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Mdreaming101
10,035 M Pacing Forward 3
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts1,700 Forum posts244 Forum upvotes248 Current upvotes248 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2024 Member sinceMarch 30, 2021
Bio
Searching for my future. Scrolling. Clicking. Scanning. Quick reading. Writing. What did the data say? I’m screw.
Recent forum posts
daydreaming reflection
General Support / by Mdreaming101
Last post
 March 2nd
...See more Daydreaming is my coping mechanism that I become addict to, I don't want to let go. When I try, I feel a sense of crisis. This fear that I have tuck away in my closet begin to shake so bad I couldn't ignore it that I recall - I am afraid of humans, of other people, of their thoughts, and their words. I tell myself, other people don't matter but in truth, their thoughts, their words, their actions, weight so heavy in my mind. I ask why it matter so much, did I ever grow up? Will I always be this little lonely girl?  Chuckles. The little girl lived on the belief that one day, she will meet better people, be financially stable, find common friends, bond with a significant other, and together grow many little sprouts. Surely God won't forsake her. But she turns 30 and now wonder if this little girl ever grew up? Maybe the little girl just become better at lying to herself, believing in a false light. Everything she dreams, the passion, the faith - everything begin cracking n she knows she can't glue them back together. All she hopes for will never come and her dreams have already ended. What she is doing is the futile attempt to ignore reality, replaying loops of her daydream as time tick away. The more she hides the less she is able to face people and the less her confident is to function in life.  I am not only wither inside, I feel I cannot change my fate. 
I dont like to go on social media
General Support / by Mdreaming101
Last post
 December 5th, 2023
...See more I don't like to go on social media. I don't like to see what I'll never have.  The children I'll not hold.  The partner I'll not find, will not meet, will not wake up next to.  Maybe it's envy. Maybe it is my insecurity. I guess-it is all of them.  Maybe I can get all of that or so my mind told me. But it would take a miracle wouldn't it? I only hear people say the unexpected good things happen to them. It surely have not come out of my mouth and probably won't. 
What little I have
General Support / by Mdreaming101
Last post
 October 31st, 2023
...See more You said, I dont support you. You said, I dont share my thoughts. When I had spoken of my struggle, my pain I was ignore. I was not supported. You said, you dont want to be me. Over time, I just learn to accept it. To keep quiet. I have given you much. I ask so little of you. When you refuse to give, I let it go. I accept what little I have from you. You said, even if you dig out your heart for me I’ll not be satisfied. But you fail to see, I care enough to die for you. For any of you. I feel so tired that I just stop asking. But I still care enough to stay.
Disabled Father is the stress and the abuser
General Support / by Mdreaming101
Last post
 September 9th, 2023
...See more Family matter. My brother passed 2022 and left an accident settlement to my parents. My father who is disabled since 2015 from a stroke has always been a point of tension and drama in the family. He thinks that now he has $$ he can do whatever, use the money to fulfil his desire of going oversea to get a "cure" from a rural herbalist none of us even know, and not needing family support. Yet every time he has an issue, when his money couldn't get him the help he needs, when he is sick, and when he has emergency he always, always calls me; acting as if there has not been beef between us, as if he has never wrong me, never curse me out; claiming I do not love him. He had told me he does not need my help because all his help is coming from the agencies and programs in our community. So he doesn't care about what he say to me, being very abusive verbally. Claiming he did all this because I don't love him and mistreat him. Yet whenever, the agencies and programs could not fit him into their schedule or come weekly to help him go his shopping, he calls me every time demanding I fill in. Now the landlord called me, telling me he told the landlord he is moving out October. When I confronted him about this because he surely haven't told me, he acted all "I am smart" "I'm moving to S city where my not-blooded-related brothers are and they will not treat me how you and the brothers here has treated me" "I know what I am doing." Well he aint. He still has to pay his rent in October, at least the days he stays in October yet he is under the impression he will be out by October therefore no need to pay rent. I want to just cuss him out and tell him he's stupid. I asked him: where he going, who is coming to help him move, and did he secure another unit elsewhere. He would not tell me who; said the landlord will deal with his stuff LEFT BEHIND; said "they" will help him secure a unit after he get there. This is a BS plan. Totally will fail. We argued back and forth. I insisted he has to keep this place until he secure another unit two hours way (another town) where my distance uncles live. He