weeks before any one technique is going to have a solid impact.

The key is to keep trying techniques, not give up. It took me about 2 years before I came up with a workable set of techniques that I could count on for the depression and the stress/panic. 

I am going to start with that ice pack one you mentioned. I know for panic attacks, drinking some ice water was one thing that really calmed my brain. I never did the ice pack, but I can imagine it helping in the same way. Because that might be helping a bit, you could try the classic sense count - when you begin to feel stressed count five things you can see, four things you can hear, three things you can touch, two things you can smell and one thing you can taste. Do this every day several times for multiple weeks.

Your brain wants you to dismiss everything as "not working" really quickly. You have to be really patient with it.

I can also suggest a number of physical things that you can do that could help as well. I believe that you can feel better. We just have to find what works for you.

@bestVase7265

thanks, yeah i spent weeks trying different methods, including the five senses one.  the two therapists i've had are both cbt therapists, and i just don't really feel it's the right approach for me personally, but i'm not sure what else to try really.  plus since i'm still a minor i'd have to ask my mom to change our current therapist, and i just don't really think it'd go well.  i know this wasn't the last therapist she had on her list to try, but i don't really think she'd be very okay with having to keep looking into others.

CBT can be tough, especially the day that you do it. My brain had an easier time with it a few days later. How long have you been with your current therapist?

Okay, so you have tried the one sense one. Good. The reason that I suggested it was being if holding ice helps then that is very much a sense experience that is briefly shocking your brain away from the stress and panic. I thought that the sense focus might help, but it is okay if it doesn't.

Let's see if we can come up with more ideas for you. I know ultimately when I stopped trying to control my thoughts and I focused strictly on actions that I saw more improvement. What kinds of things do you DO to distract yourself - hobbies, etc.?@thatweirdfallkid

@bestVase7265

i've been with my current therapist for i think 6 or 7 sessions, maybe more, i can't remember.

thanks, yeah holding ice doesn't help very much, it's just that i dissassociate so much to the point where i physically can't feel anything, so i try to kind of shock my nerves i guess by holding something really cold if that makes sense.

sometimes i play videogames, or read.  they don't calm me down but it's something to just do yk

Yes, the shock of holding something cold is perfect. Now try drinking ice water or have a popsicle. It will do the same kind of thing. I found chewing on ice to really help for a bit.

Video games and things like that ARE helping. Your brain wants to tell you that they are a waste of time and shows that you won't get better. In reality, your brain is using that time to heal. You don't want to do it all day long, but taking breaks to do it can turn things around a bit.

Two things that helped me that may or may not help you. First, one online jigsaw puzzle daily. I use a site called Jigsaw Explorer. The puzzles are fairly east but they help me to see constantly that things I don't think I can solve I can, pieces that have no home actually do, etc. The same thing in true in real life. The other thing that has transformed me are daily walks outside. Even in the heat or cold, if I don't walk then my mental state is bad. But with both of these, it took weeks of trying for them to work.

6 or 7 visits is okay for a therapist, but also feel free to ask them during the next one how they think things are going. Do they see you two as compatible? Tell them you are a bit unsure. You aren't ready to throw in the towel yet, but are looking to stop feeling so rotten. Their response might help you figure things out. 

@bestVase7265

yeah i play tetris which i like.  i've done walks too and they're okay.

i'd feel kind of bad about asking my therapist if she really thinks she can help me.  i mean, when we first started she explained her approach and i let her know that my previous therapist was also a cbt therapist and that method wasn't working for me.  my current one doesn't seem to be familiar with another form of therapy.  she also just doesn't understand some things about me, for example my identity as a queer person.  so i dunno

Well not understanding you as a queer person is pretty problematic. You definitely need that part of you validated. What does your therapist not understand? 

It is great that you love tetris. I find that one harder because everything falls so quickly. But if that gives you some relief then I would do it daily. How often are you getting out walking? Again, a daily habit might help some. @thatweirdfallkid

@bestVase7265

my therapist basically doesn't know anything about queer culture besides same sex attraction, she doesn't seem to know anything about gender identity (she thought asexual was a gender identity), and i'm not under the impression that she's familiar with any other orientations besides straight, gay, and bi.

i don't go walking every day, i dunno i don't really have a schedule for it.  i usually walk around for a couple hours at my mom's homeschool meet ups, and sometimes i go on a walk for the day on weekends.

What would it look like if you shared some literature with your therapist about queer identity? It might give you a better idea of how she accepts or doesn't accept it. Tell her that you want her to be able to understand all sides of you. Her reaction will give you a good idea if she is the right therapist for you.

Walking may not be the path for you, but it could be. I think whatever you try to do, you will do better with a consistent schedule. Keep it for a few weeks to see if the brain thought patterns start to change. I know it can be hard to adapt and change, but the more that you are inside on the computer the worse things are usually overall. Nature (water, wind, sky) moves your brain in a better direction. @thatweirdfallkid

@bestVase7265

i'm still mostly closeted because my parents are transphobic and kind of disrespectful about gay people so if this therapist wasn't right for me with this issue i don't think i'd be able to switch.  i'm not sure of any queer literature i could share with her.  the few times gender identity and orientation have come up she seemed slightly uncomfortable with it, hesitating on some words and all.

That does make tons of sense. You are right - that won't be a reason your parents would understand in the least. I am so sorry that you aren't getting much support on that front.

Maybe with the therapist you can just use the language more and explain what the general world lack of acceptance means to you. It will help to possibly make her more understanding. It sounds to me like she wants to support you but she just doesn't know enough. That is very clearly her fault for not knowing, but give her the opportunity to grow herself. Therapy is sometimes a two way street.

How are you doing on getting outside? @thatweirdfallkid

@bestVase7265

i don't get outside as much as i'd like, mainly because i don't have anyone to go outside with.  i like hiking and just walking around, but it's not as fun when i'm alone.  just got a car and am getting my license soon though, so hopefully i'll be able to get out more.

I will reply below so our thread doesn't get too small to read.@thatweirdfallkid

@thatweirdfallkid Glad you're here! And I hope this time around you can feel more connection to others, I know I find that hard to do as well. Even if & cups isn't the right fit, never stop trying!!

@AnnaTheArtist thank you so much <3

I totally get the idea that walking by yourself can be lonely. It can be, especially at first. But when you make it a habit and you starting looking at the trees, birds, water then you begin to realize that you aren't really alone. There is a non-person world that is there too. I started out with just walking in my neighborhood but now I try to do a bit of bird watching as I go and that is surprisingly enjoyable.

It is great that you have your license and may be able to get out more now. That can really help.

I hope that you had a good day today.