When you feel you're at the best moments of your life, but it's really not

DISCLAIMER: BRIEF MENTION OF A POTENTIALLY DELICATE TOPIC AHEAD

Greetings to you, whoever is reading this!

At the time I'm writing this, it's almost dawn, I am unable to sleep, with almost 2 months of work done in 2 days, feeling frustrated, impotent, wanting to cry (but unable to do so because of the time and since I don't like that my relatives see me cry) and yet, with things to do later.

I know I've been through wrong paths time ago and now I know what I want to do with my life, I am currently studying the career that I have vocation for, yet, I realize how inept I am even for what I aspire to be. At this point, one may think that I am neurodivergent, and the fact is that I am, since I was 10, I was diagnosed with ASD/Asperger's syndrome, but I'm not sure either if my mental condition is the root of all of these situations.

As stated earlier, I just finished almost 2 months of work in 2 days, thing that I didn't know about all that time, because if I had known that I had to do that earlier, I wouldn't have been through this situation, yet, not only I noticed that late, but also seems that I was the only one who didn't notice, since the rest of the students in practicum already knew and did their work on time, but for some reason, I didn't know about it for the already mentioned time. Doing this work and finishing left me think that, even at the prime of my life, where I am able to pursue the job of my dreams and feel secure that what I do is right, I still struggle with my stupidity, I'm not very different from the kid who couldn't pass the admission exam for the same school that their older brother was studying in because that kid was disoriented during the admision exam, the same kid who drowned once in swimming class for being the only one in the group who didn't know how to swim... Deep inside, I'm still that kid, just grown up.

Despite all of this, in the last 40 days, I had two of the best days in my life, I got to personally meet some content creators I admire at a geek convention and I went to the Paul McCartney concert in town, yes, both moments were as great as you can imagine, but those days have passed now, and while the memories are still there, tough days have come not just to banish most of that excitement, but also, to let me think if I really deserved that, am I worthy enough to have experienced such joy? Thinking about those moments can't bring me comfort for what is comming, even if I still consider those as some of the best highlights in my life.

Another thing is, I know if I tell my professors and classmates about my insecurities, they would say that there's nothing to worry about because they asume that I'm a good student and good at what I do (because yes, I am studying a career in languages and English is not my native language) but if there's something they don't understand is how "left behind" I am when it comes to understand my place where I am and how often I keep doing mistakes where no one else does, since I'm the kind of person who would get lost walking in a straight line, and how scared I feel for my near future in this moment since I am still confused with what remains and makes me wonder if I will be strong enough to keep on living after all this, knowing the last time I was hospitalized was for... Well, I guess you have a clear idea of the reason, and would sometimes hear the nurses and other staff saying that they hope I never get to feel the same way I did before entering, and at this point, the test to know how well I can handle a world I've always felt I don't really fit in is getting more complicated, telling me that I'm not that special if I still struggle adapting where anyone else fits in...

In the end, I just hope you understand...