Yesterday I told my mother about my childhood molestation and self harm

It all started with my mom retelling a story about a friend’s child being molested but not being able to remember much of anything. She basically said she thought the kid was lying or repeating a story her mother told, and I sighed and explained that it wasn’t uncommon not to remember; that I have a big blank spot where mine happened while I was still in elementary school being babysat by a friend of hers. It was the son who was several years older than me. I know how it started but nothing afterwards.

It shook her up quite badly, but I couldn’t stop myself then and told her about how I’d eventually exposed my little sister to it because of my own abuse and the huge amount of pornography my parents kept around the house which got us naturally curious- I can’t forget that part, but have a big blank spot after the time we were excited to show our parents all the stuff we’d learned because we didn’t know it was wrong yet.

Even then I couldn’t explain it word for word (just using the phrase “playing doctor”) I just couldn’t make myself say it more explicitly since it makes me feel so much shame, especially since my younger sister is so unstable as an adult now.

My self harm at the end of college was at least something she says I’m strong and brave for seeking treatment but now I feel even worse for saying anything to her.

She did suggest that she wanted to do some drugs now after hearing all of it, and I forced her to promise not to go out and find those drugs.

Now I’m trying to focus on prepping my place for a fumigation. If I’m lucky I’ll get most of it done today so I can visit my aunt and rest.