refuses. I outline some scenario for him but his replied was, I don't care if I go homeless, I will go live under the bridge. He cannot honestly handle being homeless. Shelter won't even take him in. I know cause I had to find him housing in 2018 after he was released from jail for hitting my mom. Being handicaps does not stop him from attempts to physically hurt me. He can't handle being homeless when he can't handle the cold or the heat. He can't even go without his pain medication. He can't go without a meal for a day. How the F will he go homeless and not die like trashes on the side walk. He is so delusional, thinking who ever they are won't mistreat him or won't fail to meet his expectation. He doesn't admit to the fact that he has a lot of beef and curses his relatives out a lot because his relatives fail to meet his expectation. He expects everyone to go over mountains and oceans for him. He expects them to support him in everything he do, especially the super bad plan he has. Since I refuse to help him go oversea, he has removed me off IHSS so they won't pay me for anything I do for him. I have make life so comfortable for him, he thinks he can go follow my uncles and they will do even "better" and "more" for him than me. I co-signed that place for my father. I have done a lot of things for him including being the middle man between him and the lawyer fighting the accident settlement for my brother's death. I didn't even ask for a cent from doing that for my parents. My father comes to me for help when he has nothing. When he has the $$ he is so arrogant, thinking he can live without family support. I don't want him to do this stupid move away plan of his because if it fails or he eventually use up all the settlement $$, he'll probably come back to my door step and demand I help him.
Still Grieving
Grief & Loss / by Mdreaming101
Last post
 August 15th, 2023
...See more My dear brother deceased 1.16.22 Today 8.15.23. I scrolled through my contact list for another purpose and found myself lost in memories. His name, his phone # - they were still all there in my contact list. The old texts. The old pictures. So much memories. The dam I had built broke. I was overwhelm - this overbearing sensation that I cannot call, I cannot text him. He was there and then he wasn't there. I found myself wanting more to live in the past. The time where we were young, naïve, and lost in our dreams. When mom and dad were still together. When our apartments still had cockroaches. When we four little kids squeezed together in front of the only computer we had, watching animes. Our childhood weren't the best but it were the most innocent and free of life duality. I feel I am reaching a breaking point and I don't know how to hold on. He is just one of my many life's struggles but he is the one thing that hit the strongest and is the hardest to move on from.
Maladaptive Daydreaming - Him
General Support / by Mdreaming101
Last post
 July 7th, 2023
...See more I don't want to leave. In my mind, nothing can hurt me. Nothing. Success is at the tip of my finger. It is an endless loop of me repeating scenes over and over. I can add, remove, and continue to edit these scenes. Everything is in my control. I can be as weak as I want. As strong as I desire. No one can disappoint me. No one can hurt me. If I choose to bring in a character that disappoint and hurt me, there will be a support character or characters to shower me with love and support. I can become everything I want to be. Who I cannot be in reality, I can be in my daydream. N most of all. The man I love or men at that. In different stories, I create a different man to encompass what I currently find desirable but ultimately they are still the same and one character taking on many different forms. I made him love me till death do us part. When I am weak and down, he holds me up. When I am unable to do something, he perfect them. He is my shade, my roof, my blanket. When I couldn't love myself, he loves me. He wants me. Despite all my flaws, he won't ever leave me. In the worlds I created, most of the time I am someone else. If I choose to create a story closer to reality, including real people from my life, I feel slightly uncomfortable and don't often go back to this world. For all the warmth I created in my mind, he isn't real. In my 20s, this is a fact I accept and believe someday I might meet someone who can be "him". Not so much now. When I pull myself out of my daydream, he isn't tangible and all the more empty I feel. I can feel my love for the man I created in my mind but he is not here in the physical reality. There is nothing to show for this "love" that I feel. The illusion of my man feels so good, so right, so comfortable like two puzzle pieces fit together that I don't want wanna leave. I made him so perfect that I fear, I won't ever meet any guy that can match up; that can defeat the illusion that I created. Then there is the part that a real boyfriend can hurt me; can disappoint me and can leave me. But the man in my mind, he won't ever hurt me. His love is undying and forever truthful. What a fool I am. Sometimes I think I'm weird. Growing up, I feel I already have someone occupying the boyfriend position. Despite my feeling, there is no man to show for it. I just keep my feeling to myself and go on with my