Why even bother with such a life ?
Hello everybody
for the past few weeks I've been thinking about my life so far and to be honest.......I hate it. Not only is life unfair but it's also cruel. When I think about my life I just ask myself "why did have to be like this" and yeah obviously this kind of thoughts and complaining about life won't change anything......I mean it is how it is but at the same time I'm just angry and sad about my situation.
I was born with a rare illness which basically can be summarized in a facial paralysis and club feet. To this day I have trouble swallowing food and drinks, can't properly move my eyes or fully open my mouth. I had to undergo multiple surgeries back when I was a child to correct my club feet........those surgeries left me traumatized and to this day I still get massive anxiety if I have to go to any doctor. My parents never understood this and tried to downplay it, told me to "man up" or just straight ignored my problems. Due to my disability many people stare at me and treat me like If I was a child although I'm 22 going for 23. Due to this I didn't really have many friends at school and rather lived more as an outcast and away from people.
If that wasn't hard enough on its own I also have a dysfunctional family. Parents that divorced when I was in high school. The legal battle was brutal. Yelling, screaming, insults etc. Thing that angered me the most about it was that my parents always said that they didn't want the children to get involved but........well didn't turn out that way because on multiple occasions I was told "tell your father/tell your mother", when the doorbell rang I had to go and answer it and relay messages, constant phone calls asking what the other was doing, when I got money for my birthday I was accused of basically spying on the other parent and getting money as a reward.....it was just brutal. Now a few years later things have calmed down a bit but still you get the occasional arguments.
I don't really have a good relationship with my parents and I don't really trust them and honestly at this point I just want to get away from my current enviroment.
But my life is just a huge mess. After I graduated high school I opted to enroll in a foreign university with the hope of getting as far away as possible but unfortunately covid hit and so I had to stay at home and do distance learning classes. I only lasted one semester in which I didn't even pass a single exam........I dropped out and was kinda lost. I decided to take an entry exam from an university that is nearby and by some miracles I managed to get in. On a closer look on websites of the university and the social circle around it I found out that it was actually a good opportunity to finally start over again, join a club or society and finally be more opened and able to enjoy life. I though to myself that eventhough I was still at home I could just spend most of my time at university and just come home at night to sleep...........well wrong. The first day of university my mother insisted on accompanying me to the university. I told her that I could do it on my own but she just kept arguing and she managed me to keep me long enough at home that I lost the train to university and so she just told me "oops look like I need to drive you there with my car. Let's go". You can imagine the embarrasment I felt as 21 year old dude getting accompanied by my mother up until the university building. The hope for a new start was crushed. During my first lecture I got an intense panic attack. Had to stop going to lectures and for about 2 years now I have been just here at home in my room hating my whole life meanwhile I still look at the university clubs and socities and watch all the pictures of past events that they held while I was here locked in my room doing nothing.........man I really hate my life.
At this point I'm just trying to find a job to earn some money and move out as quickly as possible because honestly it's just a lot to handle like all the missed opportunities and living as a recluse and then you got my parents telling me that I'm wasting my life and that these years should be the best years of my life and instead I'm just wasting them at home doing nothing.
Sometimes I ask myself why life has to be so cruel and unfair and honestly I really don't know why it is like that