days. Since my friend circle was so small, I did not have a lot of opportunity to meet guys. The few that shown interest, I rejected them all. Over the years, to fill in the void of why I feel this way, I created this man in my mind. He embodied all that which I feel, even knowing I have no tangible body to ever say otherwise. N so I live in the mind whenever I have free time. Perhaps my feeling is a way of masking my discomfort so I can say it is "okay". My daydreaming became my escape from reality. Now that I quit my full time job, I indulge excessive in my daydreaming and recoil into daydreaming when I am uncomfortable with an idea/action that I have to take the first step. When under excessive stress, I can't daydream; instead I feel more empty as he is not tangible and none of my support characters can be manifested into reality. Under excessive stress, when I crave for physical touch and verbal comfort is when reality hit me the hardest in the face. He is no where to be found. My body under stress is so sensitive that my mind, even if it work overtime, couldn't cover up for what I don't have in reality. Even though I wish so badly, I can tell what is real and what isn't. Even though I know, I find it very hard to let go of my daydreaming; to let go of the man I created. And a stupid voice would sometime tell me, what if he exists somewhere and he shows up when you're in a relationship? Back then I didn't have the answer and want to believe that "he" exist somewhere in my reality, I just have not meet him yet, but now I can say "if he shows up when I have a committed, healthy, loving relationship, he can keep walking, cause he's xx years too late." I can say that, but my heart is fragile. I find it very hard to stay in and find a healthily relationship in reality. I keep wanting to go back, especially when I come back and feel reality is difficult, depressing, and lonely. I am not content with my life, my situation, and myself. Doesn't that sound selfish! I know I can't have everything or most things I want in life - but it's hard. I feel so undeserving of a good, committed man. I feel so unlucky. Like really? How can I be so lucky I'll meet a man who I have so much chemistry with. A person I can fall in love with again and again for the rest of my life; who stay through the thick and thin seasons of life. Could I trust another person to cherish me as I will cherish them? Because if anything, life has shown me I am not lucky with relationship. Can I treat him right? I hate pain. What if he hurts me? Would this really solve my issue? I feel so mess up inside. So shatter, so burden by my thoughts as a person that I do not want another human being to come into my space and feel this yuck I have inside me. My space is so unclean that I feel ashamed to let another person see it. Just how could anyone ever want me, the boring me, and my mess. N so I recoil back into my daydream where he, the handsome man I created who embodied the physical form I desire, has no choice but to love me for all my broken pieces and imperfection. Aren't I just selfish? To want everything. To be prefect. Then when I try to let these go, I am afraid to be hurt; like how my dad hurt my mom. Like how I see my sister cried over her broken relationships. Then my fear and distrust became the reason why I rather not even try for a romantic relationship. I feel I just wasn't enough. How could I ever compare to the beautiful women out there. They are the bright roses, decorating Gods' garden. Me? I am not even granted entrance to Gods' garden. Yet a part me cry over my decision, cry over my bleak future. The internal battle continues.
Undeserving
General Support / by Mdreaming101
Last post
 June 22nd, 2023
...See more I am so broken, so mess up in spirit and physical form; in body and mind. How could I ever be deserving. I want to only show you my strong self. I don't want you to see my pitiful side. I don’t want to hurt you nor for you to be hurt with me. I don’t want to be hurt by you nor see you give up on me. How could I ever be deserving of you.
The goodbye he’ll never read
Grief & Loss / by Mdreaming101
Last post
 June 12th, 2023
...See more It has been a year since my brother passed but finding paperwork and old schedule from his job bought up so much grief. FB then decided that as well today, I am to be reminded of the week he passed by showing me my FB post the week he crossed the veil splitting the dead and the living. ——————— To my silly brother: deceased 1/16/2022 2 am, at the accident site. 8am 1/16/2022. I could barely process what the Chico police officers said. Your passing. One fatal accident. Yuba city. Sutter County. It was like a dirty joke you played and I was the fool believing it. One day. Two days. Three days went by and you didn’t come home. I walked down the memory lane and missed you dearly. You haven’t even eaten the chicken nuggets you asked I buy, specifically the dinosaur shape. This week Tuesday morning, half-awake I saw your silhouette and thought you came home. I jerked awake and did not find you. A part of me still waits eagerly hoping you’ll come home, the man breathing, glowing, and very much alive. Wherever you are, wherever you choose to go, may light and blessing be with you. Sincerely, Your nagging sister
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